11 randoms

i just realized that i was tagged by kristen at inspired by dooce and it is perfect timing as i am sitting in a hotel lobby in accra waiting for a driver to collect me to transfer to another hotel (because as much as i love Villa Monticello where i have spent the last two nights, it is a bit pricey for me to stay for the next 3 nights i have in ghana and this was a birthday gift, a most wonderful birthday gift!)


i am not going to tag other people because as a Bad Blogger, it would be a bit rude of me to expect others to complete this, but i love lists, i love reading random things about other people, and i like answering them.  so if you do answer any of kristen's (or nicole's, who i don't even know) questions, leave a link as i'd love to read them!


11 Random Things about Me
 1. i have really big feet for being only 5'2"
2. my sneezes are loud.  so loud that people often comment on them.
3. i love taking long haul flights alone, i find it is a great time to think, catch up on reading, listen to music, be alone.  i hope they never introduce wireless to the flights i take as i think it would ruin it for me as i like being disconnected.
4. i live with a general level of anxiety that would probably surprise most people.
5. i am not very good at watching tv, i have to be doing something else at the same time, reading a magazine, looking at the internet, or talking (which apparently annoys some people!).
6. i love running outdoors, but sometimes struggle to motivate myself to do it.  but i don't like running races as there are too many people and too much pressure for me (which could be linked to #4 above).
7. i live in monrovia, the capital city of liberia.  i suppose that isn't too random to most people that i know as i have been here for 4 months now, but i suppose it could be considered random because what is a canadian girl doing living in a small west african country??  i moved here to live with my boyfriend is the answer. 
8. i don't know what i want to be when i grow up and i wonder if i will ever know.  instead of trying to figure it out, i think i will try and focus on accepting it and seeing it as a positive rather than a negative.
9. i would like to do a phd one day.  and recently, i may have come up with an idea for a research topic.
10. i went on a solo vacation to spain about 7 months ago to figure out my life.  apparently that meant starting a relationship with someone i already knew who came from the uk for a mini break and moving to liberia a few months later.
11. i have spent 4 birthdays and 3 christmases in africa. 


Nicole's Questions
1. How many languages do you speak? What are they?
english and spanish and that could likely use some refreshing.  i wish i spoke french and have tried to learn it, but never consistently and regularly.

2. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
the side that is closest to the wall currently, but if i had it my way, i would sleep diagonally and take up the entire bed with 4 pillows arranged in a 'v' around my head.  yes, i have given this some thought and have developed a system that i prefer.

3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
i would like to think a bit of both.  i like to get a start on my day, but i also love sleeping until about 9 if i can.  i tend to be rather productive in the evenings if i am not too tired from waking up too early.  what i do know is that i need my sleep so if i am up early, i am down early and vice versa.

4. What's your biggest time waster?
the internet and tv when i have it


5. Mac or PC?
mac. i converted about a year and a half ago and love it (and my ipad and iphone!)


6. Can you drive a standard transmission car?
you bet and i have never owned a car that wasn't manual, i prefer it.


7. Where did you go on your last trip?
i am on right now in accra, ghana.  and before this one, it was to dar es salaam, tanzania.


8. What's your favourite game (board or video)?
i like all board games that i have played (but i have 2 rules when playing: if you are not playing the game (mom!) then don't help anyone playing and if you start a game, you should finish it!), but i really like scrabble and anything that involves groups of people and lots of laughs.


9. Did you play any sports growing up?
when i was wee, i played soccer then i figure skated.


10. What's your favourite number and why?
22 and i am not sure why.  i like things that are even and i like that 22 divided is 11 and 1 + 1 = 2 and so on.


11. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
i would like to live in london, bangkok, cape town, berlin, dar es salaam, nairobi...  i think the more interesting part is where i will end up living in a year's time.



Kristen's Questions
1- When you're in a job interview, what do you use as your "weakness"? (you know, the weakness that you can turn into a positive somehow)
i don't like to delegate things to other people and i like to have control over all aspects of the work that i am involved in.  to be honest, i am not sure i would ever phrase it like that in a job interview, but if i did, i would say that it is because i have high expectations that my work will be delivered to a high standard of quality and on time.

2- What is your favourite food?
i am not sure.  i love macaroni and canned tomatoes because it is a comfort food from when i was kid, same with a roast beef dinner.  i would like to say that i have a favourite food place and that is san sebastian, spain. so if something can come with the quality and deliciousness of san sebastian, i will love it.

3- Why did you start blogging?
i was living in the uk studying my masters degree and it was a good way to keep in touch with friends and family back home without sending out the mass emails that were all about me, which is obnoxious.  i guess a blog is somewhere people can visit to see what i am up to.

4- If you could go anywhere on vacation, where would you go?
i've always wanted to visit brazil, argentina, and india.

