great article by Fukuyama

if you are interested in politics, foreign aid, and african development, you might find this article interesting. it is written by Francis Fukuyama, an academic that i read during my masters degree, and it compares the philosophies of Wangari Maathai and Dambisa Moyo, two female african leaders in the discussion on foreign aid and its utility and effectiveness.

as you can see below, i just finished Maathai's autobiography and have ordered Moyo's book called Dead Aid from amazon so this was quite a timely piece for me. maybe you might just feel the same.

thanksgiving marathon

things i am thankful for:

1 - getting to celebrate thanksgiving at home for the first time in 3 years
2 - brussel sprouts
3 - the crops (haha)
4 - being offered this internship i am about to start
5 - watching Akeela and the Bee with my brothers and sister and cuddling on the couch
6 - all the help i received to finish my MA
7 - my health and the health of those around me
8 - another year of things i know
9 - the nurses being nice after i fainted last week
10 - a minority government
11 - international friends
12 - strep throat medicine
13 - visits with old friends
14 - time to hang out at home with the fam
15 - ralph retiring
16 - being able to go to the Bear Country Lodge this week with my sister
17 - a fridge full of food
18 - free time and a leisurely pace
19 - 2 turkey dinners with many families
20 - borrowing cars
21 - fall colours
22 - alberta happening to be plunked on top of oil reserves
23 - the opportunities to follow my goals that take me outside of the country
24 - the benefits of growing up in canada
25 - falling asleep on the couch
26 - the calm before the storm

happy thanksgiving!

if you try sometimes, you get what you need

i am almost there. almost done my dissertation. i re-read parts of it yesterday and started the conclusion and i am pleased with what i have done. but it is now sunday afternoon, i have a touch of the hang over, and i haven't even started working today. let me explain.

yesterday afternoon, a perfectly wonderful autumn saturday afternoon, a friend and i went to the shop to get some tomatoes and milk (the necessities when tomatoes are your favourite vegetable (fruit, whatever) and you love lattes) and that is when i had what i will now refer to as The Sighting. the first time you see an exboyfriend following a break up. now sometimes this happens immediately after the break up and is not so awkward, just tough. but when the last time you saw the person was almost 4 months ago and at that time you were still together, it is incredibly awkward.

so what do i do when he smiles at me? yes, i give the ummmm.......yeah.......sure.......hi smile. it was not a nice one and one i wasn't sure i was even capable of that sends the message of ef off. which is not the message i want to send at all!

and then all those wounds that you have been tending and mending for the past 3 months felt as though they were torn back open. as i was mildly (ok, more like totally) shaken by the entire encounter, i procrastinated my way through the afternoon and then got motivated to work only after i was invited out for drinks by a gentleman suitor. i managed to write half a conclusion and put make up on and do my hair (which once i took out of its permanent bun-like contraption, realised has been neglected and is far Too Long) to which aforementioned suitor remarked, 'you look like a girl.' and i don't even think we can blame this one on language barriers.

a night of drinking and dancing ensued and i had a really great time. no thinking about how foreign aid is disastrous or about The Sighting. red wine, late night pasta, hips don't lie, and lots of laughing. however, now i am doing anything and everything (save for clean and pack) to avoid finishing this conclusion. i kinda don't want it to be done. partly because i have really enjoyed doing it and partly because that means that the next phase of my life has to begin and i have no idea where my next home will be.

i had heard of this "Your Name AND needs" google thing before but did it today and the results were too good not to share. i never thought having the same name as a video game super heroine and a cricketer would be so entertaining on a lazy sunday afternoon.

Lara Needs...

• a hair cut (how did they know?)
• to make the running water around a small barn stop
• to use stealth just as much as she does combat maneuvers and jumps (my favourite)
• new breasts (i kid you not, that actually came up, however, i disagree!)
• a Sussex lift (maybe related to the previous need??)
• him to be happy
• to move boxes from one side of a giant balance to the other (with an impending move, this one seems pertinent)
• 212 runs
• to be praised for her tenacity and courage
• a magnetic grapple
• to interact with her environment to solve a puzzle (another fav)
• the help of some of her friends to accomplish this goal (i don't know what goal, but i couldn't agree more)
• 6MB of hard disk space
• to be stronger
• no lessons on tact or diplomacy from anyone (i could seriously use lessons on tact)
• to go to Chen Lo in China (sounds good to me!)

