Sunday, July 04, 2010

been gone but not forgotten, i hope

(july 3, 2010)

i met someone once (and who it was, i cannot recall, which worries me ever so slightly) that instead of asking how you were doing would question, ‘are you winning?’

and lately, my answer would have been a bellowing ‘no.’ hence my silence on the www front. not that i didn’t have a whole lot to say, just not a lot of motivation to share it with the world.

i am not sure exactly what kicked off the wobbly moment, as my friend so eloquently called it, but it has lasted a good month now and i am one hundred times over this melancholy blue mood.

there are certainly a few things that exacerbated the situation and instead of listing them here, let me just say that there were a few text messages sent to friends recently that said I HATE DATING or I AM GETTING A CAT.

those of you who have been visiting my place on the interwebs for some now will know that i go through periods of not knowing what i want to do be when i grow up. and that, along with text messages in capital letters, seems to be weighing me down lately.

i realise that i don’t need to know exactly what i will BE when i grow up and anyone who meets me would know that i am already rather grown up, if i do say so myself. but i have always required some sense of direction to motivate me to strive to work towards it. and right now, i have a good job, but not one that i can imagine doing in years to come. i have a great nest, but not one that i necessary want to stay in forever. and i don’t feel as though i am living my life as fully as i could.

the logical answer would be to figure out what is ‘missing’ and find it. but that process seems to be tougher than my type a brain would like.

in a strange way, the warmer weather and increasing availability of stuff to do is overwhelming me and making me feel as though i am not taking advantage of my current situation enough. enough, enough, enough, i would like to take that word out of my vocabulary and replace with something that echoes contentment and satisfaction, but i am afraid i won’t be able to until i solve the mystery of what would be enough, enough, enough.

i remember feeling this way when i was coming to the end of the masters degree and in a twist of fate, i was offered a job that previously did not exist in kenya. i am trying to hand this one over to the universe too, but for the last 6 months or so i have felt as though something was just around the corner and now that i am metaphorically around that corner of time and nothing has emerged, i am feeling a little panicky and that sucks a big old egg.

4 comments:

k said...

Take some time and be content in the moment today. :) It is ok to enjoy where you are while still looking for new opportunities.
(and sorry to hear about what must have been some unfortunate incidents that lead to those texts...)

La Cabeza Grande said...

Oh, Lu! Please remember that you are only young once. As K said, "...be content in the moment today." Imagine you are 50 years old and what you would say to your 29 year old self (there's a website for that).

Let me be a cautionary tale for you. I have no purpose or direction, haven't dated in years and have 2 cats. I am living the cliche!

La Cabeza Grande said...

The site I referred to in my comment is http://cassieboorn.com/20-something-self-letters/

These are real letters and offer an interesting look into where these women are vs. where they were.

lu said...

Ok, my dear Cabeza... Let's both write a letter to our 20 year old selves. I think we could both learn from the process!