home sweet home in monrovia

remember that deal i made with kelsey?  well, i am really crapping out on it, aren't it?

and it is not that i have any wonderful excuses as i am not working a regular job, have more free time than i've had in years, and have had literally thousands of thoughts about life in liberia that i have wanted to share.

view from my bedroom window

i arrived about a month ago and was warmly welcomed into my new home that overlooks the atlantic ocean.  it is a furnished house, meaning it comes with the basics and all the necessary furniture, but little else.  not much on the walls or in the cupboards, but after a few shorts weeks, it does feel like home.

and you can't beat opening your balcony doors in your bedroom to hear the sound of the waves crashing.

waves crashing so hard that i actually cannot swim in the ocean near my house, but yoga in my makeshift hot yoga studio (aka my balcony) is wonderful with the background noises of the sea.

we have a housekeeper who is slowly becoming my closest friend in liberia and i know this isn't exactly how this relationship should go, but it is nice to have company during the days and she is happy to answer all my questions about life in monrovia.  for instance: how do i break a $100 dollar bill? (go to the forex and ask for 'pieces'), where do i find towels in the shops? (the big shop in town has them, it's called Abijala), how do i replace our empty cooking gas canister (give $45 to the groundskeeper and 5LD (liberian dollars) for a motorcar and he'll get it for you).

our street

she was also a wealth of information during the violence that broke out during an opposition party protest a few days before the run off election was held, which was peaceful in the end even if boycotted by the opposition that was crying foul (and also knew they would lose).

before i left calgary, i was worried that i would be bored and wouldn't have anything to fill my days.  i seem to have been wrong and manage to have a growing To Do list on the go as well as very few moments where i am not sure what to do with myself.

i do have work that needs to be completed from a contract i still have from home and i have been enjoying jumping back into the world of research with it.  but otherwise i have been reading books, working out, playing far too much angry birds than is healthy, stocking the fridge and cupboards, reading the internet and sending emails, and utilising the incredibly affordable long distance calling to call friends and family in canada (seriously, i have put $70 on my phone and have made at least 5 calls lasting longer than an hour each and still have $50 left in my account - if liberia can figure out affordable long distance overseas, why oh why can't canada?!).

and, as promised, i will be spending more time writing (hopefully in a coherent manner) about my impressions of my newest home to post here.

how i spend some afternoons

29 + 12 = 30!

i made it!  survived 2010, a sometimes trying year, and my 29th year.  i warmly welcomed my 3rd decade with a wonderful birthday with deliveries of flowers and cupcakes, hilarious ecards, wonderful presents, and well wishes from across canada and the united states, ireland, georgia, kenya, south africa, the philippines, australia, the uk, italy, thailand, mexico, bermuda, africa's newest country of south sudan, japan, france, and afghanistan!


and here is how my 9 for 29 goals shaped up (or, in a few cases, shipped out!):


1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this last month of 29 has left me feeling content and calm, not normally my modus operandi, and at peace with my future.  part of that has come from knowing i get to go to new york next week for more un speak and potential career connections.  i certainly have had some down days, but overall, i feel as though i am entering my 30s in a much more solid place in terms of anxiety and stronger than recent years in my 20s.  exciting and reassuring.  but as i have said all year, this battle might be won, but there will be a constant war against anxiety in my world.


2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. i can't really remember the motivation behind setting this goal, but i feel as though i managed ok.  i am not sure that i improved much on previous years, but i maintained my thoughtfulness and tried to observe special events and occasions of those around me.
interestingly, i find this much more difficult now that there are so many ways to communicate with your friends, family, and acquaintances and more places to store information.  i used to have 1 daytimer and a phone that received calls.  now i carry a blackberry, an iphone, AND a daytimer and i need to streamline this whole system so that i know when people's birthdays are without having to rely on facebook to tell me.


3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  this year, i got to visit a friend in vietnam, my dad on vancouver island twice, and many friends and near-family in south africa.  i had intended on doing more travelling within north america, but the cost and timing didn't work out during 29.  i STILL have washington dc and chicago on my travel list and am hoping to get to at least one of those in the coming year.  i will get to see some old friends from my nairobi days while i am in new york next week and that should be lovely.  


4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  remember what i said last month?  yes, that 2011 will be the Year of Direction!  i hadn't done a lot of work to get to the bottom of this goal in the last year.  i did a lot of thinking and a lot of worrying and even a little daydreaming over the past year, but not a lot of the work that i think will be necessary to help me to get to where i want to be.  or figure out where i want to be.  that might be a better place to start.


5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  the nest egg is there.  but it is more like a robin's egg when i wish it was an ostrich egg.  i think that as long as i stay in calgary, this will be moved higher on my list of priorities.  as life planning goes, this is one of those elements that needs to be there so that i can do whatever it is that i want to do (once i figure that bit out...).


i am not bad with money per se, i am just still unsure of how much money i should be spending on my house, on entertainment, on food, on travelling, on savings, on investments...
but i have a new(ish) friend who is a financial planner and i might hit him up for some advice or business once i am back from new york.


6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. i don't know what has happened to me over the past few weeks, but i have been a human garbage can, eating cheeseburgers, chips, pizza, chocolate, and ever other bad thing within my reach.  i am not normally a compulsive eater, but i can't seem to stop once i get started (typically in the evenings) and nothing satisfied me.


i hadn't been cooking, but i am back on that train and have brought out the slow cooker and my newest addition to my kitchen, a kichenaid food processor (that did nick my finger during its installation on my counter resulting in a lot of blood).


throughout the year, i fluctuated between eating really regular and healthy meals to forgetting to eat until 4pm or munching on crap late into the night.  this will likely always be the case, but man does it feel gross if my eating habits are not in order (like now).    


