29+6

i am affectionately referring to this past month as the beginning of the home stretch.  29 has not been my favourite year so far and although i have faith that it is going to clean up its act for these last months, i am still looking forward to saying adios to my 20s and with it, the deceptive 29.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this goal has become almost boring!  i haven't really figured how exactly how not to feel anxious and it normally pops up (as it always has) when i am in new social situations and have to make conversation, but all i can think of is 'say something, say something, try and relate, try and relate, say something, something, anything.'

there were certainly a few of those moments this past month.  one where i solved (?!) the problem by drinking wine and then some more wine.  i think i followed that up with a ceasar and then maybe, a beer.  as you can imagine, this was not exactly the solution i should have been looking for and i ended up that girl without her shoes on, barefoot on the side of a busy road while her date hails a cab.  pretty much, my finest moment of 29...

but i find that getting enough sleep and connecting with people who are also struggling with a sense of identity, purpose, and belonging helps a lot in the anxiety battle department.  and reminding myself that even if nothing seems to make sense right now, there is probably something a-brewing that will materialise shortly.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  still ok.  still not fantastic.  but working on it.  in fact, i bought cards and gifts for upcoming events.  so there.  but still a distance to go to win this one.  sadly, i have been so self-absorbed in my funk i don't think i have given this goal enough of my energies.  lame.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  my plane ticket to cape town is booked and paid for!  sadly, the visits i was looking forward to where friends from my past, international life were going to be stopping into the yyc were dashed and i am still longing for trips to cities in eastern canada and the us, but i must be realistic and acknowledge that they likely won't happen during 29.

but 30 looks like it might have a trip in store for me.  a 30th celebration trip, in fact.  a 30th celebration trip with my best friend.  but the details are yet to be worked out.  just a daydream at this time.

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  errr...  i could sum up a lot of my frustrations over the past few weeks and months by struggling to come to any sort of answer on this one.  so far i have got as far as 'i don't want to be doing what i am doing for too much longer.'  and i guess knowing that is better than not.  but still, is it so hard to know what you want to be when you grow up?!

although it has been a constant thought on my mind, in the past few days i have felt closer to knowing.  nothing yet to divulge to the universe (and it isn't even clear enough in my own head to attempt to put down in coherent sentences yet), but somehow, someway, i am finding clarity around what i want to be doing in a year's time.

these past two years working in the private sector have been wonderful experience and i now see a career path that i didn't even know existed previously.  i don't see exactly how it twists and turns or where it leads, but i was recently asked what advice i would give to someone who would like to be where i am now and my answer?  to allow the path to take you where it will and to always be flexible, accept challenges, and figure out the details later.

perhaps it is time to take my own advice (um, hello?!  are you so blind?!  this seems rather obvious!) so that is how i am approaching the second half of 29.  a little faith, more hard work, and confidence in the journey.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  eesh.  that is all i have.  not an i-can't-pay-my-mortgage eesh, but just an eesh.  maybe an i-could-really-use-a-budget eesh or even an can-i-pay-someone-to-get-handle-on-incoming-and-outgoing-cash eesh, but certainly no where near an i-am-irresponsible-with-money eesh.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  this slow cooker is doing wonders for my nutrition!  i eat at home more often and have meals full of vegetables (and meat, because it turns out that a lot of slow cooker recipes call for meat...).

but i did have chocolate cake and coffee for dinner this evening...  and because i ate a lot of lacklustre, light weight, dehydrated meals on my hike on vancouver island, i have been 'rewarding' myself with my guilty pleasure of cheeseburgers more often than is healthy.

i feel as though with the changing of the seasons and the impending cool down of autumn, i will be in my kitchen and entertaining more often meaning i will be eating well and sharing food with family and friends.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  i have really been enjoying my sleeps lately, which is so important as there is nothing better than being out on a saturday night and just looking forward to coming home, crawling into bed, and doozing off knowing no alarm will be waking you.  and in the morning, when i am not exhausted and can get up and at 'em instead of needing a few extra minutes (about 10 times) because i don't wake up rested on a sunday morning because i have been overtired all week is a triumph.

clean sheets, a hot bath (with epson salts courtesy of my mama), and a good book has been just the ticket.  and much needed as i have overcome some rather trying days at my day job in the past few weeks.