eh keef!

i have been busy, but ultra boring as i do the same thing everyday and all i want to talk about is foreign aid, intervention, human rights law, humanitarian crises, global governance, african sovereignty, NGOs, donor governments, the world bank, the imf, and millennium development goals.

but...i am going to glasglow this weekend to see the rolling stones.

and since i thought it was tuesday all day today, i only have one more day to get excited, but somehow i think i will manage!

an abundance of tumeric

anyone need any bran, raisins, or a cupboard full of spices? i seem to have a lot of these things and cannot make enough muffins to get rid of most of it in the next 4 weeks.

it is coming to that time again, where i have to pick my life up and relocate it somewhere. less than a month left in my little room and since i am so focused on getting my thesis done, i am not even thinking about how i will go about moving my life again. maybe i am subconsciously avoiding it.

i am sick of moving around and yet i think if i were in the same place for too long i would get antsy and bored. then again, i am craving stability and a steady schedule. it seems as though i cannot know where exactly i will be living for a little while yet and where i was entirely certain i was ready to settle myself somewhere, that might not be the case anymore. but while i sit around and wait in the meantime, what do i do with a cupboard full of spices?!

better left to chance?

i have not had a free minute to reply to any of the emails piling up in my inbox or to post anything on my blog. not sure exactly what i have been doing, well besides attending an english garden party, visiting chatsworth house and the peak district (stunning place, go there and pretend you are a member of the british aristocracy), running, playing football, and writing nearly 13 000 words of my dissertation... but i digress.

the idea that things happen for a reason has always been one i have struggled with and have not entirely believed, but today it seems that things over the past few months have happened for reasons that i am beginning to understand.

in march sometime i got in a tussle with a lecturer about his cancellation of my presentation and his refusal to respond to any emails and i ended up meeting with the head of the programme who said that although she couldn't do anything to rectify the situation at that time, she could assure me that he would not be assigned as my supervisor for my dissertation. as i was annoyed with the programme and the whole arena of academia, i quickly wrote a dissertation proposal that was to deal with canada-us relations in light of the 'global war on terror' and trade disputes.

in this proposal i briefly mentioned the word 'trade' although i am not too keen on studying trade relations and i was assigned to a supervisor who specialises in international political economy, which i think was a bit of a tactic of appeasement since i had to deal with that other jackass and because of that little word 'trade.'

i met with my supervisor and then had to go home unexpectedly, where i decided to change the entire topic of my dissertation back to what i was originally interested in, but which my supervisor was not an 'expert.' i read and i read and then i came back here and started working, spinning around the library like a tornado. i have since seen him a few times, the most recent time being today.

over coffee this morning he told me i should do a phd, he'd like me to do it here, and he would provide a reference for me (and as he has recently taken over as head of the department, this is sort of a big deal). now i suppose i have always thought that it was a faint possibility that i could do a phd, but i never really thought that other people would actually suggest i do it. and just like that, he told me not only does he think i can do it, but that i should do it and that the field of politics needs more female academics like me.

who knows if i actually will devote 3 years of my life to figuring out how to make foreign aid more effective (definitely not this year as i have other things in mind), but none of this would have happened had aforementioned jackass not spontaneously cancelled a presentation, sent me rude emails, and raised his voice enough to make me politely excuse myself to the hallway to cry!

fate? chance? luck? meant-to-be? i am just not sure.

...and a half

yesterday was my half year birthday, so i can officially say i am 25 and a half years old. i hope the second half of 25 is better than the first. it wasn't awful but it was definitely one of the harder half years i have had. 24 was so great, so easy, so fun, things seemed to be settling and then 25 came along and just threw everything up into the air and the pieces are still landing.

it has been a relatively good year, living in the uk, travelling in europe, learning lots on my ma course, but it has been an extremely hard few months as well. and i am not sure exactly why. there are some pretty obvious reasons, but i am beginning to think that the reasons it is really hard are yet to be realised and someday it will all make sense.

but anyways, happy half year birthday to me!

book worm

it is past midnight on a saturday night and i am up reading and writing about african sovereignty... and actually enjoying it!

i was feeling so stuck with my dissertation and just wanted to get it over with and move on to the next phase of life while i was at home. i was even dreading coming back to university to spend my days working, and i have really been embracing the process. i am actually wondering if i will miss it when all is said and done and i don't get to pack my lunch, load up my backpack with books, trek over to the library, have coffee breaks with friends, and set up my work station with books, pens, pencils, staplers, highlighters, sticky notes, notebooks, and white out.

