would like to go home now

yesterday, i had one of those days where i wanted to have my own car, the yellowpages to find someone to repair my leaking cooking gas hose, and a taste of winter to cool me down from the tropical heat.

the key to getting over that hump of what i suppose could be described by some as culture shock, was to have a serious in-the-bed nap and go for a run once the heat of the day had passed.

part of my frustration comes from the fact that although i have a few small projects that i am working on (including writing up a research report that is taking me far too long, but i am enjoying), i am beginning to get slightly stir crazy and need to have something that is mine, that i can accomplish, and that will show that i did something during my time in liberia.  it is a bit of a challenge in a city like monrovia, where you often have to do a little digging to figure out how to do more than go to the regular expat haunts and hang out by the pool or beach and the easiest way to go about this would be to find a short term consultancy so that i can have evidence of living in liberia on my cv (because we all know a person's value is based entirely on their cv in some circles...).

but then i am reminded that soon enough, i will have a job and i will too busy to sip my coffee into the morning hours while watching episodes of tv shows i usually don't have time for or reading book after book sitting poolside.  ups and downs, pros and cons, are always there, their content just shifts with time and location.

top tips for being a houseguest

• avoid offending your host by rolling your eyes at the mention of the industry she has worked in for the past 3 years.
• try to keep your unsolicited information and knowledge on how the sugar releases the chemicals in tomatoes to yourself at the dinner table.
• be mindful of how much you are asking the housekeeper to do and in what you are asking your host to communicate to the compound staff on your behalf.
• don't let your host know that you approve of her selection in a partner, she likely doesn't care what you think.
• don't complain about the bedding or the mattress or the curtains.  just don't.

pardon the rant

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wah wah wah

i am in a funk.  it is official.

and what is the cause of this funk, you might ask.  (and if you didn't ask, you can stop reading here because i am going to go ahead and answer my own question).

i fear that i am loosing my 'edge.'  i used to be the person in a meeting who would say their background was in international development, but now i have been back in canada and working in oil and gas for over a year and without a huge repertoir of work experience to my credit, i can't keep going on saying that i have a 'background' in much of anything if i have been doing what i now do (whatever that is...) half as long as i used to work in kenya.

and yet, the career path that i am heading down now doesn't excite me or inspire me to do my best.  i will do a good job, but i don't really care about my work (at least not my day job).  sure, working for the bureaucracy that is the un system and in a country that was seriously lacking in infrastructure that i now have the luxury of working with, was also a daily struggle and i wouldn't say that i cared about my job everyday, but at least i took ownership of my work and felt that there was a greater reason to do it than just a paycheque.

eesh.  i just don't know what is to come next and i fear it will just be more of the same.  and yet, i don't know what to do besides what i have been doing by keeping my network warm and sending out updated cv's to people in that industry.  i was feeling really motivated and that i was sitting on the precipice of something interesting or exciting or just a change of some sort and now i fear that i am spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere apart from exactly where i already am.

blah, i am whining.  and this is a funk.  and i am not quite sure what to do to get out of it.

but, hey!  i ran 14km last weekend and it felt great and not a huge stuggle and the 16km that i have scheduled for this coming weekend is not scaring the bajeezus out of me and that is good.

sunday evening reads

i'm reposting links that i got from good intentions are not enough because i think they are pretty interesting reads.

i like what foreign policy has to say about sending your old shoes to haiti in their article How Not to Help Haiti.  in a word, it's useless.

the Appropriate Infrastructure Development Group (AIDG) has a blog post of 10 things learned from one their staff's experience of the earthquake in haiti.  take that, cnn and my new least favourite reporter anderson cooper...

maybe i should lighten up my sunday reads.  it might help improve my mood...  blah.

just go away already!

i had the worst, neverending dream last night. i even woke up at one point and went back to sleep and the damn bad dreams continued.

it all came down to having to relive the experience of having someone choose to go and fight in a war thousands of miles away rather than proceed with the plans of life that we had made. but this time, i was there and then had to go and live alone in germany, where i just did not want to be.

it just makes me wonder when this whole ugly experience will stop rearing its ugly head and just let me get on with my life. blech. one, big, gross blech that took me hours to overcome today. just put a damper on my day and i had a hard time shaking it.

muffin top prevention

the indicator pants are back!

and they are not indicating as i wish they would. it is not really a problem because i had to purchase all new pants last year when i lost (too much) weight. and not on purpose.