7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  there were some weeks there in the fall that i could have slept for hours and hours and right through the morning, but lately i have been getting by on less sleep and that is probably a good thing.  mostly because i have actually been getting out of bed when my alarm goes off and waking up relatively rested and ready for the day.


part of what makes it easier not to sleep and sleep and sleep is not being on any anti-anxiety medication, which makes me rather sleepy (although i do still miss the technicolour dreams) and being busy, which means that i don't have the option of hitting snooze (well, more than twice) and have to get my arse out of my bed.
one thing that i do notice is that if i haven't started the week with sufficient sleep, i play catch up all week and never feel as though i am well rested until friday night where i am useless and just want to put pyjamas on and sit beside the fireplace.


8 - maintain my priorities.  perhaps one of the challenges of this goal was that i never officially stated my priorities, but i do think i made sure that when i was becoming overwhelmed with one job or the other, that i took a step back and did something for myself.  one area that i feel as though i should've made a stronger effort to prioritise was physical fitness and running.  after my half marathon training ended last spring, i ran a little bit here and a little bit there, but without any specific goals or program.  i like the fact that after a few weeks without running, i can hammer out a 10km run without much difficulty, but i know i need to replace running (or something physical) back in my list of priorities moving forward.


9 - keep asking for what i want.  i did a really good job of this during 29.  when i wanted something, i asked for it.  most often, i got what i asked for, and the times that i didn't didn't turn out so bad either.  i am heading to new york next week because i asked for something and i have already asked a few people there to meet with me to explore opportunities and chat about life in new york.


i started my 30th year with a job offer in my inbox (but sadly, i do not speak the francaise, which i really should get back on one of these days...) an even though that wasn't a suitable post for me, i do feel as though that once i figure out what i want, i will certainly be asking for it!


***


i am not sure if i will draft goals for my 30th year.  if i do, i want them to be more specific so that i can use them to stay on track rather than recap what i have been up to and see if it fits.  i think goals are important, but i do thin that to make them effective and useful, i really should spend quality time unpacking what it is that i want and how that would translate into goals for the coming year.


work in progress, i tell ya!

today at work

here are some of the things that happened today at work (x2) that make me love my jobs:

• my boss and i figured out the percentage of time that humans have been capable of rational thought and then came up with a tonne of examples on how we screwed ourselves over by evolving (never underestimate having a boss that has also studied evolutionary psychology)
• my boss also saw me at work, dressed in skinny jeans rolled up with chuck taylors and asked where my skateboard was.  then my colleague (and friend) had to educate him in current fashion and the term 'hipster.'
• i found out that i can access twitter at work!  this is great as i think that i am addicted.  i used to think it was simply a way for people to tell the world they just took a whiz (and for some, it likely is), but i already feel incredibly connected and have been referred to a number of great resources and links.
• i was approached by another volunteer, bringing my total up to 98 volunteers.  (this is not necessarily one of the reasons that i love my job, in fact it makes it exponentially more difficult and less rewarding the more volunteers i collect, but demonstrates i am doing something right, i suppose).
• two of my favourite volunteers invited me out for dinner and drinks tomorrow.  and although that might appear like a slight conflict of interest, i am confident it is not.  i trust it will be a great.
• i am getting a whack of american dollars at the current wicked exchange rate for my upcoming trip to... new york city!!!  (yes, i got the spot on the training!  and i suppose that the cash is not a result of my job, but a good friend's job so i am throwing it in here).

29+12

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  considering the craziness the holidays can bring, i felt relatively calm.  i think my anxiety had to take a back seat to my head cold right before christmas as i laid low and tried to get well before the holiday season took over.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. i hope that everyone liked my gifts for christmas, i feel pretty good about that what i chose to give (apart from the gift card overload for one brother because no one ever knows what to get him).  having spent the past weekend at a wedding, i feel that those around me knew how important they are, it really was lovely.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  as much as i want to visit friends and family who live in different places, i now have a spare room and a sofa bed to welcome guests!  

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  i have deemed 2011 the year of the life plan.  a year where i hope i find my next path that will provide me with direction towards a goal.  i am still debating about a potential career opportunity and mainly because i am still struggling to answer the question where do i want to be? and what do i want to do?

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  not planning international travel makes it a little easier on the budget.  christmas was pricey in some regards, but i am starting 2011 with a small nest egg and some organisation around my finances, although there is certainly a long way to go and a lot for me to learn.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. i have not been cooking too often as there have been so many meals to be eaten with friends and family recently, but they have been pretty stellar and i have eaten well, if not made the healthiest choices...  in my post-new years day wedding hangover, i ate wendy's today and as i was dipping a chip in ketchup, i realised that i also had chips with a burger yesterday afternoon for lunch!  whoops.    

7 - sleep an appropriate amount. while battling my pre-hoilday illness, i slept a lot.  i think it helped.  and it was quite lovely not to wake up to an alarm to be in the office during my recent staycation.  i am not one to make new year's resolutions or to believe the new year really begins in january (i still contend that the year turns over and new beginnings happen in the fall), i think that getting my life in order is at the top of my list.  less going out, better sleeping patterns, and making sure that early mornings are not a rarity but a regular occurrence.

8 - maintain my priorities.  i have enjoyed a slower december and like i just said in #7, i am going to get my life better organised in hopes that it will bring clarity of what 2011 will be about.  and more importantly, what i want it to be about.  i guess i have not so much maintained my priorities, but set myself up to nail down some priorities.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  i applied to go to new york in february with unicef for training and the first email that i got on new years day was confirmation that i have been selected to participate!  i suppose that is a pretty good way to kick off the new year.  but what is most important is that i need to do better at figuring out what i want to ask for.  that is what 2011 will be about.  or so i hope!

