um, hi

so, it's been awhile.

not quite sure why, really.  i just didn't have it in me to write and i was generally sick of listening to myself go on about 'i don't know what i should be doing,' 'i wish i knew what to do with my life,' or 'i sure hope i figure out the next step soon.'

now, i wouldn't say that i have quite figured out the answers to any of those questions, but i have made a pact to write twice a week.

and well, i am moving to liberia without a job, so i have this suspicion that i might have extra time on my hands for doing things like writing.

this return to the blogging world means that i will also be reading more blogs too, which i am equally as excited about!

getting serious?

not sure what my globe and mail horoscope refers to, apart from the person i am semi-stalking on twitter!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):

You seem unable to decide whether to get serious about a relationship or whether to keep it at arm’s length. You will have to decide one way or the other by the end of the week, but for now just keep thinking.

wherein i use a few caps

ever since i woke up on january 1, 2011, i have felt a change a'coming.  i have no idea what it will be nor when it will come, but i feel ready for it.

going to new york inspired me to get my arse in gear to get out into the world again and find something else to to for a little while.  to not be afraid to leave the comforts of my home town again and to explore a little more, knowing that there is a whole lot of awesome to come home to anytime i choose.  the beauty of an economy fuelled by a commodity-driven industry that is on the up once again, i suppose.

i cleaned out my closets, giving away a bunch of stuff and consigning some others (wherein i chose not to consign my clothes at one shop because they give all the unsold merchandise to an 'orphanage in africa' and couldn't answer me which of the 50+ countries they were referring to nor why they made the orphanage pay for the shipping of the clothes to their magical unnamable part of the continent).  i updated my vaccines, passing out in the process, so that if i feed the urge to up and leave to a yellow feverish place, i will be covered (in fact, the reason i am up right now, even though it is midnight and i have a week full of early morning and it is the day of the year that daylight savings kicks your ass is because i forgot i have to take a live typhoid vaccine on an empty stomach and well, my stomach is not empty.

i have also decided to give up impatience and self doubt for lent.  yes, i know this is not in the typical spirit of lent, but i needed a time frame and well, it was conveniently timely (is saying conveniently timely redundant??).  i am reminding myself that everything has worked out thus far and will continue to do so, in a time frame that is never going to end or stop and as i have always said, there is no finish line and the whole success is not a destination thing (i think you can find some lame quote from me on the interwebs about that, actually).

i am trying to remember that an opportunity will come my way.  no sense in worrying or fretting that time is passing me by (I AM GETTING OLDER, OH MY GOD, I AM BEHIND... you get the idea).  if the past two years are any indication, opportunities find me and i do my best to put myself right in their path as best i can.  i feel as though i have done that now and so now i just wait.

but waiting is not so bad.  last week i braved the -20* temperatures and went to the joshua radin, cary brothers, laura jansen show and it was amazing.  as i said on twitter, it made me want to fall in love and break up again and again.  well, not really, but they sure did make it sound poetic and romantic and wonderful and heart wrenching.  and a concert at the former silver dollar action centre?  not so bad, especially if you like a little greasy pizza with your handsome singer/songwriters.

i followed that up with so many pints, breakfasts, coffees, and dinners with so many inspiring, intelligent, and hilarious people this past week that i was pleasantly reminded that i am surrounded by a community of people and i have a few greatest fans out there, which is always a nice boost to the confidence.

oh, and i ate at boxwood, which was a chorizon/polenta delight, had breakfast at wake in kensington, where they brew a strong cup of coffee and make mean eggs benedict, and had a perfectly poured latte at vendome cafe.  so if you are in the city, go try those newcomers to the ever expanding culinary/coffeehouse scene around these parts.

a little stuffed, but doing well otherwise

how was 2011 been for you?

i have only one thing to complain about so far.  and it is this damn cold that i can't seem to shake.  it began in my sinuses, moved to my chest before christmas where it stole my voice and turned me into someone who sounded like they'd worked in a smoking lounge for 30 years, and now it is back to my sinuses and my head.  maybe it is a new cold (not sure how exactly this medical science thing works when it comes to cold viruses) or if it just won't leave, but it sure is frustrating.  a lot of sneezing, a lot of congestion, and not a lot of drainage.

other than this damn cold, i am enjoying 2011 so far.  i woke up on new years morning with an email saying that i have been selected to attend training in new york city on gender based violence programming and coordination in emergencies and i am really looking forward to learning more about the field, meeting some interesting people, and exploring the big apple for the first time.

and, as always, i am hoping that some sort oracle emerges to tell me what i should doing with my life, where i should live, and what i want to be when i grow up.  hopefully this training and this trip will help me do that.  but the idea that i have something on the professional and personal agenda is enough to tie me over at the moment

oh yeah, and it will also be a good way to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday!

'tis the season of red cups, party dresses, baking days, and the peanuts christmas special

so what's going on with me lately?

i seem to have my life under control.  i was seriously debating hosting a christmas (or non-denominational seasonally festive, if you prefer) party, but have decided against it because i am just now feeling as though i am on top of my life for the first time in a few months.  it feels good.

instead, i think i will host myself a birthday party.  because i am turning 30 in february and they tell me that this is one of those milestone birthdays and i haven't had one of those in awhile.

work (x2) is going surprisingly well.  i thought i would be drowning in tasks and to do lists, but i am keeping my head above water, if only just.  the energy and recognition i have received since the avenue top 40 under 40 was released has kept me motivated and moving forward and i am hoping i can ride that momentum out as much as possible.

my volunteers are no longer zapping me of all my spirit and i am finding the language to flip their assumptions and misconceptions on their heads without being offensive.  i am asked to host, present, and attend various events and i am now picking and choosing which ones i attend rather than just saying yes.

for instance, i get to have lunch with calgary's new mayor tomorrow!  well, me and a bunch of other people, but i am still looking forward to it.  but i haven't figured out what i will wear.  and this seems like a rather important decision to make.

overall, my attitude is positive, my outlook is optimistic, and i am looking forward to some exciting things to celebrate the holiday season: the annual girls' christmas baking day, family traditions, an invitation to a christmas party where i can wear betsey again, and hopefully some downtime at the cabin.

amongst all this good stuff, i am trying not to feel as though i am not doing enough (whatever enough is), not to stress about what my next steps are, or about the seeming lack of any available, interesting, and intriguing men in my path!  but that is a post and line of thinking for another post and another day.

