it gets better

this video breaks my heart, but gives me more hope than anything.

if you haven't already, watch the video that went viral and began the movement called the it gets better project.

what an inspiring message - it does get better and it's up to all us to make sure that it does.

been gone but not forgotten, i hope

(july 3, 2010)

i met someone once (and who it was, i cannot recall, which worries me ever so slightly) that instead of asking how you were doing would question, ‘are you winning?’

and lately, my answer would have been a bellowing ‘no.’ hence my silence on the www front. not that i didn’t have a whole lot to say, just not a lot of motivation to share it with the world.

i am not sure exactly what kicked off the wobbly moment, as my friend so eloquently called it, but it has lasted a good month now and i am one hundred times over this melancholy blue mood.

there are certainly a few things that exacerbated the situation and instead of listing them here, let me just say that there were a few text messages sent to friends recently that said I HATE DATING or I AM GETTING A CAT.

those of you who have been visiting my place on the interwebs for some now will know that i go through periods of not knowing what i want to do be when i grow up. and that, along with text messages in capital letters, seems to be weighing me down lately.

i realise that i don’t need to know exactly what i will BE when i grow up and anyone who meets me would know that i am already rather grown up, if i do say so myself. but i have always required some sense of direction to motivate me to strive to work towards it. and right now, i have a good job, but not one that i can imagine doing in years to come. i have a great nest, but not one that i necessary want to stay in forever. and i don’t feel as though i am living my life as fully as i could.

the logical answer would be to figure out what is ‘missing’ and find it. but that process seems to be tougher than my type a brain would like.

in a strange way, the warmer weather and increasing availability of stuff to do is overwhelming me and making me feel as though i am not taking advantage of my current situation enough. enough, enough, enough, i would like to take that word out of my vocabulary and replace with something that echoes contentment and satisfaction, but i am afraid i won’t be able to until i solve the mystery of what would be enough, enough, enough.

i remember feeling this way when i was coming to the end of the masters degree and in a twist of fate, i was offered a job that previously did not exist in kenya. i am trying to hand this one over to the universe too, but for the last 6 months or so i have felt as though something was just around the corner and now that i am metaphorically around that corner of time and nothing has emerged, i am feeling a little panicky and that sucks a big old egg.

it started with a seed

over 4 years ago (and i remember this because it was just before the last world cup), i went to london with my bf at the time and my parents, who were visiting from canada.  we rented a sedan, took ourselves for a holiday of live theatre and sightseeing, and visited portobello market.  and in that lovely market, we bought some seedy bread.  and one of those seeds got stuck between my teeth.

like, really stuck.  stuck so badly that for a few days i had a constant dull ache on that side of my mouth.

eventually, with my mad skills in the flossing department, i got that seed out and there would always be a larger space between those two teeth than any of my others.

i adapted to this by carrying around my favourite kind of floss to make sure i thoroughly floss after eating anything that had a tendency to get stuck in there.  apples, beef, anything stringy.  gross, but i never got the 'floss more' lecture from the dentist because i became mildly obsessed.

and when my sis and bro-in-law and i were sitting down to a cold beer and a bite to eat in victoria last weekend before boarding our plane back to calgary, i noticed that i had a hole in my tooth.  a hole in my tooth!  i had my sister investigate it (yes, in the restaurant) and we agreed that it was most likely a cavity, which seemed inevitable.  i made sure to get in to the dentist the very next day and when they told me that my tooth was actually broken and that they suggested repairing it with a crown, i braced myself for the freezing, the drills, and the awfulness of the dentist in general and went for it.

but being frozen that evening really threw me for a loop and put me in a bit of a funk that lasted through the week.  the miserable weather and confusing text message dating certainly didn't help, but the invasion of having someone's hands in my mouth and not being able to feel half of my face for a number hours seems to have had quite a psychological impact.  and it wasn't nice.

i dug myself out of the funk that week and had a lovely weekend full of beers on patios, hikes in kananaskis, and a patio-hopping fundraising event full of food, wine, and good friends.

but that was not what was on my mind later in the evening after i was at the dentist, as i was on the phone with a call centre in india, half my face frozen, having an ugly cry because i didn't know the difference between a modem and a router.  but the nice, young fellow on the phone wasn't bothered and sorted my internets while i felt sorry for myself.  but i bet that if he were located in canada, working at midnight, and having to put up with a whiney mess like me, he would not have been nearly as patient!

dear john. the movie, not my life

let me give you the synopsis of the movie.