29+11

i am late again on the monthly goal update.  and i am almost through my 29th year!  yay.  and eek.  and wow.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  eesh.  constant battle.  uphill and then some downhill.  and then there was november.  it was tough.  but it is over!  anxiety can be a temperamental bitch.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. with the upcoming holiday season, i am trying to keep on top of this and have confidence that i will.  i also have some bits and bobs to send off to friends in south africa so i had better get those in the post asap.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  my next trip will hopefully be a visit with dear friends in the states, although the details are yet to be finalised.  and i will have a parental house guest over christmas so there will certainly be plenty of visiting!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  remember the anxiety surrounding november?  well, much of it was related to this.  i have gathered quite the momentum over the past few years, culminating in recognition as one of the top leaders in my city under 40, but that recognition has made me wonder 'now what?'  and worry about how i can improve and grow.  this should be a time where i am able to focus on opportunity, but sometimes having too many choices can be equally overwhelming as not having enough.  i am not complaining, just working through the kinks.  in doing so, i really hope a pathway emerges towards a goal...

then again, i feel like i have been saying that months on end!

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  doing well!  i also overcame a slight panic about my corporate taxes and how much i owed the government by talking with my accountant this past month.  i am in good shape and set for the upcoming fiscal year.  even if i have spent the better part of my afternoon at work looking up cheap beach vacation packages!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. two months running for a fat goose egg!  i have been cooking more regularly at home and whipping up some delicious meals.  after spending a hung over sunday afternoon watching anthony bourdaine's cooking show where he taught his viewership how to make a delightful beef bourguinon, i decided to try my own hand at the classic french dish.  at 10pm.  on a tuesday. 

everything was going well until i was frying the pearl onions in butter and oil on my stove (it was 11:15pm by this point) and my smoke alarm went off!  which means it does not just go off in my own building, but in the three buildings in my townhouse complex!!  meaning that everyone had to either put up with the high pitched screeching that the alarm makes or wait out in the -10 degree cold while we waited for the firefighters to come and reset the alarm!!!

except for me, who hid in my house and thought it best that i clean up my entire kitchen, put my cook book away, take off my apron, and make a feeble attempt to hide all evidence that it was me who was cooking at 11pm!

but, perhaps arrogantly, i did not turn the bourguinon off as to not interrupt its delicious cooking process in the oven.  and it truly was a delight when it was done cooking.  and after the smoke alarm went off.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount. during periods of intense anxiety, one of my coping mechanisms (healthy or not) is to sleep.  and then sleep some more.  i know it helps my mind turn off for awhile, but it certainly gets in the way of actual real, wakeful life when you sleep for 12 hours in a day.  as my mood has improved, so has my sleeping schedule and i have intentionally scheduled a lot more down time during the month of december to make sure i am not overworked or overburdened with too many social or professional commitments.

8 - maintain my priorities.  as i just mentioned, i have made a mindful decision not to book myself up too much this month and it has resulted in a happier, more balanced me.  i am still not totally sure what my priorities would be if i listed them or what order they would appear, but simply having ME at the top has been good for my spirit.  i think this is something i will need to spend more time on in the new year and it will likely have a positive impact on goals 1 and 4 as well.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  i recently asked to go to a training on working with the aboriginal community in canada that was approved (and paid for!) at work (but since postponed until the new year).  i suspected raising my hand at work will be necessary and beneficial for me in the coming months, but i am going to make sure i am asking for the work that i want to do and am interested in.
 
i have also asked for a reorganisation in my non-profit work.  the outcome of this restructuring could mean that i can take a step back by hiring someone who will work under me and take care of administrative tasks to free my time for higher level discussions, relationship building, and capacity building.  and that will all be good.
 
i also made a christmas list!  and it includes sparkling water because that stuff is heavy, yo!  and i struggle to carry it home from the grocery store.  it is so delicious and one of my guilty pleasures (along with cooking beef bourguinon late at night!)

29+8

i just realised that i hadn't updated my goals for october, so here they are!

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  i had a little anxiety around social engagements last week, especially to go to events where i was the focus of the attention, but i feel on top of things this week and rather optimistic about the future, which is great.  and wards off the anxiety.  but i do miss those wild dreams on anti-anxiety meds!

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  texts, cards, calls.  just need to work on the gifts, especially as it is coming up to christmas season and i want to make sure that i am not scrambling to pick stuff up for the people on my list.  i am hoping to think of some good ideas.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  i don't have any plans for trips to see anyone after my whirlwind trip of visiting in south africa.  but i do have a lot of fun events coming up with friends and family.  birthday dinners, birthday drinks, ladies christmas pot-luck, baking day, wine tasting with the girls, bridal showers and stagettes, family christmas traditions to look forward to, and the icing on the cake will be a close friend's wedding in banff.  i think it will be a pretty fantastic holiday season and i am going to get things started early (which i figure is completely acceptable because starbucks has released the red cups, marking the official beginning of the holiday season!  well, sort of).

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  this is connected to #1.  i feel good about what is to come.  it has been wonderful to get credit for a job well done in my current positions and for my managers and high ups to congratulate me on my accomplishments.  my company advertised in the same magazine that i was featured in and in the ad they said that i was compassionate, committed, and deserving of the accolade.  my past 9 months have been taken over with thoughts of 'what next?' and 'where to?' and not feeling as though i am doing what i should be.  i am still not sure what the answers to those questions are, but i am content with where i am professionally and that is the best i have felt about #4 all year.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  i'm laying off the international travel for awhile.  that should help in the savings department.  and so will looking forward to the next tax season, eesh.  working so much is keeping my expenses down as i rarely have time to go out and buy frivolous things.  oh, except for my betsey dress.  but that was a deal!  and for an event!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  this one gets a big, old fail.  i have only been for groceries since returning from south africa a few weeks ago (and once for a single celery stalk that cost $0.31) and have little to make a meal out of in my house.  so instead, i grab something on my way home from work.  this week i have had a vietnamese sub, souvlaki, won ton soup, left over pizza, and a frozen pizza i scrounged out of my freezer.  and this evening my snack was a can of mushrooms, which i know disgust some people, but they are one of my secret guilty food pleasures!