8 - maintain my priorities.  really, this should just be all the previous goals wrapped into one.  if i could stay on top of all the last 7, then this one would come naturally.  unfortunately, that wasn't really the case this past month.  and part of it was because i was absolutely tuckered right out at the end of a work day that i didn't want to do anything afterwards and that included doing fun things or social things or educational things.  so i became sort of boring and lazy.  but i have had some lovely, low-key weekends (both at the cabin and in the city) and i managed to refocus and am rounding out the month on a high.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  come to think of it, i haven't asked for too much this month.  thrown a few more job applications into the mix and sent some good vibes to the universe, but haven't articulated exactly what i want.  but part of that is because i am not exactly sure that i know.  or i haven't had the confidence to state what i want.  but i am getting there and once i do, i might just come knocking on your door with a request.

all i can muster - another dang list

oh, what a day. it is nearly 1am and i am just finally unwinding. it would not be a bad idea for me to schedule in unwinding time regularly...

but hot damn, am i thrilled with the current weather in calgary! i am not typically one to talk a lot about the weather, but +30 degree forecasts for september 23rd? yes, please!

i feel like i have so much to say and i am doing all that i can to start typing a list of (somewhat) interesting points, because it just seems to be happening rather often around this here blog. but in the interest of me getting up and making it to work by at least 10 tomorrow morning, i present you with... a list.

• i was interviewed today by a local television network. and they are going to translate it into mandarin, which is sort of neat.
• i am going to be taking a 2 day course on social impact assessments courtesy of my job, which is fantastic and i am really looking forward to it as it is something that i feel will be most beneficial if i ever decide to return to the world of non-profits or international development
• my nest is getting nestier by the day. and thanks to my step-dad and brother, all my furniture has been brought up the stairs and into my space without any issues. i am also having 2 more pieces of furniture delivered tomorrow (which is my lucky lady deal of free delivery) and then the painting decisions will begin
• still no run in's with my next door neighbour so no opportunity to drop something to see if he picks it up (as i am sure you were all eagerly awaiting that update)
• grey's anatomy starts this week and although this isn't exactly my own update, you will soon stop having to read my musings on whether or not george dies (i am sure he dies) and whether or not izzy is going to live (she will, but her condition and quality of life will be questionable)
• i made my first 2 purchases from etsy.com the other day and am eagerly awaiting their arrival in the mail. i have found some pretty adorable stuff and some pretty awesome blogs from my time spent perusing etsy's delights and will be sharing them shortly
• i found out that stephen lewis is going to be the keynote speaker at an event here in november and i will do anything that i can to get myself in there, even if it means volunteering as the bathroom attendant. and to boot, jian ghomeshi will be the master of cermonies and i am pretty sure he would love me if he met me.
• i just realised that it is only tuesday (and not wednesday like i thought for most of today), which is great because i was really beginning to feel behind on the week there for awhile

and now that i have finished my well-deserved beer this evening, i am going to head to bed. and hopefully not dream about all that has to be done this week (repaint the exterior of a 3 story building, coordinate 80 volunteers, write and distribute meeting notes, kick someone out of a committee that is technically open to anyone, watch grey's anatomy, buy an extension cord so my tv can be plugged in to watch grey's anatomy, put together 2 more chairs, clean and iron and fold and sweep and dust and tidy and organise, etc - or as they say in kenya, ee tee cee, ee tee cee)

autumn is here

and how do i know?

• blustery winds
• my skin is drying out
• my congestion is getting worse
• the morning air is crisp
• there are taber corn signs everywhere
• i need to carry a hoodie or a jacket with me when i go out

two thousand and nine

it is already january 6th and this is my first blog post of 2009. my first resolution? to give this blog a little more tlc.

that is less of a new year's resolution and just a resolution because for me, the new year really begins in the autumn. it just seems the appropriate time to celebrate new beginnings and make changes. the beginning of the calendar year falls in the dead of winter and is really not a time that i think anyone is up to making huge changes in their life. but i guess no one said a new year's resolution needs to be a huge change...

i must say that the new year has been good to me thus far. nothing monumental has happened, but 2009 has been kind and i hope it sticks for the rest of the 358 days of the year. i have pretty high hopes and i do not think the year will disappoint.

can-tastic!

i have spent a few days canning things lately, beets and salsa with my mom and peaches, tomatoes, and more beets with my best kitchen friend. i felt as though i was channeling the knowledge of my foremothers who have been doing this for centuries and it just seems like such an appropriate autumn activity.


but, as with every new skill, you live and you learn. so waiver forms stating that i am not responsible for any botulism that you contract and soggy peaches aside, i think it was a complete success!

thanksgiving marathon

things i am thankful for:

1 - getting to celebrate thanksgiving at home for the first time in 3 years
2 - brussel sprouts
3 - the crops (haha)
4 - being offered this internship i am about to start
5 - watching Akeela and the Bee with my brothers and sister and cuddling on the couch
6 - all the help i received to finish my MA
7 - my health and the health of those around me
8 - another year of things i know
9 - the nurses being nice after i fainted last week
10 - a minority government
11 - international friends
12 - strep throat medicine
13 - visits with old friends
14 - time to hang out at home with the fam
15 - ralph retiring
16 - being able to go to the Bear Country Lodge this week with my sister
17 - a fridge full of food
18 - free time and a leisurely pace
19 - 2 turkey dinners with many families
20 - borrowing cars
21 - fall colours
22 - alberta happening to be plunked on top of oil reserves
23 - the opportunities to follow my goals that take me outside of the country
24 - the benefits of growing up in canada
25 - falling asleep on the couch
26 - the calm before the storm

happy thanksgiving!