girl meets soldier.  soldier has a past.  girl falls in love with soldier.  soldier is on his way out of the army.  girl waits 12 months.  soldier is posted to somewhere in africa.  soldier is offered a professional opportunity of a military career.  soldier takes it and doesn't tell the girl.  eventually, as you can expect, they break up.

sound familiar?  it should.

i don't know what it means to be 'over' someone or something, but i do know that if i was given the same information and the options, i would likely make the same decision that i did.

and that could potentially get me in the same situation that i initially found myself in 18 months ago.  and it would  mean i would have to go through the same hell that i did to get to where i am now.

but i would still do it.  i haven't given up.  and if the least that came of it is simply one of the best stories you can ever tell your grandkids, well i certainly have that!

you might want to see the movie.  or maybe one day i will write my own.  you'll probably want to see that one too!

poor bkk

my triumphant return to the workplace was not nearly as bad as i had anticipated (it never is when you have great supervisors) and although my plate will be full, i am a linchpin in the workings of our department now and it feels good to be valued and appreciated.  but not so good to be needed when you are gone...

and it seems that i left bangkok at just the right time.  after leaving hanoi, i had a day to kill in bangkok and i was initally really excited about visiting some of my favourite shopping districts and wandering the crowded streets of one of my favourite cities.

instead, i had to avoid some of the best spots in bangkok and headed to the area where my favourite silver bracelets are sold (more than a few to me or my friends on my behalf!), but even in the areas further away from the red shirt protests, about every fourth shop was closed and the people i spoke to said that with the closure of public transit systems and the drop in movements of all kinds of people, businesses were suffering and the economy had gradually slowed down over the past two months.

i was tempted to check out the main red shirt protest site outside of siam paragon, but read the english daily and found out that foreigners had been shot in the chaos that had emerged this past week.  often, no one knew who was shooting and what their targets were, so it was easy to get caught in crossfire.  in fact, a former calgarian was shot yesterday.  i decided i liked all my bits too much to risk them for a voyeuristic impulse and instead went for a manicure and pedicure and then met a friend for a delicious dinner in a suburban neighbourhood.

it makes me sad to see such a vibrant city so quiet and to hear the concerns of the taxis drivers and shop owners that i chatted with during my one day in bangkok.  i still don't fully understand the ins and outs of the political situation, but i don't believe that this protest has been in the interests of thai people and it will have done more harm than good when the government regains control of the city.

i just hope that that is soon.

easing back into it

before i even begin to talk about the wonderful trip i just returned from (and try to gloss over the horrendous flight delays, cancellations, and airlines i had to contend with to get back home), i thought i would do a relatively easy review of a few books i read on my trip that i must discuss (have i mentioned i need a book club to join?!).

Two Lives (Vikram Seth)
i had seen this book before and perhaps i didn't attempt it as i didn't get even halfway through the author's A Suitable Boy (which i know some people have raved about), but i picked it up in the dublin airport in case i made it through the other books i had with me and it is a good thing i did.  in my time at airports and hotels alone i finished all 500 pages of this beauty and i wholeheartedly recommend it.

the story is a true one and covers the relationship between a young indian man and his future german bride, all the way from when they both must leave germany before the first world war to his stint in the british army to her tracing of her jewish family's fate to the life they rebuild in england and his dental practice (with one arm!) and their relationship with numerous friends and family.

i was mesmerised with this book and gobbled it up.  i loved the transcription of letters that were written between all the 'characters' in the book and it made me think that it truly is a lost art.  the language that was used, the honesty with which they spoke to one another, and the incredible subject matter that they were required to discuss.  imagine writing to your friends about the nazis, the holocaust, the fate of your sister and mother, the betrayal of friends, and the state of post war europe in your own handwriting and language.

this seemed like such a rare story, the interracial and interreligious relationship between two people in the first half of the century and yet, as you read it, it makes perfect sense.  i sincerely insist that you pick this book up, a great way to learn more about our shared history, love, and why it is important to know where we come from.  fantastic.

The Good Mayor (Andrew Nicoll)
i finished this book begrudingly.  i didn't much care for the characters or their decisions and wasn't really sure where the 'love' in this love story was to be found.  i had to find out what happened though, so i finished it.  in the fictional town of dot, there are things like lust, obsession, and abuse, but not much love as far as i was concerned.

i have never been one for fable-like stories and this seemed one of those, something not entirely believable and not deep enough to really have a sense for who the characters were or what their intentions were.  so i was a bit disconnected throughout.

i read it, but i wouldn't recommend it.  not when there are so many fantastic books out there!