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  this waxes and wanes.  some mornings i wake up feeling peppy and ready for the day and others, i feel like i could just scrunch down further under my duvet and turn my alarm off.  i spent most of sunday catching up on sleep/feeling rather hung over, but the larger problem is working 12 hours in a day and not having enough time at the end of it to unwind.  i have found that a few glasses of wine help!

8 - maintain my priorities.  although i am not exactly sure what my priorities are, i feel as though they are in check.  or at the least, they are not out of balance at the moment.  leaving calgary and canada behind always helps me to do this and being in south africa certainly did.  maybe the first step to really achieving this is to establish my priorities...

9 - keep asking for what i want.  well, soon i will be asking for the removal of support of an organisation that i don't agree with at work and that sort of counts.  i have been given a number wonderful things lately and i feel like right now, i don't need to ask for a thing.  instead, i feel like i have a lot to give.

i'll have more of the same

finally, it seems that 2010 has cleaned up its act and has decided to stop being such a jerk.

as mondays go, this one was pretty stellar.  and why?

• not waking up to an alarm
• still smiling from the high of getting together with my new book club full of wonderful, dynamic women
• a new outfit of a skirt on the sale at the gap and a shirt that fits perfectly from my sister paired with a bold necklace with a giant flower and my favourite italian boots purchased in ireland
• checking off and throwing away my To Do list at work
• an hour long presentation to the most notorious of the law enforcement agencies in canada (you just try breaking into our borders!) met with positive feedback
• won ton soup
• proofing the text for an ad that i will appear in
• setting up a meeting with someone who wants to learn more about my 'consulting services'
• an invitation for a south african wine drinking and luggage packing date
• a raise.  a totally unsolicited raise!  a potentially retroactive raise!!
• a meeting with my volunteers who continue to inspire me, challenge me, and humour me
• purchase of a wall hanging off etsy to bring a little feng shui into my nest
• a new episode of weeds
• a glass of dry red wine

long may it last.

29+7

i am a bit early this month, but i suspect i will have a rather busy 8 days before i leave for south africa with my mama, so i am updating my monthly goals before i head off.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this has been easy this month and i am not quite sure why.  i have been rather busy and continue to feel stretched, but i am not worrying.  i am not panicking.  i am ok.  it's a nice change.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  my little bro and i are going to see kooza, the cirque du soleil show in calgary at the moment, tomorrow to celebrate his 18th birthday (my little brother is an adult!).  and my first christmas gift (for giving, of course) arrived in the mail.  we celebrated my mom's birthday at our cabin at the beginning of the month and we were not scrambling to figure out who was going to get what, it was pleasant and a lot of fun.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  seeing as flying to south africa and touring around the winelands and whale trail after a week in cape town is rather pricey, i think this might be it for this year!  but i have managed to get quite a bit of visiting with my dad in and that was a nice change this year.  still no trips to eastern canada or the states, but i am still committed to making those trips happen one day.  for now, i am satisfied with the time i will spend with friends in south africa and i might even get a chance to see the woman i lived with in bredasdorp, south africa over 5 years ago!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  hmpf.  still no closer.  my one grand hope for my time in south africa is that i will take advantage of the distance from my regular life to get some clarity on what my next steps are.  i keep waiting for the universe to show me the best path, but i'd be lying if i didn't admit that i am getting a little impatient.  faith in the journey, faith in the journey...

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  i've been careful with my pennies lately.  this won't be enough to lay a nest egg, but it will allow me to enjoy my time in the southern hemisphere and know i will be coming back to get right back into my job(s), not only because i will have to catch up on 3 weeks away, but also so i can earn some money!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  i certainly am not mastering this, but i did spend this past saturday canning pickled beets and salsa, yum.  i also made those meatballs last night that were a complete success and me and my slow cooker continue to get to know one another better.  i recently renewed my first aid certification, where i was reminded that we can all do something to improve our heart health and i can certainly eat less red meat (when did that happen?!) and make better food choices.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  success!  apart from this past weekend when i had 2 late nights, i have been doing well and feeling rested in the mornings and even making it into my office at a reasonable hour every now and again.  i am not appreciating the darker mornings as the seasons change and might feel differently about getting out of my cozy sheets in the morning as soon as it cools down and the mornings stay dark until after i arrive at work, but for now, i'll keep motoring along and when i get behind, take an in-the-bed, pants-off nap!

8 - maintain my priorities.  this has certainly been a struggle lately, with competing demands of 2 jobs, a volunteer commitment, and juggling social engagements and fitness.  i have found some sort of balance lately and i am not convinced it is permanent, but my decision to get a housekeeper and to say no to invitations from friends and family have helped for the time being.  again, when i return from south africa i am going to have to have a bit of an overhaul on the priority front and i am not sure just yet how the chips will fall.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  i can't really think of anything i have asked for lately.  oh wait, i have asked for some help and guidance on projects for work, which has been endlessly helpful and was instrumental in creating better balance this past month.  i walked away from work and put my worries away more than usual this past month and in a sense, that is a form of asking for what i want.  even if it is a conversation i have to have with myself.

i am still working on the first piece of this goal - figuring out what i want in order to know how and who to ask for it.  i have confidence this is coming down the pipeline.  as my mentor at work says, 'as soon as you feel you have no idea what to do next or where to turn, you can be sure that the universe is setting you up for something and you won't know it until you look back.'

i am feeling as though my goal updates are not that interesting or positive these past few months and in many ways, they match my ho-hum attitude.  i am going to work on keeping these a little closer to my thoughts throughout the next month and have something super fantastic to say in a few short weeks!

