a reminder

The good fight is the one that's fought in the name of our dreams. When we're young and our dreams first explode inside us with all of their force, we are very courageous, but we haven't yet learned how to fight. With great effort, we learn how to fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat. So we turn against ourselves and do battle within. We become our own worst enemy. We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realize, or the result of our not having known enough about life. We kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight. 


Paulo Coelho from The Pilgrimage

i list

shamelessly stolen from k.

I Am – blessed.  which is really not a word i used very often, but i was thinking the other day that i really am blessed.

I Want – to understand how to help others without being condescending or patronising.

I Have – rather big feet for my stature.

I Wish – i could do more.

I Hate – very few things.  and try not to use the word 'hate' in my daily life after i once said i 'hated' a song and my friend called me on it and said that was a lot of negative energy to put in the world.  i agreed.

I Fear – loosing control, having surgery, blood tests, and birds when they flap their wings when they are taking off.

I Hear – the din of my cubicle farm.

I Search – for comfortable socks and underwear.  and myself on google.

I Wonder – where i will be in 2 years', 5 years', and 10 years' time.

I Regret – nothing.  there is a lot i wish never happened, but i don't regret it.  if that makes sense.

I Love – my family.  they are the funniest people i know.

I Ache – when i eat chocolate or ice cream.

I Always – use q tips to clean my ears.

I Usually – do not get enough sleep.

I Am Not – sure what i want to be when i grow up.

I Dance – like a white girl.

I Sing – at home when i am alone and wonder if anyone can hear me.

I Never – wear mismatched socks.

I Rarely – just have one glass of red wine.

I Cry – when i am really happy.

I Am Not Always – punctual, even though i wish i was.

I Lose – my cool when i feel as though i am being manipulated or forced to do something against my will.

I’m Confused – about climate change.  and carbon capture.  and if we are really doomed no matter what we do or don't do.

I Need – to have my hair coloured.

I Should – eat more regular and balanced meals.

I Dream – in bollywood, sometimes.

I Hope – that my trip to toronto is lots of excitement and fun.

I Feel – a bit useless today.

I Appreciate – my family more now than ever before.

just go away already!

i had the worst, neverending dream last night. i even woke up at one point and went back to sleep and the damn bad dreams continued.

it all came down to having to relive the experience of having someone choose to go and fight in a war thousands of miles away rather than proceed with the plans of life that we had made. but this time, i was there and then had to go and live alone in germany, where i just did not want to be.

it just makes me wonder when this whole ugly experience will stop rearing its ugly head and just let me get on with my life. blech. one, big, gross blech that took me hours to overcome today. just put a damper on my day and i had a hard time shaking it.

i dream in bollywood

last night i had a feature length (or what felt like feature length) bollywood production in my dream. it all started when a boy and girl had a love match and knew their parents would object. in my subconscious version of traditional indian culture boys get the tips of their third finger chopped off, so this is what happened. it was quite awful at first, but then it healed rather quickly, cutting down on the gruesome factor (and keeping the ratings under 14a).

but then, as a symbol of her solidarity in love with the boy, the girl chopped off her entire hand (which may or may not have grown back in the magic of dreamland, i cannot recall exactly) and then a full cast dance ensued, complete with indian hand movements and colourful saris!

i kid you not.

other elements of my bollywood dream included me and my family at a beach that was raided by members of the boy's family, a mass hysteria and panic of the guests who were at the beach as the boy's mafia-like family took their revenge, and my grandma being stuck under sand during the entire scene. while at this beach, i wanted so badly to get a tan in the hot sun, but couldn't get out of my parka and uggs (which came in handy when the sand turned to snow and the masacred body parts died the snow red - i think i was thinking of the cinematic effect when my brain made the change from beach to tundra when blood was spilled).

there was another dance scene and then the credits rolled (but in my dream, there were no credits, just an alarm clock).

i couldn't even make that up if i tried! i wish other people could see what happens in my dreams so they would understand why i sometimes wake up tired or so that i could share the absurdity with others.

hopeful dreams

in my dreams last night:

• i had a visit from an ex boyfriend who was on a roadtrip and it seemed as though we were in kenya. or some other semi-tropical locale. we were bustling around trying to find fresh flowers in an old buick. or what i think was a buick.
• i went to a private concert to celebrate obama's inauguration and i danced with him. i wonder how many other people in the world dreamed of uncle barry last night?

on the train this morning:

• a lady fell down the stairs, launching her t ho's in the process, and was more than mortified. i really felt for her, i hope she knows that.
• there was a big black dude sitting across from me in an obama t shirt and he was just happy. i wonder if he suspected that i am also feeling very hopeful today.