Something to Tell You (Hanif Kureishi)
after watching an interview with Kureishi, i picked up his book having never read anything he had written and not knowing what to expect. well, was i ever in for a whirlwind!

the story is largely about the search for pleasure (or at least that is what i took away from it).  it takes places in london and london is a character unto itself in the story (which is something i always love).  the main character seems to be at a crossroads that he never expected and is looking backwards and forwards to find out how to tie his loose ends while at the same time searching for something that will make him feel 'good.'  as you would expect, where he expects to find pleasure and contentment is not where he manages to find it and the twists and turns in the story are taken by the the main character, a psychoanalyst, in stride as they parallel the same search that is going on by those around him.

i am really not sure how i feel about this book apart from it really made me think and the characters are still alive within my mind.  and yet, did i enjoy it?  not particularly.  i liked the story, but i didn't like the experiences of the characters or what they were searching for.  and yet, it brings to light the fact that when anyone is seeking pleasure (and everyone does) that what they find often looks a lot more like pain, emotional or physical, but sometimes that is exactly as it should be.  and perhaps that is why i was uncomfortable with the story at times, because it was real.

i know i will be thinking of this novel for a long while, so in the meantime, if i have not done it justice, check out some other reviews at the guardian and the independent.  and if you wouldn't mind, could you please read this book so we can discuss it?!

and in this research, i found out that Kureishi and i went to the same uni in england!

i want a burt

i have had a rather melancholy week. it could be due to the grey, miserable weather. it could be because of poor drug compliance. or it could be blamed on that awful dream i had earlier this week.

i do know that a large part of my mood has been related to a bit of loneliness. and not because i moved out of my family's house or that i now live alone, but more that i wish i had someone with who i could share my sunday afternoons or to negotiate thanksgiving dinners with. all other parts of my life are pretty fantastic and i just feel like i have more to offer.

and friday evenings at walmart would be a lot more enjoyable if i had a partner in crime, surely.

i was running around nesting again this evening (i spend all my free time putting together furniture, shopping, and rearranging things lately) and came home and felt like a movie. luckily, there was something i had wanted to see on shaw on demand and i ordered Away We Go, cracked open a bottle of wine, and got my tool box out to assemble an end table.

i loved this movie. loved. i am not surprised when you consider that Sam Mendes directed it, Dave Eggers wrote it, Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski star in it, Catherine O'Hara and Jeff Daniels make appearances in it, or that Alexi Murdoch sings in it. and perhaps i loved it even more because it was just what i needed after this past week, a story of regular love that, although punctuated with some sadness, was essentially positive.

if you haven't seen it already, i would suggest that you do. i loved the way that the couple in the film treated one another, spoke to one another, and were in it together, even if they were still trying to figure out what 'it' was. they felt like a team and i loved the dry humour that poked you in the nose every now and again as well as how they dismissed much of the images of perfect families or of the self righteous who seem to know not only what 'it' is, but how exactly to go about 'it.'

the music is great too and i am now listening to the soundtrack that i've also downloaded. now all that is missing is my very own burt.

poor dieter

first, back on august long weekend, someone in sicamose with much too much anger inside of them decided it would be a great idea in the middle of a sweltering afternoon outside of a grocery store to put their lit cigarette out on dieter's hood. not the metal part of the hood, but the plastic bit where the windshield wipers come out, leaving a small burn hole and their nasty cigarette butt.

then, when i was nearly back in town after a weekend trip to edmonton, a rock caught the corner of dieter's windshield, leaving a small crack that i quickly had repaired by the lovely people at speedy auto glass. they warned me that in about 10% of cases, the crack will spread after they repair it, essentially making a small problem worse and it was just dieter's luck that this is precisely what happened to him. so now there is a crack that sweeps around to the edge of the windshield, but at least it is outside of my line of vision when i drive.

and then (and then!) last night after driving back from a weekend at the cabin (in a dieter that has never been dirtier thanks to a rain shower and extremely dusty roads), i noticed that someone has taken a key to his passenger side! i am not sure exactly how you repair a key scratch, of if you can (any ideas or suggestions?!), but what is wrong with people who would do that to someone else's property? that is all i can think of. and, of course, how i feel badly for not taking proper care of dieter, although i suppose there isn't much that i could have done and i have been driving him around town a lot lately to carry out my nesting.