(i have just accepted the fact that i take up a lot of space where ever i go, i am a spreader)

then i wonder if people are ever capable of appreciating what they have until it is nearly over or gone. although i'd like to think it is possible, i am just not sure. maybe some things are meant to live in our memories exactly as we'd like to remember them.

all this thinking is hard work and sometimes my brain hurts and sometimes steam feels like it is about to come out of my ears, but i am making progress and am at 4200 words. not even a quarter of the way there yet, but i figure it is not too bad considering the circumstances under which i started this whole process.

and remember when i said i'd never do a phd...? well, never say never, i suppose.

to love is to risk not being loved in return

i returned to lancaster today (in the midst of an british heat wave - hot and sticky and train tracks falling apart due to the heat) and i was forced to face some of the things i have been pondering and stewing over for the past few months. saying good bye to people and cultivating friendships all overshadowed with an overarching sense of sadness, confusion, and excitement about the future. then my sister sent me this quote and it seemed to sum everything up rather succintly

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental

To reach out to another is to risk involvement,

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self

To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss

To love is to risk not being loved in return,

To hope is to risk despair,

To try is to risk to failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow,

But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

The pessimist complains about the wind;

The optimist expects it to change;

And the realist adjusts the sails.

William Arthur Ward, "To Risk"

i have decided to take a risk and post some goals i have for the rest of the summer here in lancaster.

i want to run 16km per week.
i want to foster relationships in these last few months and take advantage of opportunities to continue knowing the people that surround me.
i want to work for at least 5 hours per weekday on my dissertation.

struggling to organise

i am back and cannot seem to organise my thoughts, so here is another list of sorts...

i spent an hour watching crayfish last weekend in fernie. being with a lake in the mountains reminded me that i cannot be anything but canadian.

but i am applying for my british citizenship so that working is easier in the uk. they still ask for your christian name on the application form, i wonder what mohammed feels like when he has to fill that out.

i went to my sister's graduation this week and although i wished it were me completing my degree, it was awesome to see her walk across the stage. the speech by mannix left a lot to be desired, nothing like a little neoliberal rhetoric to compliment a management school graduation.

i was at the university to do some studying this past week and i had kobe beef. since when did they clean the place up? and i must say that it did not taste as good as it has in the past, i wonder if the clean-up took away some of the could-be beef flavour.

thank you to the man in the suit who i used as a hand rail as i slipped in the pub last night, if i weren't so embarassed by my rather ungraceful partial-split position i would have said more than 'oh my god!' and zipped right into the bathroom.

i thought i was horrible at sudoku, but i am now obsessed. it makes for a great avoidance of reading about globalisation, trade liberalisation, and foreign direct investment. i spent my entire academic career avoiding economics and now i am stuck in the middle of it.

i am sad i am missing the world cup fever in england, but i have bet $20 with my brother that the oilers will win the stanley cup...it looks like i might be out some money.

remind me again why rich people are apathetic

almost 3000 people died in the september 11th terrorist attacks.
10 000 africans die every single day of AIDS, TB, and malaria.

the us spent as much in iraq for 2 weeks of fighting (about $2.5 billion) as it does for an entire year of economic development assistance in africa

the first two years of the war in iraq cost $60 billion / year, which is the same amount of money needed for the us to reach the globally agreed-upon amount of 0.7% of gnp for foreign aid. but instead it is sitting somewhere around 0.15%.

i got these humbling facts from The End of Poverty by Jeffrey Sachs, which i am reading for my dissertation.

no one can say that the rich world cannot afford to provide more to the people dying in africa. and yet we don't. and that makes me mad.

neither here nor there

packing up to go home is a strange feeling. i had a dissertation workshop with the people in my programme yesterday and i found it really helpful. it made me realise that my vacation from deep thought and massive amounts of reading is indeed over and i will have a lot of work to do both at home and whenever i come back to lancaster.