if you try sometimes, you get what you need

i am almost there. almost done my dissertation. i re-read parts of it yesterday and started the conclusion and i am pleased with what i have done. but it is now sunday afternoon, i have a touch of the hang over, and i haven't even started working today. let me explain.

yesterday afternoon, a perfectly wonderful autumn saturday afternoon, a friend and i went to the shop to get some tomatoes and milk (the necessities when tomatoes are your favourite vegetable (fruit, whatever) and you love lattes) and that is when i had what i will now refer to as The Sighting. the first time you see an exboyfriend following a break up. now sometimes this happens immediately after the break up and is not so awkward, just tough. but when the last time you saw the person was almost 4 months ago and at that time you were still together, it is incredibly awkward.

so what do i do when he smiles at me? yes, i give the ummmm.......yeah.......sure.......hi smile. it was not a nice one and one i wasn't sure i was even capable of that sends the message of ef off. which is not the message i want to send at all!

and then all those wounds that you have been tending and mending for the past 3 months felt as though they were torn back open. as i was mildly (ok, more like totally) shaken by the entire encounter, i procrastinated my way through the afternoon and then got motivated to work only after i was invited out for drinks by a gentleman suitor. i managed to write half a conclusion and put make up on and do my hair (which once i took out of its permanent bun-like contraption, realised has been neglected and is far Too Long) to which aforementioned suitor remarked, 'you look like a girl.' and i don't even think we can blame this one on language barriers.

a night of drinking and dancing ensued and i had a really great time. no thinking about how foreign aid is disastrous or about The Sighting. red wine, late night pasta, hips don't lie, and lots of laughing. however, now i am doing anything and everything (save for clean and pack) to avoid finishing this conclusion. i kinda don't want it to be done. partly because i have really enjoyed doing it and partly because that means that the next phase of my life has to begin and i have no idea where my next home will be.

i had heard of this "Your Name AND needs" google thing before but did it today and the results were too good not to share. i never thought having the same name as a video game super heroine and a cricketer would be so entertaining on a lazy sunday afternoon.

Lara Needs...

• a hair cut (how did they know?)
• to make the running water around a small barn stop
• to use stealth just as much as she does combat maneuvers and jumps (my favourite)
• new breasts (i kid you not, that actually came up, however, i disagree!)
• a Sussex lift (maybe related to the previous need??)
• him to be happy
• to move boxes from one side of a giant balance to the other (with an impending move, this one seems pertinent)
• 212 runs
• to be praised for her tenacity and courage
• a magnetic grapple
• to interact with her environment to solve a puzzle (another fav)
• the help of some of her friends to accomplish this goal (i don't know what goal, but i couldn't agree more)
• 6MB of hard disk space
• to be stronger
• no lessons on tact or diplomacy from anyone (i could seriously use lessons on tact)
• to go to Chen Lo in China (sounds good to me!)

a dress named pheobe

i love september, it has always represented the beginning. the beginning of school, of the 4 seasons, of new jobs, of new clothes, of new pencils, of new colours, of new friends, of new experiences. a few years ago my best ladies and i decided that the labour day long weekend would signify the new year. since things seem to change like the leaves and the school year in september and not january, like the calendar would have you believe.

each year we have made resolutions for the 'real' new year. once it was to Do More Things and another year it was to Where Ever You Are, Be There. this past year, i think mine was to Make A Home and this coming year? i haven't quite decided yet. but since we celebrate the new year with the labour day classic football game (go stamps!), i still have a few days to come up with this year's resolution but i will let you know and at the same time, give it to the universe to help me take care of.

in the meantime, i will celebrate the autumnal new year with my newest purchase that put me over my month's clothing budget (and it is the 1st of the month!!) and i wouldn't normally share such a silly thing on the www, but i love it and i am going to wear it to my cousin's wedding in a few weeks and i even bought some new golden gems to wear with it. i don't think i've ever seen a piece of clothing that represents the new year quite so well!

happy new year to one and all.

no such thing as new beginnings

resolutions are a funny thing. first of all i don't make them at this time of year. i really don't feel that january 1 is the beginning of anything. a few years ago my dearest janny and i decided that the new year ACTUALLY begins in the fall and that is when resolutions should be made. and resolutions should not have anything to do with trapping a man, losing weight, being more kind or anything like that. they should be broad and general and more of a theme song that you want to play throughout the next year of your life.

a few years ago we resolved to 'do more things,' we took advantage of the opportunities (many free) to do new and fun things in our city and outside of it. then last year we resolved to 'take care of ourselves' and that too was a success. nutrition, running, and welness took over our vocabularies this past summer.

i don't think we should make resolutions for things we want to change about ourselves, but about things we want to improve about ourselves. if you don't like what you are starting with, what makes you think you'll like where you'll end up either?