a sad day in the golden state

i had really hoped that if, during my trip to san francisco next week, i met a lovely woman who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, i could have a quickie marriage on the shores of the bay. but that dream was dashed when the california high court upheld the ban on same-sex marriage yesterday.

there are few issues that i see as black and white and this is one of them. i have yet to hear any argument that can even begin to convince me that two consenting adults who love one another do not have the right to marry based on their gender.

and like gloria says, anyone who believes that women's rights are not intimately linked to gay rights is sorely mistaken. any time our ability to procreate is linked to the rights we enjoy, we are taking a step back not only for gay men and women who wish to marry, but to women everywhere.

things i have learned recently

• nest shopping is FUN (although i suspect it will get stressful when decisions must be made)
• when i don't run, i really miss it (and it's only been 5 days)
• dairy queen blizzards continue to rot my insides (that was just a confirmation)
• eharmonising is FUN
• if you back into a parking stall at the calgary transit stations, the park plus ticketing system can't get you
• my sister gave me a day at the spa for my birthday and i had forgotten until i tidied my room and found the card, she's the best!
• all my years of defending canada as not being as cold as people assume it is was all for naught as it is bloody cold and i am sick of having to brings scarves with me to cut the chill
• i didn't love the book Mister Pip by Lloyd Jones, i felt it was rather sad and i am not sure if that was my own mood reflecting on the story or the story reflecting on my mood
• opi's nail envy really works. pricey, but effective at strengthening your nails and preventing them from cracking or breaking

acknowledgement that i will never understand

almost exclusively, i take the train to work. sometimes, i am annoyed by other people's conversations or i feel my personal space is being violated, but i generally enjoy the time to reflect, read my book, or sip my coffee.

this morning, however, i drove in to work because i have a meeting later today that i must drive to. there i was, thinking i would have an easier commute down crowchild trail when i saw a truck that seemed to be promoting alberta beef or some other meat product.

it wasn't until i was driving right beside it that i realised that it was covered in photos of aborted fetuses and was advertising the website unmaskingchoice.ca. it instantly made me upset that something so graphic would be driving down the street in rush hour and that the images are meant to be gruesome and disturbing.

the reason i was so upset by the photos isn't because they made me feel ill or question my belief in a woman's right to choose, but because i thought of those women who have chosen to have abortions or those men whose partners have had abortions or even pregnancies that were miscarried and i felt sad that those people would have to be faced with that on their city streets. to me, it seemed the photos were intended to make those people feel like murderers. and yet abortion is not a crime and it is an accepted and regulated medical procedure.

i looked at their website and my distaste for this vehicle was heightened because not only is one of the founders motivated by his christian values, which to me seem incongruous with my understanding of the christian ideals of acceptance, tolerance, and love for all people. but, they call this shock marketing 'the genocide awareness project.'

i may not be able to speak to the christian debate with much authority or knowledge, but i can make a comment on the misuse of the word 'genocide' and feel pretty confident in my argument. a genocide is the intentional decimation of a specific ethnic group or nationality. it is not the same as mass murder (assuming that is what the anti-abortion organisation intended) and by using the word genocide, i think it perpetuates the misconception of what a genocide truly is and when the word should be used.

unfortunately, the word is not used by our politicians and leaders when it should be (i.e. darfur), but i think it should also be reserved for the gravity of that specific crime and not thrown around to describe an activity, that whether or not you agree with it, is not a crime in canada.

the logical reaction to my argument would be that in canada, we value free speech and have it legislated in our charter of rights and freedoms. i suppose my thinking here is not that the truck should not have been allowed to drive down a busy road, but that why would the people driving it want to make other people feel badly about decisions they might have made?

i feel the same way about the campus pro life group at the university of calgary that is currently in a battle with the uni about having their freedom of speech muffled - i agree with them that just because i don't agree their message, they still have to right to speak it, but i still will not understand why you'd want to hurt other people and i know that these groups would never agree that inflicting harm is not their intention, but i suspect that that happens more often than they change people's opinions on abortion.

clearing the funk

i ran 10km today. which is one of the longest runs i have had in a year. it was pretty wicked. and the thing that kept me going was my awesome new playlist entitled eight for twenty eight. the songs below all make an appearance.

when you are the bottom of a hill nearly 1km long and you hear the first notes of ladysmith black mombazo, somehow you know you can do it.