i am still totally unsure about my topic for my research, but i have a good supervisor so hopefully i acquire inspiration through osmosis from him. i am between the head space of 'get this thing over with so i can get on with my real life' and 'where ever you are, be there.' but i must say that i am always one to think to the future and can easily do that when things get tough or boring.

i saw a movie the other day called TransAmerica and i would suggest that people go see it if you are feeling like you need your gender stereotypes challenged and miss the days that we spent at university in women's studies or sociology classes! and felicity huffman is amazing.

handover to the universe

sometimes things come when you need them most.

i am going home next friday for an indefinite period of time. although it was unplanned and unexpected, i can't think of anywhere else i should be right now and i am looking forward to it. i should consider myself lucky that i can just leave lancaster so quickly and without a lot of commitments to contend with, although i'll need to work almost entirely independently on my dissertation.

i am giving this one to the universe though and trusting that i am going where i most need to be. i don't think i've thrown things out to the universe enough lately, but i believe that when you do, the things that need to happen do happen and you will be better for it.

things on my mind

i had a rather difficult time finding an academic reference for an internship i am applying for and after emailing 5 professors i had only 2 responses and one of them said that she was not comfortable writing a letter as she hadn't yet seen my written work but would fill out a form if they were simple questions.

why do some people not want others to succeed? why do these grouchy people seem to be concentrated in academia? isn't it part of their job to write reference letters? didn't someone have to write them letters so that they got to their position?

well, a professor i had, who has since moved to another university, apologised for not responding to my email earlier, offered to write the letter on thursday, mail it to ottawa so it would be there for the deadline, and assured me it would be positive. at least there is a silver lining to this one, but seriously, i think it part of their job and a little effort would be appreciated.

after thinking i had procrastinated my way out of a trip to amsterdam, i managed to find places to stay that are costing me more than i had anticipated, but i suppose it is my own fault because i left it so late. i am happy that i had a few friendly personal responses though, and that the places i am staying seem nice on the internet. i decided against the stablemaster and their lounge parties after i looked up what a JO party was. call me naive.

i washed and dried my new sheets today to try and reduce the amount of white fluff floating around my room (perhaps this is the cause of my recent sneezing and congestion and not just the flowering plants) and i was so amazed by the amount of dryer lint that was on the screen that i actually went back to look at it in the garbage can twice. it really was that fascinating.

i finished my papers! 17000 words typed, printed, and handed in. to celebrate i ate some fuzzy peaches, started a fun reading book, and listened to the first period of the hockey game last night.

my french class has been cancelled due to low enrollment and i'd like to know what a western canadian girl needs to do to learn this language!!

rolling, brewing, steeping, baking, cleaning, eating, typing.....oh and thinking

i finished one of my three papers today and it felt great! i also sent off another job application so i feel like i am rather on a roll. and i would like to take advantage of this situation of wanting to work and not procrastinate, but i think i am all tuckered out from the exertion of the first paper (ha! if you consider baking cookies, cleaning my bathroom, making and then consuming copious amounts of tea and coffee, eating loads of toast and cereal for snacks, talking on msn for hours, making iTunes playlists, and getting a pedicure hard work!) my eyes are slowly closing and it is only 1am, much earlier than my recent 4am bedtime.

but i am trying to work hard (well, apart from the time i waste doing god knows what in this tiny room) because my parents come for a visit in 3 days!

i (heart) lists

some things i have been thinking or wondering lately, in list form...