29+6

i am affectionately referring to this past month as the beginning of the home stretch.  29 has not been my favourite year so far and although i have faith that it is going to clean up its act for these last months, i am still looking forward to saying adios to my 20s and with it, the deceptive 29.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this goal has become almost boring!  i haven't really figured how exactly how not to feel anxious and it normally pops up (as it always has) when i am in new social situations and have to make conversation, but all i can think of is 'say something, say something, try and relate, try and relate, say something, something, anything.'

there were certainly a few of those moments this past month.  one where i solved (?!) the problem by drinking wine and then some more wine.  i think i followed that up with a ceasar and then maybe, a beer.  as you can imagine, this was not exactly the solution i should have been looking for and i ended up that girl without her shoes on, barefoot on the side of a busy road while her date hails a cab.  pretty much, my finest moment of 29...

but i find that getting enough sleep and connecting with people who are also struggling with a sense of identity, purpose, and belonging helps a lot in the anxiety battle department.  and reminding myself that even if nothing seems to make sense right now, there is probably something a-brewing that will materialise shortly.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  still ok.  still not fantastic.  but working on it.  in fact, i bought cards and gifts for upcoming events.  so there.  but still a distance to go to win this one.  sadly, i have been so self-absorbed in my funk i don't think i have given this goal enough of my energies.  lame.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  my plane ticket to cape town is booked and paid for!  sadly, the visits i was looking forward to where friends from my past, international life were going to be stopping into the yyc were dashed and i am still longing for trips to cities in eastern canada and the us, but i must be realistic and acknowledge that they likely won't happen during 29.

but 30 looks like it might have a trip in store for me.  a 30th celebration trip, in fact.  a 30th celebration trip with my best friend.  but the details are yet to be worked out.  just a daydream at this time.

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  errr...  i could sum up a lot of my frustrations over the past few weeks and months by struggling to come to any sort of answer on this one.  so far i have got as far as 'i don't want to be doing what i am doing for too much longer.'  and i guess knowing that is better than not.  but still, is it so hard to know what you want to be when you grow up?!

although it has been a constant thought on my mind, in the past few days i have felt closer to knowing.  nothing yet to divulge to the universe (and it isn't even clear enough in my own head to attempt to put down in coherent sentences yet), but somehow, someway, i am finding clarity around what i want to be doing in a year's time.

these past two years working in the private sector have been wonderful experience and i now see a career path that i didn't even know existed previously.  i don't see exactly how it twists and turns or where it leads, but i was recently asked what advice i would give to someone who would like to be where i am now and my answer?  to allow the path to take you where it will and to always be flexible, accept challenges, and figure out the details later.

perhaps it is time to take my own advice (um, hello?!  are you so blind?!  this seems rather obvious!) so that is how i am approaching the second half of 29.  a little faith, more hard work, and confidence in the journey.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  eesh.  that is all i have.  not an i-can't-pay-my-mortgage eesh, but just an eesh.  maybe an i-could-really-use-a-budget eesh or even an can-i-pay-someone-to-get-handle-on-incoming-and-outgoing-cash eesh, but certainly no where near an i-am-irresponsible-with-money eesh.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  this slow cooker is doing wonders for my nutrition!  i eat at home more often and have meals full of vegetables (and meat, because it turns out that a lot of slow cooker recipes call for meat...).

but i did have chocolate cake and coffee for dinner this evening...  and because i ate a lot of lacklustre, light weight, dehydrated meals on my hike on vancouver island, i have been 'rewarding' myself with my guilty pleasure of cheeseburgers more often than is healthy.

i feel as though with the changing of the seasons and the impending cool down of autumn, i will be in my kitchen and entertaining more often meaning i will be eating well and sharing food with family and friends.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  i have really been enjoying my sleeps lately, which is so important as there is nothing better than being out on a saturday night and just looking forward to coming home, crawling into bed, and doozing off knowing no alarm will be waking you.  and in the morning, when i am not exhausted and can get up and at 'em instead of needing a few extra minutes (about 10 times) because i don't wake up rested on a sunday morning because i have been overtired all week is a triumph.

clean sheets, a hot bath (with epson salts courtesy of my mama), and a good book has been just the ticket.  and much needed as i have overcome some rather trying days at my day job in the past few weeks.

8 - maintain my priorities.  really, this should just be all the previous goals wrapped into one.  if i could stay on top of all the last 7, then this one would come naturally.  unfortunately, that wasn't really the case this past month.  and part of it was because i was absolutely tuckered right out at the end of a work day that i didn't want to do anything afterwards and that included doing fun things or social things or educational things.  so i became sort of boring and lazy.  but i have had some lovely, low-key weekends (both at the cabin and in the city) and i managed to refocus and am rounding out the month on a high.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  come to think of it, i haven't asked for too much this month.  thrown a few more job applications into the mix and sent some good vibes to the universe, but haven't articulated exactly what i want.  but part of that is because i am not exactly sure that i know.  or i haven't had the confidence to state what i want.  but i am getting there and once i do, i might just come knocking on your door with a request.

dirty little secret

here's a dirty little secret - i didn't donate anything to the relief efforts in haiti after the devastating earthquake this past january.  yes, i wanted someone to hire me to go there, but i didn't donate.  call it karma, but i sort of felt as though costs associated with the response would be covered because of the incredible news, pop culture, and celebrity coverage the disaster got.  this is likely not the best way to judge whether or not humanitarian efforts need any additional financial support, but there it is and that is how i made my decision.

in keeping with that same thinking, ever since i heard of the floods in pakistan a few weeks ago, i have thought that it is so interesting that a natural disaster that has displaced an estimated 3 million people has warranted little more than a mention on the nightly national news and have found myself wondering if this is at all correlated with how much money has been donated by private citizens like me.

and it wasn't long before this line of thinking was covered by a popular aid blog, aid watch, and after reading it and thinking 'what the hell am i waiting for?,' i just donated to islamic relief.

i picked islamic relief because (and how is this for good donorship...) i knew a girl who used to work there before i met her when she worked for another international relief ngo.  she didn't even have fantastic things to say about her working experience there, but nonetheless that is how i picked one of the agencies i know are on the ground in pakistan.

this will be rather interesting to watch play out because perhaps donors are fatigued, perhaps richies like me (and you, most likely) in the developed world don't have such a connection to a country half a world away, or perhaps freedom loving people are afraid that they will be funding terrorism and the like by giving to pakistanis, but i don't feel confident that it will be such the groundswell of donations as haiti was.  i could be completely wrong, however, as many muslim ngos and networks are incredibly well funded using a completely different donor model and they might teach those of us participating in a more western and, dare i say, mainstream response a thing or two.

coincidentally, today is also world humanitarian day.

