a reminder

The good fight is the one that's fought in the name of our dreams. When we're young and our dreams first explode inside us with all of their force, we are very courageous, but we haven't yet learned how to fight. With great effort, we learn how to fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat. So we turn against ourselves and do battle within. We become our own worst enemy. We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realize, or the result of our not having known enough about life. We kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight. 


Paulo Coelho from The Pilgrimage

ready or not, juan, here i come!

i am not sure if i have committed myself to something that is far over my head, but in three short weeks, i will be hiking the juan de fuca trail on vancouver island.  i haven't done any overnight hiking in years and haven't been running or doing much of anything too active for weeks, so this might turn out to be the stupidest decision i have ever made or the challenge that i need right now.

it is less than 42km and we will be doing it over 4 days so that is less than 12km per day, which sounds rather doable.  until, of course, i consider i will be carrying everything i need on my back!

i have expressed my anxieties about this endeavour to my friend who i am going with and he has assured me that he will carry the heavy stuff and will be there to make sure that i get up all the hills and across all the puddles.  but still, i am scared.

but considering my recent wobbles and general attitude about my life lately, maybe this is what i need?

it didn't help that when i googled the hike (on my new, as yet unnamed, but beloved) laptop, i found the following quote:

"The Juan de Fuca trail is one of the most difficult trails I've ever hiked. There's tons of mud, puddles, rain, difficult-to-negotiate exposed roots, steep up and downs, blow-downs and cobbles." He also admits, "It's one of the most beautiful regions I've hiked through, but you earn it, that's for sure."

all i am going to say is that there may be tears.

never forget

'never forget:

justice is what love looks like in public'

~ dr cornel west

i had the opportunity to see the film call + response last night and it is such a well crafted piece of advocacy on human trafficking as well as a few hours of solid entertainment.

if you love music, demand social justice, and want to support worthy causes, see this movie and then buy the soundtrack on itunes.

i'm trying

this came straight from oprah's mouth by way of a friend. not exactly a direct quote, but you get the idea.

'whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. only you give it power.'

accents, aid, arrogance & arrivals

i am never going to be comfortable with the way the bbc reporters pronounce new or-lee-ins. same with hirosh-ima. being native to neither of these countries, i am not sure that my way of pronounciation is correct either.

* * *

i wish i was in accra, ghana this week for the 3rd high level forum on aid effectiveness. i wrote my master dissertation on the ineffectiveness of foreign aid and it was a bit of a downer to research how foreign aid hasn't worked without coming up with a whole lot of new ideas of how aid could be effective. then i moved to kenya and my job was funded by that same foreign aid and i am no more convinced that any development actually results from all the money spent, especially in kenya.

i still believe in foreign aid, development, and humanitarian relief, if that is something to believe in, but it is rather difficult to reconcile my belief that foreign aid should continue and increase with the knowledge that it hasn't been effective in pulling most of africa out of poverty. i am not ready to give up on my belief just yet and am interested to see what comes out of this 'high level forum.'

* * *

i found this quote and it finally sums up what i have felt about the travellers' arrogance that drives me batty. especially when it comes from canadians, which it does more often than others, in my opinion.

We wish to learn all the curious, outlandish ways of all the different countries, so that we can 'show off' and astonish people when we get home. We wish to excite the envy of our untraveled friends with our strange foreign fashions which we can't shake off. All our passengers are paying strict attention to this thing, with the end in view which I have mentioned. The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become, until he goes abroad.

Mark Twain, The Innocents Abroad

* * *

my mom arrives tomorrow for a visit!

simple development wisdom

'you can't donate people out of poverty.'

and that is, pretty much, why foreign aid won't work. sorry fans of the .7% gdp to foreign aid (of which i used to be), i just don't think it will work. it may have paid my salary and pay my salary again in the future. but i no longer have faith it will work.

thanks, paul polak and the hour with george stroumboulopoulos.

overhead in nairobi

(september 12, 2007)

the following were all parts of my conversations today:

‘i put my indicator pants on this morning and they gave me good news, they indicated in the right direction’

(you know indicator pants, the ones that tell you when you have gained or lost weight)

‘today was such a long day, the best thing that happened to me was that i found out i am hiv negative.’

(i am not sure why i find this so funny but i think it had something to do with the delivery and the absolute seriousness with which it was spoken. i guess you call that irony)

‘my stomach is full but my brain tells me to keep eating’

(this seems to happen a lot in our flat but without the goodies that we are used to eating when we want to eat snacks or junk, we eat pb outta the jar, cheese, substandard ice cream, yoghurt, cups of tea, or left-overs – none of which are terribly unhealthy)

‘you smell like an engine’

(he did)

‘i know how much you love q tips, do you want the package of q tips that came in my package from north america?’

(ummmm... yes! do you even need to ask? q tips around here are like cigarettes in prison, or what i would imagine cigarettes would be in prison – you can barter and trade using them as currency because they are so scarce and difficult to get. i now have a fresh package for all my ear cleaning needs. if i have one neurosis (and who are we kidding, i have about 56), it is obsessively cleaning my ears with q tips and no other brand can even begin to compare)

i'm trying

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."

