(may 16, 2008)
my little (big) brother does this thing when he is going to bed and he has done it as long as any of us can remember – he wiggles and fidgets and flops around until he finds ‘his spot’ before he can get to sleep. i guess it is something about finding that place in your bed where the sheets, duvet, and pillows align for the perfect combination of fluffliness, firmness, coziness, warmth, and coolness.
i think i am doing the same thing right now, but in a more metaphorical way. i am not the most confident person at the best of times in terms of what i have achieved and accomplished academically or professionally but lately i feel like perhaps i am still trying to find ‘my spot.’
i am good at a lot of things, but not great at any one thing and i think that i want to be. i want to be so passionate about something that i excel at it and become known for my knowledge and experience in that one area. maybe because the reality is hitting me that i am leaving my job and this field for the time being, but if i were to stay, i would join the ranks of people in the world who know a lot about human trafficking. there are not that many people who can be considered ‘experts’* on the topic and in some circles, i am considered just that. but a few more years of experience and exposure, i would probably feel confident that i am gathering expertise.**
but do i feel so strongly about it that i can continue to commit my career to it? i am not so sure. but are people who are really good at certain things really in love with those topics? i sort of doubt it. but i still like to think so.
i have a few ideas of what i could be that passionate about and i plan on exploring them in the near future. i just hope that i can find something, stick to it, and love what i do.
until then, i will continue wiggling, fidgeting, and flopping until i find my spot, however long it takes.
*although i hate that word and think it is thrown around at whim around here
**another word i hate