29+5

it's goal update time again!  i am officially 29 and a half tomorrow.  and i have a few bones to pick with 29, but i have faith that it will smarten up for its final half.


1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  i am not feeling anxious lately, which is a good thing.  more of a general frustration and without a lot of direction of what the eff i am doing.  some days, i feel confident, sure that i am on the right path, and something is just around the corner.  but then other days, i am lethargic and melancholy and resemble pig pen surrounded by a cloud of gloom.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  i am doing ok.  not fantastically well, but ok.  and if facebook messages count, then i am on top of my game!  but sadly, that wasn't really the intention of this goal so i am not totally on the ball.  september is a big birthday month in my family though and i am already a little bit ahead of that game, so there's that.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  south africa is certainly in the works and i have sent messages to friends in cape town to see if i can visit with them.  and lucky for me, i have two friends coming to me in august and both are friends i knew in nairobi, one who now lives in east timor and the other in darfur, so it will be grand to catch up with them.


i will also get a visit in with my dad while i am in victoria this weekend (and a ride to the trailhead, yippee!) and am planning on spending more time at my family's cabin in the month of august and even though this is not technically what i had in mind with this goal, i am looking forward to it.

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  um, yeah.  i feel as though this year so far has been the year of opportunities that were not to be, but were so damn close!  there are a few more irons in the fire that could materialise into something, but no word yet on my dream job...

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  apparently 4 day hiking trips can be expensive.  but other than that, i am saving my pennies and will do until i have to fork out the dollars for my plane ticket to cape town.  until then though, my nest egg is coming along.  my new laptop took a chunk out of it, but full time hours, an increase in my billing rates, and freelance writing work are adding up.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  i didn't even eat dinner last night.  in fact, i ate lunch and that was it.  today i didn't eat until 1 and will hopefully remember to eat dinner too.  honestly, living alone in the summer means that i a) eat out a lot or b) don't eat unless i am starving and then just open the fridge and make a meal out of whatever combination of food hasn't gone bad.  the other night it was spinach pasta with gorgonzola cheese and asparagus on the side.  that is one of the better combos i have come up with, normally they include pretzels and dill pickles.  eesh.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  i am sleeping well, even with some of the hot evenings we have had, and have made a point a few nights this month to get to bed early enough to read some of my book before sleeping.  this might sound like something a Normal Person who do Regularly, but i don't and typically end up watching crappy tv (go chris go!) until i am exhausted and haul my behind to my bed. 


oh, this is sort of funny and involves sleeping...  i wanted to try out my new sleeping bag and was lying in it watching more bad tv and i fell asleep only to wake up in a pool of sweat because, hey, guess what?!   my sleeping bag is good up to 10 degrees and it was hot as balls in there when i woke up.  good to know that it will keep me warm this weekend!

8 - maintain my priorities.  i think i am doing well and especially after a spring where i felt pulled in all directions simultaneously, i am approaching a state of balance where i feel i am on top of most things, including my contract positions and my health and fitness (well, apart from the sore hoof).  this applies to all parts of my life except the state of my nest...  and because of the disaster i now find myself living in and because i seem to be able to work my buns off and save my pennies, i figure a good use of those pennies would be to hire someone to keep my nest in a presentable state.  hence, i am going to hire a housekeeper.  da da dun!


i feel slightly like a glutton for this decision, but it makes sense and it will allow me to continue to find balance by being outside to enjoy the summer weather and socialising with my networks while also getting paid work done while i am at home rather than feeling guilty about watching my bad tv when i should be dusting shelves, cleaning fridges, and sweeping floors.  

9 - keep asking for what i want.  i am keeping up with this one.  i haven't asked for anything monumental lately, but i have been giving some deep thought to what it is i do want and putting that out to the universe.  i suspect that when i see something i want, i will have all the confidence to ask for it like i deserve it and that is good enough for the midpoint of 29 as far as i am concerned.

she's so shiny and new

she is my new mac book pro.  and i love her.

but she needs a name.

i am not really sure how to use her effectively just yet, but i also got aperture, apple's photo editing software, and am hoping to do some fun things with my photos.

and for her price tag, she had better make me dinner and rub my feet!

29 + 4

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  remember last month and when i was thrilled with my ability to kick anxiety's ass?  wow, what a difference a month makes.  and as i just mentioned, i do not feel as though i am winning.  no specific anxieties, just a general sense of anxiousness pervading my days.  and i can't kick this idea that time is running out.  time to do what?  i am not sure.  but i do feel like i need to get on with something.  just not sure what that something is.

blah.  working on it, but blah.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special events, days, occasions.  i don't think i have done much of this this month as i have been a little preoccupied with keeping my life together.  one thing that i have done is take on some additional work as my supervisor is going through the death of a family member and i have been happy to do it.  but i still owe my bro $40 because i forgot to bring cash to put in his card and i sent my step-dad a birthday text a day late.  sheesh.  i need to get this one together!