5- If you're a runner, biker, triathlete, or any other sort of racer, what race is tops on your bucket list?
i don't like races.

6- What is your dream job? (pretending that it pays well)
ha, i answered the question above about how i don't know what i want to be when i grow up.  but i would like to be a professor or an advisor to a private company or a donor on how to spend their money and which projects are worth supporting.

7- Who is your celebrity crush?
apart from David Suzuki in his younger years?!  i think that Mike Rowe, Gabriel Garcia Bernal, Hugh Jackman, and Taye Diggs are all quite dreamy.

8- Did you or do you play an instrument?
no, but i think the drums could be fun.

9- What is your favourite "guilty pleasure" movie? (you know, the one that you like to pretend you didn't love)
Love Actually and i watch it every christmas!  i just can't get enough.

10- If you had to pick a last meal, what would you pick?
macaroni and tomatoes

11- Ben and Jerry's or Haagen Dazs?
neither as ice cream gives me a stomach ache (coincidentally, this is also the google search that leads to this blog most often so i am obviously not alone)

back to the working world

a week and a half into working at least 10 hours a day and i am reminded of how tiring working can be.  this past thursday, i just came home and flopped on to the couch at the end of the day before peeling myself off and heading out to the pool for a beer with some compoundmates.

but in this short period of time, i have already had some rather interesting experiences, including:

• government meetings that open with prayers and close with benedictions (and who ask for volunteers to lead these things, where i ducked my head and avoided eye contact).
• people repeating the phrase 'we must spread the message to avoid the dangers of human trafficking,' which is just wrong.  and not going to be effective in achieving anything.
• my new colleagues brought in warm tarts and gave me a gift wrapped go mug on my birthday, neither of which i was expecting and was a lovely surprise.
• a meeting where someone used latin to prove their point.  then they had to translate the phrase so the rest of the people understood.  lame.
• working in an office building that sometimes has running water and sometimes does not.
• a few peanut butter and jam sandwiches for lunch and the idea that if someone started a sandwich delivery service, they would have a market completely untapped.
• there have been no less than 4 reports on the state of orphanages in liberia done in the last few years.  they all say the same thing: illegal international adoptions, majority of children in orphanages have living parents or relatives, substandard conditions, many are unlicensed and unregulated, some reports of child labour.  so don't go volunteer in one, please.
• i have lots of ideas on what could be done by the agency i am working for and i just hope that at least one of them can be implemented, we shall see

season 2, episode 1

today was my first day at my new job.  it is just a temporary post at the moment as the details of contracts and salaries and technicalities are sorted out, but it didn't stop me from being nervous.

in the end, there was no reason to worry and it was difficult to slip back into the system that i left a few years ago.  the workload will be heavy and the obstacles in front of the team, rather substantial.  but if i am up for a challenge, it is there for the taking.

i can tell that the challenges will include: desks not lined up in any logical order in the office (yes, i am serious), a coworker who likes to listen to music at just audible levels, and utter lack of infrastructure in what is colloquially referred to as a 'resource poor' working environment.

in many ways, it is a great opportunity and a position that i can shape into my own and define as i go.  but it will also involve a lot of ambiguity and a certain degree of risk.  a bit like being the underdog and it could go either way, really.

i am happy for the chance to get involved in some potentially interesting project development and the flexibility that comes when you do not have a long term contract, which means i can still take my upcoming birthday trip to ghana, head home for a visit in march, and decide my own working hours.

maybe my independent spirit and no-nonsense manner of thinking about the development game will be pleased with this arrangement.  or maybe my love for organisation, planning, and preparations will be driven mad with the lack of clarity or clearly defined boundaries and roles.

only time will tell in this instance.  like many before and certainly many more to come.

home sweet home in monrovia

remember that deal i made with kelsey?  well, i am really crapping out on it, aren't it?

and it is not that i have any wonderful excuses as i am not working a regular job, have more free time than i've had in years, and have had literally thousands of thoughts about life in liberia that i have wanted to share.

view from my bedroom window

i arrived about a month ago and was warmly welcomed into my new home that overlooks the atlantic ocean.  it is a furnished house, meaning it comes with the basics and all the necessary furniture, but little else.  not much on the walls or in the cupboards, but after a few shorts weeks, it does feel like home.

and you can't beat opening your balcony doors in your bedroom to hear the sound of the waves crashing.

waves crashing so hard that i actually cannot swim in the ocean near my house, but yoga in my makeshift hot yoga studio (aka my balcony) is wonderful with the background noises of the sea.