Buddha

that's right...

I’ve been down to Georgia
I’ve seen the streets in the West
I’ve driven down the 90
Hell, I’ve seen America’s best
I’ve been through the Rockies
I’ve seen Saskatoon
I’ve driven down the Highway 1
Just hoping that I’d see you soon
Cause I’m coming home
I’m coming home...

I’ve never been to Alaska
But I can tell you this
I’ve been to Lincoln, Nebraska
And hell, you know it ain’t worth shit
I’ve been through thru Nova Scotia
Sydney to Halifax
I’ve never taken pictures
Cause I know I’ll be right back
I’m coming home...

I’ve seen a palace in London
I’ve seen a castle in Wales
But I’d rather wake up beside you
And breath that old familiar smell
I never though you could leave me
I figured I was the one
That understands your sadness
So I guess I should just hold my tongue
But I’m coming home
I’m coming home...
I know that we’re taking chances
Tell me life was a risk
I just have one last question
Will it be my heart or will it be his

Coming home...

so i haven't mentioned this to my boss, changed my plane ticket, or figured anything out really, but i have decided one thing and that is that i'm coming home for a visit in july.

wherein my education and experience collide

i started and finished the book Emma's War by Deborah Scroggins in just over 24 hours and i must recommend it (although getting to sleep in the wee hours of the night was a bit troublesome after reading about the war in southern sudan and the atrocities that have far too long been an element of the sudanese struggle/conflict/rebelmovement/war/genocide/history).

while turning the pages, constantly flipping back to the maps, endnotes, and glossary to absorb as much information as i could, i recalled my research on the Nuer and Dinka peoples for an anthropology paper during my undergrads at the university of calgary. i had unintentionally come across the reasons why calgarians, among many others, were (understatedly) displeased with the involvement of calgary company Talisman Energy in the sudanese oil fields. after rereading about the complexities of the war in sudan, i was reminded why i do not live in calgary at the moment. a rather simple argument, i realise, but the irony of the recollection of volunteering at the g8 summit in kananaskis, where Jean Chretién attempted to keep the made-in-africa New Parntership for Africa's Development (NEPAD) on the international agenda, with a friend whose day job was at Chevron is enough to make me simultaneously shake my head and laugh. because what else do you do when you know that a number of people from your hometown could potentially have done something to, at the very least, curb some of the violence in a country on the other side of the world?

read the book. and that whole expat attitude of seeking out danger, atoning for the west’s sins, and escaping from the world into which you are born? i get it. and i see it everyday in nairobi. i would be lying by omission if i didn’t admit that is part of why i am here.

Take up the White Man’s Burden
The savage wars of peace –
Fill full the mouth of Famine
And bid the sickness cease.
- Rudyard Kipling (1898)

i would argue the methods may have changed, but the motives of wazungu/kawajas in africa are much the same as they’ve always been.

my sister is a genius

'heart burn from stress is in our genes. it is right next to the baking gene that relieves stress.'

'i met a guy who looks like david grey. is david grey black?'

3 words: taylor & mom's pants

it just made me laugh out loud again, the kind where you try not to let it out. love that.

the reality of inequality

in my research on sexual and gender-based violence, i came across these quotes:

'Each time a person stands up for an idea, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, (s)he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.'
Robert F. Kennedy

'Violence against women is global in reach, and takes place in all societies and cultures... It affects women no matter what their race, ethnicity, social origin, birth or other status may be... Much more reamins to be done to create and sustain an environment where women can go about their lives free from this scourge.'
Kofi Annan

'Where after all do universal human rights begin? In small places, close to home... such are the places where every man, woman and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination.'
Eleanor Roosevelt

'The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.'
Albert Einstein

'[Rape] is nothing more or less than a conscious process of intimidation by which all men keep all women in a state of fear.'
Susan Brownmiller

'The day will come when men will recognize woman as his peer, not only at the fireside, but in coucils of the nation. Then, and not until then, will there be the perfect comradeship, the ideal union between the sexes that shall result in the highest development of the race.'
Susan B. Anthony

'Women are the victims of this patriarchal culture, but they are also its carriers. Let us keep in mind that every oppressive man was raised in the confines of his mother's home.'
Shirin Ebadi

'There must be no impunity for gender based violence. Let me be clear. What we are talking about is not a side issue. It is not a special interest group of concern to only a few. What we are talking about are not only women's rights but also the human rights of over one half of this globe's population... Violence against women concerns not only women but above all the rest of us.'
Sergio Vieira de Mello

'A great many people think they are thinking when they are just rearranging their prejudices.'
William James

although the material i am reading is shocking, disgusting, and appalling, i am grateful to be in the position to use it in appeals for money to combat such inequality. as a friend told me this morning, i won the lottery by being born in canada. i don't disagree.

oh, we're gonna laugh!

"am I excited you ask? well, does a butterfly taste with its feet? do you have maternity binskies? does a kick in the balls hurt? the answer is yes, if you were wondering."