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  i got out to vancouver island for a long weekend of family time and it was absolutely stunning.  my trip to south africa is still in the most initial stages of planning and there is a small, small hope that i migth get to visit friends in another city yet this summer.  fingers crossed!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  let's just say that this one is on hold.  opportunities are coming up with my day job and i managed to get a raise at my part time job, but i am working on the other details.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  unlike previous months this year, this is going better than the rest.  i have been working a lot, which is good for my bank account, and i have not been spending too much (except for that little spree last thursday... oh, the sales got the better of me!).  it helps that tax season is over for me and i have a clue about how much i will have to pay in coming years and can save/spend appropriately.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  just spent the weekend at my fam's cabin and that did wonders for my regular meat eating.  but still when i am at home alone i eat garlic dill pickles for dinner and that likely won't change any time soon!

actually, after the inspiration of regular meals of the cabin, i cooked shrimp for the first time ever tonight.  it was deceptively easy and i will certainly do that again.  because unless i continue to have vegetarian friends over for dinner (as i did a few weeks ago), i will have to expand my cooking repertoir past meat (and by extension, any shell fish) free dishes.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  the jetlag from asia took me quite some time to get over and that put a bit of a damper in my sleeping schedule, but since then!  i have managed to get it together and haven't even been napping much lately.  oh, except for after returning from a conference in banff for work where i certainly did not get enough sleep between 7am meetings and 2am bedtimes.

with stampede around the corner and a few parties already planned, i will surely need to plan for a few extra hours during the 10 days of partying in this town.

8 - maintain my priorities.  i am doing my best to stick with my priorities, but i am afraid that i have not been exercising as much as i should lately and a lot of my energies have been spent on work and on people who might not deserve them so a check is in order and i feel as though i have already started putting things back where they should be and remembering what is important.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  the first thing would be to figure out what it is that i want!  and lately it seems like a moving goal post...

29 + 3 - what a month!

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  still kicking anxiety's arse.  mostly through a lot of self talk, taming the crazy, and talking it out with good friends when i feel anxiety rearing its ugly head.  and no more meds, yippee.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special events, days, occasions. a found out a friend who was recently married was just broken into and they lost most of what they received at their wedding.  i didn't know what to do, so i sent her some flowers.  i realise this is as much about me as it was about her, but it made her day and it made me smile.  i also sent a friend a book that i think he'd enjoy and to ease the sting of having to miss mama's day, i put a card in the post before i left.  i'd say for one month, that was pretty good.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  imagine me, sitting on a boat, alone, in the middle of halong bay in vietnam, sorting out my priorities and my 6 month plan.  imagine me thinking to myself, 'no more international travel for 6 months because you must save money.'  then imagine me getting home to an invitation to attend my friend's wedding in south africa in october!!  i obviously had to say yes and then i had to follow that up with an affirmative answer when she asked me to be a bridesmaid!  i am rather looking forward to it and although this is not exactly what i planned during my vietnamese goal setting session, it does allow me another chance to meet my goals for the year!

and i am heading to vancouver island this weekend for some sea kayaking, some wine drinking, and some family visiting, yay!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  see #3 on the goal setting.  part of why i wanted to stop travelling so much for the next 6 months is so that i could save my pennies in preparation to pursue international work in 2011.  as i am keen to work on short term contracts on emergency response as a protection officer, i can't very well predict the next haiti or when darfur needs additional support in the protection department.  i also don't know if anyone will want me (although they did want me in haiti last week... until they realised i don't speak french) so i need to built a nest egg to cover my regular expenses in case i do not find something as soon as i start looking.

my trip to south africa might change my timeline or i might just keep it the same and make a bigger crunch in my spending, we shall see.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  still failing.  trips to vietnam and south africa are mostly getting in the way of this.  and the fact that we are just coming out of tax season and corporate taxes are a pain in my behind and are denting my bank account.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  still not doing so well, but it is tough to stock your fridge with groceries when you are not in your nest for more than two weeks at a time!  i am making healthier choices (except for that night last week where i had chocolate cake for dinner and that other night when i was still so hungover from the night before that i ordered pizza and was mildly ashamed that they now have my address on file).

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  napping is sort of my new hobby.  it started with the jet lag, was prolonged with copious wine drinking, and is maintained with early, productive mornings.  so it is not so bad and i am feeling rather rested when i am awake, it is just that my sleeping hours are a bit of a hot mess.

8 - maintain my priorities.  as mentioned, my alone time in vietnam was great and so was the training i was on in thailand because it allowed me to step back from the life i am currently leading and evaluate a few things.  namely, whether or not i am happy and content where i am, whether or not my jobs are fulfilling, and what i have to do now to set me up for success in my future endeavours. 

the outcome of all this thinking was that i need to save money in the coming months and i need to continue plugging away in my current jobs to build a good foundation for future employment and my nest egg.  i was also feeling as though i had lost my life/work balance in the weeks leading up to my trip to vietnam and it was a reminder that it is not the work itself that was creeping into my personal life, but the worries and frustrations.  and these were mostly coming from my trafficking-related work.  and volunteers.  and managing the crazy people who want to start their own ngos.  and the crazies who take the opportunity to yell at me during events.  you can imagine that it became rather taxing on my patience.

i returned to calgary feeling refreshed and ready to jump into spring and summer with the intention of taking full advantage of my current location and spending time at the cabin, running, and getting out more.  but the instant i turned on my work blackberry, i realised this would not be as easy as i imagined.  and it hasn't been.  i am largely back to juggling competing demands on my time and scheduling fun.  it had better not all been for naught though and i will keep working to find that elusive balance between my friends, my family, my corporate job, my non-profit job, my health, my running, my neglected nest, etc.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  there hasn't been anything i have asked for recently, perhaps i should change this!

unless, asking for help to do my trafficking job better by finding a dedicated volunteer to take on a portion of what i have been trying to stay on top of, but have let slip.  doesn't sound like much, but it is for someone who isn't in the habit of asking for help in that type of stuff!

saigon, if you prefer

i have been in vietnam for two days and already i have seen more motorbikes in those two days than i have seen in all my 29 years put together.  and somehow, i have managed not to get hit by one, even when crossing eight lanes of traffic.  and how do i remember that there were eight lanes of traffic?  i thought to myself, 'pay attention to how many lanes you are in the middle of right now, because i have no other idea how to describe the craziness of crossing this street but by describing the number of lanes for perspective.'  or something like that.