but now (now!) i am not feeling too comfortable with the tautness of my denim and i am really adverse to the idea of buying new pants as soon as the autumn returns in full force (or when it dips down under 10 degrees in august!! which is totally normal.... seriously, canada).

i have picked up my running again and can safely and (relatively) comfortably head out for a 8km without concern, but this past week i felt a twinge in my knee. and anyone who runs knows that a twinge in the knee is the last thing you want to feel. and it has continued to get worse and after an examination by a certified medical professional, it seems that i need to strengthen the muscles around my joints and do a lot more stretching. having to stay away from the running has meant that i have taken my bike out and will need to diversify my fitness activities.

as i have always believed that september long weekend is the true new year, i am planning on starting (or revisiting, as it were) some other activities that will do well to keep me healthy and with any luck, prevent me from having to go out and buy new jeans...

i am prepared to find and start attending a yoga class in my new neighbourhood and have the number of a trainer that i will call with my inquiries about how it all works, including how much motivation costs. gyms have never really been my thing, but maybe i can still get those killer arms that i have always wanted with a little support from the professionals.

a sad day in the golden state

i had really hoped that if, during my trip to san francisco next week, i met a lovely woman who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, i could have a quickie marriage on the shores of the bay. but that dream was dashed when the california high court upheld the ban on same-sex marriage yesterday.

there are few issues that i see as black and white and this is one of them. i have yet to hear any argument that can even begin to convince me that two consenting adults who love one another do not have the right to marry based on their gender.

and like gloria says, anyone who believes that women's rights are not intimately linked to gay rights is sorely mistaken. any time our ability to procreate is linked to the rights we enjoy, we are taking a step back not only for gay men and women who wish to marry, but to women everywhere.

if i ruled the world

i have had three 'run in's' lately in my jobs. and the phrase 'run in' is probably too harsh because there have been no disagreements or arguments, just situations where i want to shake sense into people so that they would do things my way thereby reducing challenges in the future.

situation 1 - there is a very eager woman who wishes to volunteer her time and energies into doing some work for a cause. we've discussed it and i know she fears that i am moving too slowly, but at the same time, my experience and my relations with law enforcement and knowledge of ethical principles of service provision makes me confident that she needs to slow down before doing unintentional damage. i have tried to explain this to her, but she just seems hellbent on moving forward.

situation 2 - i am involved in a philanthropic endeavour with my full time position and i have a colleague who i am working with on it who doesn't seem impressed that i am overcoming the initial challenges to open lines of communication and get things done. there is a chance that she feels it is her project, but i've been the one actually making things happen.

situation 3 - i am in the middle of a political fight at work. i am supposed to liaise between groups and to ensure processes are followed and implemented so that we don't open ourselves up to being sued or anyone taking legal action against us. but try convincing the people who are in the field that! cripes.

i know that i can be stubborn as all get out and that i like things to be done my way, but what happens when you genuinely believe that your way is the right way? on some things, i can take a step back and just allow the pieces to fall in time (as in situation 3), but sometimes i just wish people would listen to me so that they will stop creating more work for me!

blah. and sorry about the cryptic nature of this rather hum drum post, but even writing about work seems a bit sketchy so i am trying to keep it vague, making rather irritating reading, i am sure.

in other more positive thoughts, i am going to san francisco in 21 days!

one hell of a hard week

this past week was hard. sort of like how 25 was hard.

and how do i know it was so hard? on wednesday i ate chocolate fudge cake and brussel sprouts for dinner. just because i wanted to. and the sprouts were not going to last much longer in my fridge. on friday i ate a Ritter Sport delicious bar of chocolate for dinner then fell asleep for 12 hours. 12 full hours of sleep uninterrupted by downstairs neighbours, by car alarms, or by that pesking alarm waking me up for yet another day of work. i feel fantastic.

but that week was still hard.

and i am up bright and early on a saturday morning, sipping my capuccino and looking at this cafe's menu trying to find something that has iron in it since i have not eaten meat in nearly 2 months and i am feeling as though i might be anemic. instead of actually having a blood test to check this out, i am just going to eat a cheeseburger and see if that helps.

the spirit has taken a hit

i have been really busy lately hating the universe and it got in the way of writing about how excited i am to come home. i wasn't hating the whole universe, mostly just the british army part of the universe. but at least some of that hatred has passed. and i have let go of the fact that i cannot win in a fight against the british army.

well, almost let go.

who are we kidding, i will never be able to let it go.

but now i can get back to the excitement. 5 days!