Take This Waltz - Adam Cohen
The River - Anathallo
Smiling Underneath - Ani DiFranco
Deadlines - Arkells
Sometimes - Ayo
Leopard-Skin-Pill-Box Hat - Beck
Float On - Ben Lee
Sex Without Love - Ben Lee
Hiding My Heart - Brandi Carlile
If I Fall Behind - Bruce Springsteen
MGM Grand - Caroline Herring
The Expert - The Champion and His Burning Flame
To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra
Home In The Woods - Cory Chisel and the Wandering Sons
World We Know - Crash Parallel
Stole - Dashboard Confessional
Willis Avenue Bridge - David Berkeley
Quiet Times - Dido
Running to Stand Still - Elbow
That Sinking Feeling - Emma-Lee
Love, Save the Empty - Erin McCarley
Gotta Figure This Out - Erin McCarley
Sunlight - Esperanza Spalding
Falling or Flying - Grace Potter and the Nocturals
How the Day Sounds - Greg Laswell
Fee Da Da Dee - The Guggenheim Grotto
Can't Help Falling in Love - Ingrid Michaelson
The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson
Parachutes - Jenn Grant
Cathedrals - Joan Osborne
Through & Through & Through - Joel Plaskett
Sun Comes Up - John Legend
Wildfires - Josh Ritter
One of Those Days - Joshua Radin
Asking for Flowers - Kathleen Edwards
Buffalo - Kathleen Edwards
Victoria - The Kooks
Straight to Hell - Lily Allen
Never Said - Liz Phair
Charlie Darwin - The Low Anthem
Daylight - Matt & Kim
Never Again - The Midway State
Where I Stood - Missy Higgins
Here it Goes Again (UK Surf) - Ok Go
The Great Escape - Patrick Watson
All the Things You Never Wanted - Peirson Ross
Never Bloom Again - The Perishers
With the Notes in My Ears - Peter Broderick
Bye Bye Bye - Plants and Animals
Drifting Further Away - Powderfinger
Duet - Rachael Yamagata
Winter Birds - Ray LaMontagne
Why Can't it be Christmas All Year - Rosie Thomas
Gravity - Sara Bareilles
Homeless - Sarah McLachlan & Ladysmith Black Mombazo
Before the Worst - The Script
These Quiet Times - Shady Bard
Treeology - Shady Bard
Mistaken Identity - Steve Reynolds
Being Here - The Stills
No Time To Sleep - Tina Dico
Imparable - Tommy Torres
Heroes - TV On the Radio
Heroes of the Sidewalk - Two Hours Traffic
Letting Go - Waiting for Iris
Room With The Sir John A. View - Weeping Tile

Brett Dennen's entire cd Hope for the Hopeless

i am always on the lookout for new music, so i hope this list inspires you. many of the songs will make you feel as though you want to slit your wrists, which is just how i like my music - sad, sad, sad.

on the brink of collapse or already collapsed

i read a headline in today's calgary herald that said the president of somalia is concerned the country is on the brink of collapse. i thought, brink? it collapsed 17 years ago and has been chaotic ever since:

• kidnappings and killings of foreigners have become increasingly common
• there are regular pirate hijackings off the coast of somalia and kenya
• there has not been an effective government since the overthrow of siad barre in 1991
• somalia is oft cited by academics as a prime example of a failed state
• the refugee camps in kenya are overflowing with the numbers of somalis fleeing the humanitarian crisis in their country
• recent suicide bombings in mogadishu and hargeisa have forced the un to shut down many of its operations and international staff have been pulled out (including friends of mine who were doing some pretty phenomenal stuff)

the snipit of the article i saw said that somalia was crumbling, but the reality is that the transitional federal government that has been more or less governing somalia and trying to sort out the many and varied problems in the country is now being taken over by islamists, leaving those who have tried to govern powerless.

i am not sure why i am writing about it now, but it is difficult to read those stories after working closely with refugees, the somali community in nairobi, and having just finished the book Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali.

i would imagine that the logical response to this post or to hearing the stories of humanitarian catastrophe in somalia would be 'what can i do?' or ' what can be done?' i do not claim to be an expert in international humanitarianism or international development (or of failed states or the horn of africa, for that matter), but i think these news stories are so devastating because i really do not think that anything can be done until the rest of the world starts caring and forces somalia to sort out its chaos. the idea of forcing another country to take a new direction against its leaders' will or ability is generally against all of my opinions on international development, but isn't 17 years enough? it needs to be sorted out and it seems that those with any power in somalia are unable to do it. chaos, indeed.

current jim obsession

(january 11, 2008)