"i just saw an account at work with the name Mr. and Mrs. Balls. hahahahaha. i would NOT change my name if that was my husband's name. how do you even say your name seriously. 'table for Mr.Balls. that's b-a-l-l-s. BALLS.'"

another gem

"That's the thing about ex-girlfriends...they have terrible timing!"

moms, they always know what to say.

variety is the spice of life

and my newest favourite quote?

"You are not married....so why not have a selection?"

natural high

that song 'i'm so excited, i just can't hide it, i'm about to lose control and i think i like it... i know, i know, i know i want you. want you' makes me want to dance on a wednesday morning.

'i want to love you feel you, wrap myself around you...' seriously, dancing in my chair here.

i might be drinking too much coffee lately. or i have been naturally hyper this week. yesterday morning i woke up at 6am and went for a run (freaking altitude - i feel like such a light weight running in kenya) and then last night i changed all the light bulbs in my flat that were burnt out, made today's lunch, knit half a mitten while watching The Departed (i give it 1 thumb up, but i give pirated copies of new movies 2 thumbs up), and painted a table. as i didn't have anything like paint thinner to get the paint off my hands afterwards, i am still covered in white. good thing i don't have any important meetings today.

i am also pleased to report that my skin looks less like an adolescent's these days. (no disrespect to my adolescent bros). and i have been informed that the prescription i have for antibiotics isn't even necessary and i can now just go back to the chemist and ask for another month of the drug. and i have been told to bargain on the price of the medication. so, no prescription and bargaining on the price. hmmm.... just another reason why international development doesn't work or a more efficient and streamlined system?

i have been considering lent again this year. as you may recall, i gave up chocolate for 40 days last year. as i write this, i am nibbling on some israeli chocolate treats compliments of the all-woman department i work in. my thoughts this year are to give up coffee (but i love coffee so much, it seems silly to deprive myself of one of the few liquids i consume), chocolate again (but this will obviously be tough with the above mentioned all-woman department), or follow a friend's suggestion and try out the anti-lent. smoke more, drink more, and eat more red meat. i am on board with all of those suggestions apart from the smoking and the red meat.

favourite quote from last weekend: 'for a cave, it is pretty clean.'

my girl jann

i didn't write this (she did), but i liked it.

Life is a miserable, beautiful mess and we are in the middle of the greatest, saddest adventure! What an opportunity to learn. I can take on whatever the world has to throw at me, or hand me, or give me, or use me for. The only day in my life that I’ll be certain about anything, will be the day I leave here to begin all over again. Well, I am certain about you, and I was before I even knew you existed.

to love is to risk not being loved in return

i returned to lancaster today (in the midst of an british heat wave - hot and sticky and train tracks falling apart due to the heat) and i was forced to face some of the things i have been pondering and stewing over for the past few months. saying good bye to people and cultivating friendships all overshadowed with an overarching sense of sadness, confusion, and excitement about the future. then my sister sent me this quote and it seemed to sum everything up rather succintly

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental

To reach out to another is to risk involvement,

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self

To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss

To love is to risk not being loved in return,

To hope is to risk despair,

To try is to risk to failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow,

But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

The pessimist complains about the wind;

The optimist expects it to change;

And the realist adjusts the sails.

William Arthur Ward, "To Risk"

i have decided to take a risk and post some goals i have for the rest of the summer here in lancaster.

i want to run 16km per week.
i want to foster relationships in these last few months and take advantage of opportunities to continue knowing the people that surround me.
i want to work for at least 5 hours per weekday on my dissertation.

back to fish and bicycles

it would be an understatement to say that south dakota's attempt to overturn roe v wade is unsettling to me. they are using the collective defense of the unborn child as a way to undermine the choice of the mother.

The states are not free, under the guise of protecting maternal health or potential life, to intimidate women into continuing pregnancies.
~ Justice Harry A. Blackmun, Roe v. Wade, 22 January 1973

Seventy-seven percent of anti-abortion leaders are men. 100% of them will never be pregnant.
~ Planned Parenthood advertisement

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.
~ Gloria Steinem

a bright green scarf

how does one go into town to shop for tin foil, paper towel, a birthday gift, and face wash and come home with all that AND two pairs of shoes?! well if i knew how it happened yesterday i would tell you. but neither of them were very expensive and both quite cute, if i do say so myself.

i also came across the most fabulous little soup bar yesterday during my alone time. i had carrot and lentil soup and fresh bread and don't think i have eaten something quite that healthy or fresh that i haven't made in a long time. and the company of the woman running the shop was just as nice. i love a woman who wears a bright green scarf.

inspiration struck last night and i crafted little valentines packages and filled them with homemade cookies to give to people in my classes today. i felt rather good doing something for other people and it reminded me that when you are having a bad day that often the best way out of it is to do something nice for someone else. it really does work.

i had a class today where it was so incredibly theoretical that my brain is still trying to unravel itself from the confusion it managed to get into. but i did walk away with this quote, which i quite enjoy although i do not know for certain who said it: you are obliged to inhabit that which you critique.

and on a lighter note, someone outside my window is singing some sort of opera aria and it is not exactly what i want to hear when the sun has just peaked through the clouds on a tuesday valentines afternoon. maybe i should request something a little more upbeat?