• i love lists
• lloyd axworth is a cool canadian, i wish i had of known how cool he was when he was an mp
• i have always wondered why canada and other countries aren't doing anything in darfur in the sudan and after reading axworthy's book and some other articles i am really wondering why the hell the world isn't doing anything
• lent is going well, i have had chocolate chips in home baked muffins, but i decided that was ok, only 7 more days to go
• why is it so difficult for people to call the inuit 'inuit'? why do people insist on using the word eskimo immediately after it was just explained to them why inuit is more appropriate?
• why do people feed you chicken the very day after you've said you don't eat it? oh well, it was in chicken-finger form which is more handleable and less chicken-like
• this surprise afghanistan visit by harper is too bush-like for me
• i am still struggling with this make poverty history thing - did it just take attention away from the real protesters and the real alternatives to the g8 or did it actually bring awareness to the masses of the relics of colonialism and the effects of the policies of the international monetary institutions that plague the african continent? i am doubtful that there were many people who attended those concerts that have done anything since to combat world poverty, as if the problem was solved with a white wrist band and bob geldof
• i own a white wrist band, but am hesitant to wear it
• does it seem to anyone else that itunes always has a new version to download?
• i have been reading a lot about canadian identity and it has got me thinking that although i love politics and international relations, my favourite courses in my undergrad were those in women's studies, sociology, anthropology, and the liberal arts and if i ever go back to school after this, i think i will study one of those. not for a job, not for any type of world-saving or improving, but just cause i like it
• i keep dreaming that i have eaten chocolate and am disappointed in myself for not lasting the entire lent period, but i am determined to even though my mom sent me mini eggs in the mail!
• instead of deciding on essay topics, i am preoccupied with thoughts of what i will do come september, i am anxious and nervous and incredibly excited even though i am still so up in the air about what it is i want to do first. i have lots of things i want to do, just not sure the order of them all
• i am having a 'breakfast-off' with some friends to settle whether or not canadians make better breakfasts than the british and i think team canada will take it, any suggestions on what to serve at a 'traditional' canadian breakfast? i do think we do breakfast better than any other country i have visited. something about sitting around, drinking cup after cup of coffee and eating something sweet, salty, and spicy all in the same meal. normally not my style, but for breakfast i make an exception
• i've been thinking a lot about my grandpa, he is a cool canadian too, i think anyone who met him would find it hard to disagree with that

a home

i have spent a weekend away, eating. whenever you stay at someone's house they always insist on feeding you! and i am feeling really quite unhealthy at the moment, so that doesn't help. and then i couldn't get myself out of bed this morning to go for a run so i am going to try and fit it in later today or tomorrow. i gotta get a schedule!

leeds for the weekend was fantastic. i had my first starbucks chai latte in the uk and it only cost me about $6, what a deal. it is so nice to wander around shops, stop and have a coffee at a coffeeshop, and spend the evening on a couch watching a movie. sounds a bit strange, unless you've ever lived without a cozy spot to curl up or in university residence. and a home-cooked roast beef dinner is pretty great too.

yesterday we walked around a Very Old abbey in the yorkshire dales, and it was nice to be outside even with all the mud and near-falls down slippery hills. there was snow on the ground that crunched when you walked and i could hear all the newly born lambs baa-ing in the farmer's fields and it was a perfect way to spend a sunday.

i feel refreshed and ready to finish this semestre. speaking of which... i have three more papers awaiting my attention. should really get to those this week. but i have to do some more baking for my weekend visit with my auntie. at least i can say this whole grad school experience was multi-dimensional even if i don't always get as much reading done as i'd like.

snowflakes - no two are alike

it snowed today. and it has managed to stay on the ground for at least an hour now, which is creating quite the atmosphere around campus. there are snowmen being built, snowball fights along the walkways, and my lecturer even stopped the class today to throw a snowball at a student. what was funnier was when the student threw it back and we saw the quick reflexes of our lecturer. a classmate was deciding if she should leave because it was staying on the ground and she didn't want to drive home in it. and this is how snowy it is now, an hour later...

it reminds me of last year when we went toboganning with the south african and mozambicans we were living with in lacombe, what a great memory of feeling just like a kid again. this past week has been a hard one for me and i really wouldn't mind feeling like a kid again.

i accidently misheard 'lancaster' as 'lung cancer' yesterday and it is becoming to feel a bit like that - suffocating. so i am happy that i am leaving for a weekend, this evening i am off to leeds which will hopefully be rejuvenating and relaxing. i suppose any contained area gets stuffy every now and again.

but i should count myself lucky because yesterday i was able to go to the lake district and have breakfast and a rather frigid boat trip around the lake. quite a beautiful area. but the 'vegetarian breakfast' didn't have anything on anything nellie's could whip up with a nice refillable coffee.