we have a housekeeper who is slowly becoming my closest friend in liberia and i know this isn't exactly how this relationship should go, but it is nice to have company during the days and she is happy to answer all my questions about life in monrovia.  for instance: how do i break a $100 dollar bill? (go to the forex and ask for 'pieces'), where do i find towels in the shops? (the big shop in town has them, it's called Abijala), how do i replace our empty cooking gas canister (give $45 to the groundskeeper and 5LD (liberian dollars) for a motorcar and he'll get it for you).

our street

she was also a wealth of information during the violence that broke out during an opposition party protest a few days before the run off election was held, which was peaceful in the end even if boycotted by the opposition that was crying foul (and also knew they would lose).

before i left calgary, i was worried that i would be bored and wouldn't have anything to fill my days.  i seem to have been wrong and manage to have a growing To Do list on the go as well as very few moments where i am not sure what to do with myself.

i do have work that needs to be completed from a contract i still have from home and i have been enjoying jumping back into the world of research with it.  but otherwise i have been reading books, working out, playing far too much angry birds than is healthy, stocking the fridge and cupboards, reading the internet and sending emails, and utilising the incredibly affordable long distance calling to call friends and family in canada (seriously, i have put $70 on my phone and have made at least 5 calls lasting longer than an hour each and still have $50 left in my account - if liberia can figure out affordable long distance overseas, why oh why can't canada?!).

and, as promised, i will be spending more time writing (hopefully in a coherent manner) about my impressions of my newest home to post here.

how i spend some afternoons

csr, what is it good for?

absolutely nothing?  not quite.

i come at this topic from a potentially unique perspective - i have an academic and professional background in international development, but have spent the last 3 years working in the field that can broadly be described as corporate social responsibility (csr) with an oil and gas company.  and i have to say, the two worlds are not as far apart as one would think.

the last few years have certainly taught me that csr, like development and humanitarian aid, is a diverse field with some fantastic ideas and programmes and a whole lot of crappy ideas and a handful of people who think CSR IS GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD.

while i certainly don't see the pillars of a good csr strategy as a panacea to the world's problems, i don't think that for-profit organisations are anything to be feared and can 'do good' while also making money.

and here's a few ways: demanding clean supply chains, hiring local people and contractors, investing in local talent development, supporting established organisations through donations and sponsorships (commonly called 'community investment'), ensuring a safe and healthy worksite for current employees, and minimising the amount of environmental damage or degradation its operations cause.

to be clear, i don't think that a company does, or necessarily should, do these things out of the goodness of their hearts.  i think there are a lot of intrinsic motivators for businesses to implement effective csr strategies, including enhancing local services and recreation to attract the best staff.  to improve the talent pool from which they will draw now and in the future (essentially, capacity building in the development sense) by supporting education facilities and programmes.  to improve value for their shareholders (however value is described) by demonstrating they are a sustainable enterprise.  to build morale within the companies and appealing to their staff who want to work at a responsible company.

true, companies can leverage their csr initiatives for marketing and to build their reputation with potential customers, and those motivations all seem relatively clear, but i think that csr is too often written off because this is seen as its only purpose.

csr can be done horribly wrong and i would argue, some companies who think they should get into the world of csr don't think strategically or consider it a professional field that comes with years of research, analysis, successes, and failures.  too often, a seemingly 'good cause' is supported through writing a giant cheque or volunteers are sent out for the photo opportunity, with little concern for what impact (positive, negative, or null) it will have.

in fact, the company that i work for has a csr situation gone sideways.  they wanted to improve water and sanitation in a community where they operate and figured they could work with a un agency (because if csr can't save the world, the un will!).  their intentions, unsurprisingly, were good and everyone had that warm, fuzzy feeling that doesn't come often for a bunch of engineers working in an extractive industry.

but those good intentions were not enough.  the project is years overdue, has suffered from high-level turnover at both organisations, and has not had the intended positive effects that everyone had hoped.  in hindsight, i think they realise they bit off more than they could chew and were ill informed with how the un functions (or does not) and what happens when you improve social services in one village and not the rest (surprise, people migrate!).

and why?  because in this case, the company is not an expert in water and sanitation projects in this particular country.  had they hired someone who was, they may have found that in this case, writing a giant cheque would've been more beneficial.

in other words, csr decisions and strategies should be taken seriously and addressed by professionals, not just those who want to go home from work feeling good (which is similar to Milton Friedman's argument that a business behaves ethically by turning a profit), but often are not seen as important enough to dedicate sufficient people and resources.  csr costs companies money, it does not earn companies money.  and i think that as long as that is understood and accepted, csr initiatives have a better chance at success.

and writing this is incredibly self serving as i find myself at a crossroads where i could continue on the csr career path or i could turn back to the world i once knew and work internationally with a humanitarian/development programme.  i am not convinced that either will be a perfect fit for me and each comes with challenges and frustrations, but i do believe there is a role for each in meaningful and effective socioeconomic development and humanitarian aid, internationally and locally.

