Wednesday, February 20, 2008

the panic button

(february 20, 2008)

i just returned from dinner with someone who has become an old friend. and funny how we have only known each other 1 year but he is able to give me perspective that few other people around this town have been able to lately. that just feels good. especially during a time when i am counting down to a few different things and in some ways, waiting for life to happen, but in others, making the most of it while i can. it is quite a intellectual pickle to be in and can cause some very drastic changes in mood and outlook. and is quite exhausting.

but i feel as though i am coming to the end of my time in nairobi. i am hesitant to say that the decision is final and has been made definitely, but at the end of my current contract there will be little keeping me here and even less motivation for me to pursue another. and it would appear as though there are new and exciting things awaiting me elsewhere.

these changes are not without the usual high levels of stress that i generally carry around with me every day. my current worries tend to focus on whether or not i am ready to leave this career and this lifestyle that is boring me and exhausting me at the moment but parts of which i adore. i don’t want to appear as though i am giving up or even walking away, although that is precisely what i am doing and i genuinely believe that it is my best decision.

i am already concerned about what i will do next, whether or not i will enjoy it, how long it will be before i come back to africa, whether or not i will ever be able to work again in relief/development, what will i do if i regret my decision... if i think about such things logically and without the panic mode switched to On, i am fine and am confident i will continue to be fine. but sometimes, typically 3 times/hour, i ask myself all of these questions and need to talk myself down from the highrise ledge that is my worry. like i said, exhausting.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

i don't think you should think about it as giving up, but growing up! xoxo

Riena said...

I think you need to make a list of all the things you won't miss. Everything, time and place has it advantages and disadvantage. I had a similiar feelings when I left the Netherlands after living there over a year. And sometimes I still yearn for the things I loved there, but remind myself this is home.

lu said...

oh god, that list of things i would not miss would be really long!!

for starters, the lack of constant running water in my flat these days, the lack of sidewalks anywhere in this city, having to take taxis everywhere...

kels said...

change is a good thing...who knows what will happen! you headed home then? or somewhere else altogether?