29+6

i am affectionately referring to this past month as the beginning of the home stretch.  29 has not been my favourite year so far and although i have faith that it is going to clean up its act for these last months, i am still looking forward to saying adios to my 20s and with it, the deceptive 29.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this goal has become almost boring!  i haven't really figured how exactly how not to feel anxious and it normally pops up (as it always has) when i am in new social situations and have to make conversation, but all i can think of is 'say something, say something, try and relate, try and relate, say something, something, anything.'

there were certainly a few of those moments this past month.  one where i solved (?!) the problem by drinking wine and then some more wine.  i think i followed that up with a ceasar and then maybe, a beer.  as you can imagine, this was not exactly the solution i should have been looking for and i ended up that girl without her shoes on, barefoot on the side of a busy road while her date hails a cab.  pretty much, my finest moment of 29...

but i find that getting enough sleep and connecting with people who are also struggling with a sense of identity, purpose, and belonging helps a lot in the anxiety battle department.  and reminding myself that even if nothing seems to make sense right now, there is probably something a-brewing that will materialise shortly.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  still ok.  still not fantastic.  but working on it.  in fact, i bought cards and gifts for upcoming events.  so there.  but still a distance to go to win this one.  sadly, i have been so self-absorbed in my funk i don't think i have given this goal enough of my energies.  lame.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  my plane ticket to cape town is booked and paid for!  sadly, the visits i was looking forward to where friends from my past, international life were going to be stopping into the yyc were dashed and i am still longing for trips to cities in eastern canada and the us, but i must be realistic and acknowledge that they likely won't happen during 29.

but 30 looks like it might have a trip in store for me.  a 30th celebration trip, in fact.  a 30th celebration trip with my best friend.  but the details are yet to be worked out.  just a daydream at this time.

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  errr...  i could sum up a lot of my frustrations over the past few weeks and months by struggling to come to any sort of answer on this one.  so far i have got as far as 'i don't want to be doing what i am doing for too much longer.'  and i guess knowing that is better than not.  but still, is it so hard to know what you want to be when you grow up?!

although it has been a constant thought on my mind, in the past few days i have felt closer to knowing.  nothing yet to divulge to the universe (and it isn't even clear enough in my own head to attempt to put down in coherent sentences yet), but somehow, someway, i am finding clarity around what i want to be doing in a year's time.

these past two years working in the private sector have been wonderful experience and i now see a career path that i didn't even know existed previously.  i don't see exactly how it twists and turns or where it leads, but i was recently asked what advice i would give to someone who would like to be where i am now and my answer?  to allow the path to take you where it will and to always be flexible, accept challenges, and figure out the details later.

perhaps it is time to take my own advice (um, hello?!  are you so blind?!  this seems rather obvious!) so that is how i am approaching the second half of 29.  a little faith, more hard work, and confidence in the journey.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  eesh.  that is all i have.  not an i-can't-pay-my-mortgage eesh, but just an eesh.  maybe an i-could-really-use-a-budget eesh or even an can-i-pay-someone-to-get-handle-on-incoming-and-outgoing-cash eesh, but certainly no where near an i-am-irresponsible-with-money eesh.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  this slow cooker is doing wonders for my nutrition!  i eat at home more often and have meals full of vegetables (and meat, because it turns out that a lot of slow cooker recipes call for meat...).

but i did have chocolate cake and coffee for dinner this evening...  and because i ate a lot of lacklustre, light weight, dehydrated meals on my hike on vancouver island, i have been 'rewarding' myself with my guilty pleasure of cheeseburgers more often than is healthy.

i feel as though with the changing of the seasons and the impending cool down of autumn, i will be in my kitchen and entertaining more often meaning i will be eating well and sharing food with family and friends.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  i have really been enjoying my sleeps lately, which is so important as there is nothing better than being out on a saturday night and just looking forward to coming home, crawling into bed, and doozing off knowing no alarm will be waking you.  and in the morning, when i am not exhausted and can get up and at 'em instead of needing a few extra minutes (about 10 times) because i don't wake up rested on a sunday morning because i have been overtired all week is a triumph.

clean sheets, a hot bath (with epson salts courtesy of my mama), and a good book has been just the ticket.  and much needed as i have overcome some rather trying days at my day job in the past few weeks.

8 - maintain my priorities.  really, this should just be all the previous goals wrapped into one.  if i could stay on top of all the last 7, then this one would come naturally.  unfortunately, that wasn't really the case this past month.  and part of it was because i was absolutely tuckered right out at the end of a work day that i didn't want to do anything afterwards and that included doing fun things or social things or educational things.  so i became sort of boring and lazy.  but i have had some lovely, low-key weekends (both at the cabin and in the city) and i managed to refocus and am rounding out the month on a high.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  come to think of it, i haven't asked for too much this month.  thrown a few more job applications into the mix and sent some good vibes to the universe, but haven't articulated exactly what i want.  but part of that is because i am not exactly sure that i know.  or i haven't had the confidence to state what i want.  but i am getting there and once i do, i might just come knocking on your door with a request.