what a weekend

with weekends like the past two i have had in calgary, i could be convinced never to leave the city.

my weekend started a little early with a shopping trip that ended with new sweaters, a dress i can wear to a stampede festivity this july, tights that remind me eerily of my figure skating days, new fashionable belts, a few little things for my future niece, and a feather for my hair.

i got to try out the new kol3 in kensington for vietnamese crepes and iced coffees with a good friend i met through my current job.  and we followed it up with a cold beer at molly malone's to continue our conversation about all things relationships, career directions, house shopping, women's rights, office gossip...  not sure that we solved the world's problems, but we certainly had a great time catching up.

saturday morning was chillier than i had hoped, with spring shyly poking its head around the corner this past week, so after running back into my house to add a layer, i headed out for a lovely morning run.  even though there was some pesky ice on the pathways, i had a great run paired with non-stop chatting with a dear friend facing some pretty daunting challenges at the moment.  more listening than talking on my part, but that was just fine.

i headed out to my neighbourhood pub on saturday evening with a new chum from work to see a local band play.  the band was pretty medium, but the company and laughs were pretty awesome.  getting a taxi home at the end of the night when the snow started falling, not so awesome.

and today, a day of phone calls and catching up with friends far away and family nearby was followed by some comfort cooking.  after stirring and stirring and adding and adding liquid, i created a most delicious risotto paired with homemade pesto that i whipped up in my food processor (without cutting my finger this time).  i needed some time in the kitchen to relax and forget momentarily about the state of the world, which was weighing heavily on my shoulders after following the stories of cote d'ivoire, japan, libya, yemen, bahrain, and haiti on twitter and the news this past week.  sometimes having a constant stream of information can work against your sanity and sense of contentment and if there is a silver lining in this cloud it is that i am getting better at recognising when that is happening to me so i can take a step back.  and that is what i did tonight with fantastic results and a lot of leftovers!

the need for distance and perspective is at the heart of my intentions in giving up impatience for lent.  it has been a good practice thus far and i have not only recognised when i begin to get antsy or worrisome about my future, but have reminded myself not to allow that anxiety to creep in and that if i really want to worry, i can do it in a few short weeks.  reshaping my thinking around my future and how i can get so anxious about it has also helped me appreciate what i do have.  the grass might be greener for me elsewhere, but it is pretty damn green where i am right now as well.  and having a weekend full of pretty wonderful friends is part of that.

just needed a reminder 95 days in

1 - get enough sleep. i had let this one slip, proving that it will be a lifetime's challenge to continually get enough sleep. but last night, i took a nytol and went to bed at 10 (after watching american idol, but of course) and woke up feeling rather refreshed and perky this morning. what a difference a good night's sleep makes.

2 - buy a home. we have progress! well, a phone call with one mortgage broker, a meeting over coffee with another, and the necessary documents collected. not to mention a few perusals on the mls website. but i would gladly subcontract the entire mortgage broker/realtor/nest selection process to someone, i really do not enjoy it.

3 - reduce my level of anxiety. still going strong on winning this battle. not that i do not get anxious any longer, but that i am better able to recognise anxiety and do something to prevent or alleviate its symptoms. like running.

4 - take better photos. i don't think i have make one lick of progress on this goal as yet. but i am hoping my upcoming trip to san francisco will remedy this. bring on the photogenic city!

5 - become financially confident. i am feeling pretty confident about this, which i suppose is the entire objective of this goal. not that i think this feeling will last all year, but i am feel as though i am in a position to travel, to buy a new nest, and call my own shots. pretty sweet deal, if you ask me.

6 - be happy where i am. this one comes and goes as my mood changes and my mind daydreams. however, i have really come to terms with where i am and how i got here, even if it wasn't the way i would have ever planned. i like where i am, i like what lies ahead, and that seems like a way to obtain happiness.

7 - visit friends who live in other places. i am crapping out on this one. i had hopes of visiting with more people. but at least i had two out of town visitors recently. and i am going to thailand with a friend, who i think will be a good travelling chum. and that is something, right?

8 - make the best dating decisions for me. (the goal formally known as sort out my relationship). i am learning how to date again, with all its excitements, disappointments, and challenges and i don't suppose this is going to stop anytime soon so for the remainder of my 28th year, i would like to improve my dating decisions and ensure that they are the best ones for me. i think that i have done this so far, but will just need to keep this in mind moving forward.

twenty eight and one month

1 - get enough sleep. this has been all systems go and it was sheer luxury to be able to sleep when and for how long i pleased in the dominican republic. sleep in until 10am? absolutely! have a nap on the beach? why ever not. go to bed at 6 and sleep for 15 hours? done.