so what are the thoughts on harper having to stand up to klein publicly? i hope that he prevents privatised health care, the thought just scares me. but that might be a trade off for cooperation with bush on this missile defense thing, which i am also not particularly crazy about. not sure which would be worse just yet. but i am following it on my morning viewings of the national, which i watch just to get my peter mansbridge fix.

i am all about compromise these days. we've been talking a lot about it in my conflict resolution courses and i have to say that compromise is something i am trying to get better at it but sometimes it is still quite difficult. i have to pretend to be a tamil tiger for an upcoming lecture where we will have to negotiate in a role play situation (oh my, even the words 'role play' give me shivers) and today we sat and listened to a sri lankan in our course tell us more about the finer details of a rather complicated conflict, but i am learning how evasive the concept of compromise can be so i am trying to my best to realise it in my own life.

well the sun has returned and soon there will be no snow left for a spontaneous snow angel, but it was nice while it lasted.

inspiration and rejuvenation

i managed to make espresso with my new italian coffee maker and now i just need those tiny little espresso cups to drink it out of! i always thought they were the cutest but until this time have not had any use for them. one small trip to italy and my whole world has changed...

so what is it that you are supposed to do when you go to italy? besides spin on your heel on the balls of the bull inlaid in the floor of an arcade in milan, you might ask. (because yes i did that, apparently it is for good luck and there must be a lot of lucky people walking around because that poor bull's testicles were nearly non-existent from many years of heel spinning).

if buying italian leather boots and a hand bag is what comes to mind then i have succeeded at having a truly italian experience. these boots are simply divine. cowboyish but rather pointy and probably far too fashionable for a simple canadian girl such as myself. but they sure are fun.

the kindness and hospitality of the people i met in my short time in italy and at the olympics was fantastic. my friend with whom i travelled speaks italian and lived in the country for a few years and i felt privileged to get to know her friends and to stay with people in every city we visited. going out for dinner is a wonderful experience in italy and i was glad to be doing it with people who could translate the menus and make great conversation. we laughed a lot, especially when we met a group of italians at a pizza restaurant and one of them taught me how to do 'skeleton' on the table top while sharing a bottle of wine and playing practical jokes on an unsuspecting japanese couple.

and now i know that i love anchovies! delicious fishy goodness.

the olympics were understated and not overwhelming and although some people might complain about the lack of atmosphere, i quite enjoyed it. i felt that the olympics had not entirely taken over the city. and if it weren't for all the roots paraphernalia, team canada jerseys, and maple leaves you might just think there was an international conference in town. but by far i saw more canadians than any other nationality and even met a bunch of cowboys from calgary as well the men's curling team and catriona le may doan.

it was nice to come back to lancaster rested and rejuvenated and ready to take on the rest of the semestre. amazing what time away can show you. i am feeling quite inspired to continue with research and have let go of some of my frustrations. i also was reminded to make the most of my short time here because i will truly never have this opportunity again. getting up in the morning, going for a run, tidying my room, meeting a friend for coffee, spending the afternoon in the library, and coming home to sit and chat in the kitchen with friends really is unique to this particular situation.

tonight i have found loads of muffin, cookie, and bread recipes to make in the coming weeks and i am beginning to realise more and more why my mom bakes. such a relaxing and rewarding experience. perhaps because the best part is sharing the finished products with other people!

i had an invitation by my friend who is older than any of my parents to have picnics this summer and i got all excited thinking about what i could bring and if i could find a basket (and it is not until the summer!) and she said she was happy to find another 'foodie.' now if you knew my history in the kitchen previous to arriving in lancaster this would be a huge shock. but i think i really can hold my own and am excited to keep trying.

grinding my beans and counting my freckles

i think working at a library might actually be sort of nice. apart from the reshelving, the job seems like something that i wouldn't mind doing. the librarians at my university apparently do not feel the same way because they all (except for that one pleasant one who helped me find a book once) are rather miserable and really not nice to interact with. makes my frustration with school in general that much more irritating.

i have spent my friday evening at a coffee shop studying, reading the newspaper, and baking banana bread. very nice way to spend a friday night in february if you ask me. the weather here is great though, i went for a wonderful run this morning and could have actually used a pair of sunglasses!

so far the first day of my lent has gone well. not an ounce of chocolate has passed my lips. only 39 more days to go.