Tuesday, January 30, 2007

repeated kick in the junk

dear 25,

as we spend our last day together, i thought it important to reflect on the past year and let you know how i feel about our relationship. if i had to say one thing it would be that it was a nice year. and by nice what i mean to say is that it often felt like repeated kicks in the junk. don't get me wrong, we had some good time together, you and i. we went to the olympics and went luging on table tops with some italians and there was that trip that we took, just the two of us, to amsterdam. i had never had a vacation like that and i am so glad that i did it because it gave me the confidence that i could do it again, anywhere. we also had a great summer together, against all odds, and i moved to a whole new continent with you and managed to settle in really well. you also helped put me in contact with people from all over the world who became fast friends and who i will maintain relationships with for years to come. thanks for that.

but i've decided that we should part ways after today, you going on to harass another unsuspecting young 24 year old and me moving on to bigger and better things. no offence intended, of course. but i really don't see a future for us. just doesn't feel right.

i'll give you this much, you taught me a lot. but did i have to learn it all in one year? couldn't you have been a little easier on me at times? but i suppose because you were such a hard ass i have grown and learned more than i would have without you standing behind me, giving me a swift kick in the behind everytime i slowed down or things seemed to be comfortable.

i loved with all i had this past year. i fought for things to no avail. i said good-bye to people i loved and i still believe that i will see some of them return once i get rid of you. others, i will have to keep alive in my memory and the memory of my family, but at least i was able to say good-bye. i worked the hardest i have ever worked and was proud of the result. i continued to figure out who i am and what it is i expect. from people, from myself, from the world in which i live. i had to make some decisions that hurt or disappointed people this year and i am going to blame you as soon as you are gone.

there were many times where i felt well and truly alive this past year. i suppose i could give you some credit for that. i have looked back to think that i am living the life that i expected of myself and i didn't just land in africa by some twist of luck but by a lot of hard work, persistence, and dedication. i didn't really slow down this past year even though i felt incredibly lonely and isolated on occassion. i still feel like there is an uphill battle in front of me, but i am on my way and your urging and proding helped me move in the right direction. even if i wanted to punch you in the face weekly.

i know it is a clique, but really, it is not you, it is me. i am ready to move on and see what 26 holds for me. somehow i cannot imagine it to be the same type of volatile, love/hate relationship you and i have carried on for the past 364 days. but i will most certainly remember you and talk about you fondly in a few years. and don't try and sort yourself out and treat me like a queen now that we are done, that doesn't work. you can't go backwards and fix things after they were broken. let's just walk away knowing we are better for this past year and look forward and to the future. and if you get a drunk text message from me in a few weeks, please ignore it or just laugh to yourself about how i will never learn to keep my phone in my bag after i've been drinking red wine.

have a good year 25, i hope you are kind to the next girl you are involved with. at least we can both walk away knowing we learned from one another and maybe one day we can be friends. like maybe when i am 50.

yours truly,

ps - that time that i repeatedly screamed at you and gave you the finger on that road trip. sorry about that, i was angry and frustrated. i've deleted the photo, if that makes it any better.


kristen said...

aahh 25...that bitch is hard to take and it seems that just as you get used to her, she leaves. enjoy your last day of 25-ness.

kelsey said...

This is freaking awesome! I read it at work and giggled all the way through i. Lara, thanks for the laughs bring on 26 the year of GOODNESS!

lu said...

yay for the YEAR OF GOODNESS!!

Sara said...

hi sis!!
i love this. not that i am yet aware of what it is you are speaking of, i will know in about 10 months. but it was well put and i hope your next year kicks this years ass... you deserve it.