2 - buy a home. no progress whatsoever and with impending lay offs left, right, and centre, i am a bit nervous about this. but, i still have 11 months left of 28 to figure this one out.

3 - reduce my level of anxiety. i am kicking anxiety's arse and taking names. all things considered, i am owning the anxiety and making it my own. and by that i mean, things are going really well in this department.

4 - take better photos. i lugged my fancy camera all the way to the caribbean and even bought a new camera lens to replace the one mysteriously lost at a wedding shower, but i took all of one photo with it and instead carried my little digital around with me, which turned out to be much better at snapping the snaps of dance parties, sunglasses named blanche, and me sitting in an enormous piece of pottery.

5 - become financially confident. this is going to be a work in progress...

6 - be happy where i am. this may be a challenge in the coming months. partly because i just read a book set in sudan and my old stomping grounds of kenya (including mentioning my former office) and it got thoughts in my head. nothing too crazy, no plans at the mo, but being settled and happily settled may be difficult.

7 - visit friends who live in other places. still no plans that fit this goal precisely, but the trip to the dominican republic was wonderful and fabulous and all that i could have hoped for, but nothing that i could have expected.

8 - sort out my relationship. done, sorted, over. and if a certain someone shows their face in these parts, he can expect to be strung up with a piano wire by his balls.

eight for twenty eight

i stole this concept from heather who stole it from her big sis. i thought it was a great idea so i made a few tiny changes to the format and here you have my 8 goals for my 28th year.

1 - get enough sleep. on a recent visit to my new (and awesome) doctor, i learned a lot about the importance of sleep. she really drove the point home when she said that there is a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. i have been doing well lately, but i need to keep it up for the next year.

2 - buy a home. i think this is a reality for me this year and that is a nice feeling. i am not sure where or what or when, but in the year of 28, i want this to happen.

3 - reduce my level of anxiety. this is something that i have already started working on in 27, but i believe it will be a life long challenge and i plan to make some serious headway in 28. i never realised that it is not normal to live with underlying anxiety every day, but sometimes things need to get really bad before you have such a-ha moments.

4 - take better photos. i want to improve the good photos i take to become awesome photos, especially now that i have a swank new camera. whether i just take a lot of photos and learn through trial and error or whether i take a course, one way or the other, i want to learn what works, what doesn't work, and have something to show for it in the end.

5 - become financially confident. not necessarily make more money, but learn more about what to do with money once you make it. how to invest. how to save. how to spend.

6 - be happy where i am. by 'where' i mean not only physically but where i am with my relationships, my career, and myself. i do not expect that this is something that is achievable in 28, but i do think that it will be a priority this year. sometimes i just need to remind myself what i want and not what i think i should want.

7 - visit friends who live in other places. i have a few ideas in mind of people and places that i would like to visit in the coming year. top of my list are washington dc, chicago, vancouver island, but this all depends on schedules, timing, and money. so i will leave it general for now and see what develops.

8 - sort out my relationship. nuff said. not sure why i didn't list this as #1. and it may just take a full 12 months.

the panic button

(february 20, 2008)

i just returned from dinner with someone who has become an old friend. and funny how we have only known each other 1 year but he is able to give me perspective that few other people around this town have been able to lately. that just feels good. especially during a time when i am counting down to a few different things and in some ways, waiting for life to happen, but in others, making the most of it while i can. it is quite a intellectual pickle to be in and can cause some very drastic changes in mood and outlook. and is quite exhausting.

but i feel as though i am coming to the end of my time in nairobi. i am hesitant to say that the decision is final and has been made definitely, but at the end of my current contract there will be little keeping me here and even less motivation for me to pursue another. and it would appear as though there are new and exciting things awaiting me elsewhere.

these changes are not without the usual high levels of stress that i generally carry around with me every day. my current worries tend to focus on whether or not i am ready to leave this career and this lifestyle that is boring me and exhausting me at the moment but parts of which i adore. i don’t want to appear as though i am giving up or even walking away, although that is precisely what i am doing and i genuinely believe that it is my best decision.

i am already concerned about what i will do next, whether or not i will enjoy it, how long it will be before i come back to africa, whether or not i will ever be able to work again in relief/development, what will i do if i regret my decision... if i think about such things logically and without the panic mode switched to On, i am fine and am confident i will continue to be fine. but sometimes, typically 3 times/hour, i ask myself all of these questions and need to talk myself down from the highrise ledge that is my worry. like i said, exhausting.