clearing the funk

i am not sure what my problem is today but i have a touch of the funk. it started this morning and has settled in to make me rather unmotivated with a bit of worry on the side. and i had a wonderful worry-free weekend and was feeling a lot more positive than i have recently. runs and sunshine and new paint and evening walks and indian food and repaired hot water heaters and sitting at coffee shops with a new book and good wine and movies will do that to you. let's hope it is just this miserable weather that is responsible for this mood and that an afterwork run and some sunshine will remedy me.

and going home to my kitchen might help... i have been a cooking machine lately. risotto (by candlelight and headlamp because our electricity was on the fritz), vegetable and lentil soup (complements of my new flatmate's repertoir), and vegetarian chile (which was cooked in a huge witch's cauldron and included everything we needed to get rid of in our fridge). our freezer is now stocked and we haven't had to throw out any vegetables.

i am coasting and relaxing and waiting and enjoying these days. apart from this cloud above my head today, i'm confident that some things are sorting themselves out. with an upcoming phone call with my sis and a double capuccino with skim milk and lunch with a new friend and a pilates class and a night of movies and furniture delivery on their way, i trust things will make a turn in the right direction.

i just had a bit of a brainwave... i think this mood is the result of my restless sleep last night which was the fault of the 2 cups of coffee i drank after work. which is a bit ironic considering the night before i had the most amazing sleep and barely even stirred when there was an earthquake (just a 5.2 in tanzania that we felt up here). the moral of the story - no coffee after 5pm for me.

59 4-letter words

(january 8, 2007)

i should have known that today would be a crumby day after the way it started. i was running late and as i hurried out of the house with my go-mug and two pieces of toast in my hands, i managed to get jam on my sweater sleeve and almost drop my armload of stuff. and when you swear more than 3 times before leaving the front door, it’s a given that the day will most certainly suck.

and it did.

not for any particular reason. just one of those days where thoughts of your own future evolve into a downward spiral of stress, frustration, and discontent. where no one can convince you otherwise and you just need to be stuck there for awhile. i think i have managed to climb out of the funk enough to see a bit more clearly. i think the two cups of tea helped. tea always helps to make sense of a difficult situation.

you know what would help more? 2-5 years of work experience. but not just any work experience of course, but specific kinds that i do not have. i could suck it up and put more time in and gain this elusive experience but i don’t really know where exactly i would do this or if it would get me any closer to working in the area of development that i would most enjoy. mostly because i have no idea what area that would be. i have some ideas, but nothing solid enough as to be the foundation of decisions on where to live, where to work, or what on earth to do next.

i know, i know. it will all work out. and you just have to get your foot in the door. and it is who you know. and be patient. blah, blah, blah. i am sure it is all true but it is the sort of advice that says ‘hurry up and wait’ and doesn’t give you anything to work with.

at the risk of sounding overly melodramatic – does it get any easier?

international women's day

today i was...

...referred to as 'blondie'
...made to wait to start a meeting that i had arranged with my professor until my male classmate arrived late
...laughed at for saying i would have burnt my bra if i were around during the beginning of the women's rights movement
...told i was being an 'idiot' for stating my concerns
...called 'cute' when i was angry with the quality of the teaching in my programme
...assumed to be an irrational and overreacting girl rather than be heard
...told i should stop being a feminist if i ever want to work for the un

makes you realise why we still have to have an international day just for women. and i am one of the lucky ones who has access to education and opportunity.

a bright green scarf

how does one go into town to shop for tin foil, paper towel, a birthday gift, and face wash and come home with all that AND two pairs of shoes?! well if i knew how it happened yesterday i would tell you. but neither of them were very expensive and both quite cute, if i do say so myself.

i also came across the most fabulous little soup bar yesterday during my alone time. i had carrot and lentil soup and fresh bread and don't think i have eaten something quite that healthy or fresh that i haven't made in a long time. and the company of the woman running the shop was just as nice. i love a woman who wears a bright green scarf.

inspiration struck last night and i crafted little valentines packages and filled them with homemade cookies to give to people in my classes today. i felt rather good doing something for other people and it reminded me that when you are having a bad day that often the best way out of it is to do something nice for someone else. it really does work.

i had a class today where it was so incredibly theoretical that my brain is still trying to unravel itself from the confusion it managed to get into. but i did walk away with this quote, which i quite enjoy although i do not know for certain who said it: you are obliged to inhabit that which you critique.

and on a lighter note, someone outside my window is singing some sort of opera aria and it is not exactly what i want to hear when the sun has just peaked through the clouds on a tuesday valentines afternoon. maybe i should request something a little more upbeat?