Pull Me Through

there’s paper scattered on the lawn
birds up on the line
there’s letters left unopened here
there never is the time
there’s messages i should return
and people i should call
i’m still tripping over echoes left lying in the hall
there’s light comes through the darkness slowly to my eyes
you can fall back here forever
i just never realised
oh time won’t let me go
and every night i know
that you could pull me though
you could always pull me through
even when i’m lying heredrowning in my blues
you take the sting out of the rain
and bring the sun back up again
you could always pull me through
oh we stood outside together
and we laughed like ancient friends
then we lay down in a field
just where the road begins and ends
well i see you in the mirror
and i watch you from afar
my friends all think i’m crazy
but i know the way things are
outside i hear voices underneath the moon
but i’m faithful for whatever breaks the silence of this room
oh time won’t let me go
and every night i know
that you could pull me through
you could always pull me through
even when i’m lying here
drowning in my blues
you take the sting out of the rain
and bring the sun back up again
darling, you could always pull me through
i hope you’re travelling well now
and there are stars over your head
i hope the river carries you everywhere you said
well i miss the way you look at me
the way you wear your hair
i miss the conversations we left hanging in the air
oh late at night i wake up, wonder what’s been done
but i know our life together will go on and on
you could pull me through
you could always pull me through
wrapped your arms around me
and chase away my blues
you take the sting out of the rain
and bring the sun back up again
and you could always pull me through
you could always pull me through

it’s devastatingly sad, but i just can’t get enough.

crikey

i kind of can't believe that the crocodile hunter died.

lazy days of summer

i had a massage today and it ranks among the best massages i have ever had. but one problem - it made me so relaxed that i didn't feel like doing much the rest of they day. so i have read a few pages of an article and watched the england/sweden game of the world cup, picked my sister up from work, cut some beans for dinner, and made some tea. and that would really be the extent of my day, how sad.

2 lessons

i learned two things today.

#1 - holding on to your pride isn't going to help you when you need it.

#2 - keeping your sense of humour makes things easier for yourself and others.

i can thank my gramps for these lessons. why do we pay more attention when we know that there is an end?

too old to just break free and run

saddest or most hopeful song ever? i think it depends on your own perspective. i've been listening to it a lot lately.

Lover, You Should Have Come Over - Jeff Buckley

Looking out the door
I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
As their shoes fill up with water

Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you're on my mind so
You never know

Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, you know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away,
When he feels like he should be having his fun
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no-one...

So I'll wait for you...And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
Oh, Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late.

Lonely is the room the bed is made
The open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one
Who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep
That won't ever come
It's never over,
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over,
All my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...
It's never over,
All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter...
It's never over,She's a tear that hangs inside my soul forever...

Well, but maybe I'm just too young to keep good love
From going wrong
Oh... lover you should've come over...

Yes, and I feel too young to hold on
I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind
To see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love, well I'll wait for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late.

wooly reminder

i found myself today. i am not sure exactly where i had gone, but i was feeling disconnected and even though everything is going really well here with my course and people, i think i needed to remind myself of a few things.

i managed to do this while walking through the hills with a good friend, passing through flocks of sheep and enjoying the view. it was so clear you could see right to the bay. i sometimes forget i am so close to the ocean. this prairie girl isn't used to it!

this past week i have been having the saddest dreams. not nightmares or bad dreams, just sad. and about home. i am still not sure exactly why but i know that being outside today and having such great conversation helped me deal with whatever was causing those dreams.

i went to a village today that had a cafe, a post office, a phone booth, and a bridge. i am a city girl at heart, but i can never be too far away from that pace of life either.

my sister sent me this quote, i think it seems to sum up my sentiment as of late:

Whatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way. Why, when a housefly flaps his wings, a breeze goes round the world; when a speck of dust falls to the ground, the entire planet weighs a little more; and when you stamp your foot, the earth moves slightly off its course. Whenever you laugh, gladness spreads like the ripples in a pond; and whenever you're sad, no one anywhere can be really happy. And it's much the same thing with knowledge, for whenever you learn something new, the whole world becomes that much richer.

Norton Juster, "The Phantom Tollbooth"

circle of friends

our kitchen is effectively christmas-ised and looks really warm and cozy. we had such a great time decorating and it was nice to spend time with the girls from my flat, including our honourary flatmate!

the christmas party was a success and i hope that it did a little to get all our guests into the spirit.

good thing my ani difranco cd arrived today. just the kind of music i am in need of today. and you know it is never good when you need ani.

like all the others, this too shall pass.