my first thoughts on ho chi minh city?  why did they decide to rename the city hcmc and then continue to call everything in it saigon?!  my second thoughts were that the vietnamese people i met seemed really considerate and helpful.  apart from the taxi driver that ripped me off at the airport...  i am not sure that i wasn't expecting this, but it was just nice that people smiled back when you smiled at them.

an aside, i am really thirsty right now so i am having a coke out of the mini bar in my hotel and how on earth do people drink this stuff regularly when your teeth get so damn fuzzy and sticky??

back to my thoughts on ho chi minh city (or saigon, if you prefer).  this place is a shoppers dream.  if you are a shopper who loves clothes, like me.  and a shopper who loves knock offs, not so like me, but i can be tempted.  i was contemplating a pair of pink shorts (because who needs a pair of pink shorts?) when i did the calculation on my iphone and realised that they were $15 so instead of wondering about the pink pair, i picked up a purple pair too.  you just never know when you are going to need a pair of purple shorts.

and speaking of money, i am constantly bewildered with the denomination of the currency, the dong.  today i spent 1 million dong in one store and that came to about $50.  i have almost overpaid people after bargaining them down, had to whip out my phone during the bargaining process to figure out what 450,000 dong is worth in dollars, and have given someone a bill equalling $.25 for payment of something much more expensive.

now if you find yourself in ho chi minh city (or saigon, if you prefer), i must wholeheartedly recommend staying at the indochine hotel.  the room was pretty plain, the lighting was awful, and i had a view of a dillapitated building, but the service was so fantastic that i would stay there again in a heartbeat.  the best part was that it was entirely central and after two days, i felt as though i had the chance to see everything that i wanted to see and they had free and fast wifi.

29 + 2

a few days early, but i wanted to reflect on the work to my goals for 2010 before i jet off again this weekend.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  april has been a good month.  a really busy month, but as far as anxiety is concerned, a good month.  it probably helped that any anxiety felt was because i was utterly swamped with life and work and that type of stress can be overwhelming, but i have always had an easier time dealing with this type than anxiety coming from uncertainty, emotional turmoil, or the feelings i get when i feel stagnant.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special events, days, occassions.  i haven't done anything particularly effective in april towards this, but have plans to prepare thank you cards and give a good friend who just ran the boston marathon a card to congratulate her on that incredible accomplishment.  this goal is most important and timely as i had 10 committed and hardworking volunteers who made the screening of call + response yesterday a success!

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  i am booked to visit my papa on vancouver island in june and in an unexpected twist of events, i will be meeting up with and appreciating the hospitality of a friend in vietnam.  i had seriously considered a trip to chicago, but unfortunately, that will have to be put off for the time being as i don't know that i will still have a job if i don't show up for more than 2 consecutive weeks at a time!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  nothing nailed down, but this course that i am going on in thailand will certainly open doors and help me solidify if i want to work in emergency situations again (i think i do) and i am really looking forward to meeting the other participants and the facilitators and learning from them and making more connections.

my day job is also gearing up lately and although it is not necessarily exactly what i would like to be doing in years to come, i continue to get more work and opportunities so i am happy to stick it out and have it pay the bills for a little while longer.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  failing.  utterly failing.  but should be meeting with my accountant to sort out my taxes before i leave the country again.  but apparently, international travel is not cheap!  but i promise to get on that nest egg as soon as i get back home.  really, i mean it this time.  this means no more shopping for dresses or eating out at delicious spots or pretty things for my nest.  for awhile.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  i am getting better at this, especially because i have been cooking more often and then eating my leftovers (even for lunch a few times to save my pennies!) so i always have decent food at hand.  i also have been more careful of what i eat the evening before big runs and immediately before a run.  this past weekend i ran 20km and was absolutely starving by 16km though so i still have some more to learn about how to fuel my body properly.

and it pays to mention here that i loved the food in mexico, as i had expected after being away from the country for a few years.  guacamole, pico de gallo, chilaquiles, machaca, oaxacan cheese!

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  it was great to sleep in mexico (although in a rather uncomfortable bed) and not have to get up to head to work or out for an early morning run.  since i returned, however, i have been sleeping enough (well, barely), but not very restfully.  i have been having dreams about what i have to do the next day and am having some anxiety in my sleep!  not quite like dreaming in bollywood, is it?

8 - maintain my priorities.  wow, this month gave me a run for my money in the priority department.  sadly, i let my running go this past week as i gathered up all the stuff for the event yesterday and picked up deliveries from the bus station, and organised volunteers.  in this same week, i had my car serviced,  lost and found my wallet, attended the volunteer calgary awards (even though we did not win), baked my boss cookies for his birthday, went out for a lovely dinner at san remo (yum!), did an interview with the cbc, went for another dinner at una (yum!) and 3 bottles of wine with my girlfriends, and managed to tidy my nest and do a lot of laundry.  it was a struggle, but i think i managed my time well and was careful not to make too many additional commitments over and above what i was capable of (apart from the cookies, that was excessive, but i need favours as i am taking time off again!)

i am hoping that i can have some more much needed downtime (i know, i know, i just got back from a week in mexico with my family...) in vietnam.  oh, did i mention i am going to vietnam?  well, i am!  a little add-on vacation after my time in thailand, which i am very excited and a little nervous about.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  i am going to thailand!  to stay in a 5 star hotel!  i was supposed to go to bangkok for the training that i mentioned last month, but they changed it to pattaya after the grenade attacks in bangkok last week.  i was a little disappointed as i really like bangkok and was looking forward to doing some shopping in my favourite districts, but i will just have to explore a new city instead.  one that just happens to be on the beach!
 
all of this came from applying to be included in this training, so i think that asking for what i want is paying off!  i also had to ask for time off (although as i am a contractor, no one can really say no) and that wasn't much fun, but had to be done.  next up, ask my volunteers to plan another kick ass event!