watch this space (and that one over there, too)

it appears that my return to blogging has coincided nicely with a new initiative of j at tales from the hood (a blog that you should be reading if you want to learn anything about international development and humanitarian aid).  check out the details of his Aid Blog Forum and participate if you have anything to say.

the first topic up for discussion is Corporate Social Responsibility.  this also happens to be the field i have been working in for 3 years so i am just working through some thoughts in hopes of coming up with something coherent.  by tomorrow because there is also a DEADLINE.  and if you want to get my to do anything, the way forward is to give me a DEADLINE so i can procrastinate my way towards it and ultimately, get it done.

also, i am really sick of looking at this blog's design and am sort of sick of having the word 'blogspot' in its title.  must think on that too.

(seems my return to blogging has taken the 'then i had a pb&j sandwich for lunch and then i had a really hot coffee and then...' format.  will work on that.)

29 + 12 = 30!

i made it!  survived 2010, a sometimes trying year, and my 29th year.  i warmly welcomed my 3rd decade with a wonderful birthday with deliveries of flowers and cupcakes, hilarious ecards, wonderful presents, and well wishes from across canada and the united states, ireland, georgia, kenya, south africa, the philippines, australia, the uk, italy, thailand, mexico, bermuda, africa's newest country of south sudan, japan, france, and afghanistan!


and here is how my 9 for 29 goals shaped up (or, in a few cases, shipped out!):


1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this last month of 29 has left me feeling content and calm, not normally my modus operandi, and at peace with my future.  part of that has come from knowing i get to go to new york next week for more un speak and potential career connections.  i certainly have had some down days, but overall, i feel as though i am entering my 30s in a much more solid place in terms of anxiety and stronger than recent years in my 20s.  exciting and reassuring.  but as i have said all year, this battle might be won, but there will be a constant war against anxiety in my world.


2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. i can't really remember the motivation behind setting this goal, but i feel as though i managed ok.  i am not sure that i improved much on previous years, but i maintained my thoughtfulness and tried to observe special events and occasions of those around me.
interestingly, i find this much more difficult now that there are so many ways to communicate with your friends, family, and acquaintances and more places to store information.  i used to have 1 daytimer and a phone that received calls.  now i carry a blackberry, an iphone, AND a daytimer and i need to streamline this whole system so that i know when people's birthdays are without having to rely on facebook to tell me.


3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  this year, i got to visit a friend in vietnam, my dad on vancouver island twice, and many friends and near-family in south africa.  i had intended on doing more travelling within north america, but the cost and timing didn't work out during 29.  i STILL have washington dc and chicago on my travel list and am hoping to get to at least one of those in the coming year.  i will get to see some old friends from my nairobi days while i am in new york next week and that should be lovely.  


4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  remember what i said last month?  yes, that 2011 will be the Year of Direction!  i hadn't done a lot of work to get to the bottom of this goal in the last year.  i did a lot of thinking and a lot of worrying and even a little daydreaming over the past year, but not a lot of the work that i think will be necessary to help me to get to where i want to be.  or figure out where i want to be.  that might be a better place to start.


5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  the nest egg is there.  but it is more like a robin's egg when i wish it was an ostrich egg.  i think that as long as i stay in calgary, this will be moved higher on my list of priorities.  as life planning goes, this is one of those elements that needs to be there so that i can do whatever it is that i want to do (once i figure that bit out...).


i am not bad with money per se, i am just still unsure of how much money i should be spending on my house, on entertainment, on food, on travelling, on savings, on investments...
but i have a new(ish) friend who is a financial planner and i might hit him up for some advice or business once i am back from new york.


6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. i don't know what has happened to me over the past few weeks, but i have been a human garbage can, eating cheeseburgers, chips, pizza, chocolate, and ever other bad thing within my reach.  i am not normally a compulsive eater, but i can't seem to stop once i get started (typically in the evenings) and nothing satisfied me.


i hadn't been cooking, but i am back on that train and have brought out the slow cooker and my newest addition to my kitchen, a kichenaid food processor (that did nick my finger during its installation on my counter resulting in a lot of blood).


throughout the year, i fluctuated between eating really regular and healthy meals to forgetting to eat until 4pm or munching on crap late into the night.  this will likely always be the case, but man does it feel gross if my eating habits are not in order (like now).    


7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  there were some weeks there in the fall that i could have slept for hours and hours and right through the morning, but lately i have been getting by on less sleep and that is probably a good thing.  mostly because i have actually been getting out of bed when my alarm goes off and waking up relatively rested and ready for the day.


part of what makes it easier not to sleep and sleep and sleep is not being on any anti-anxiety medication, which makes me rather sleepy (although i do still miss the technicolour dreams) and being busy, which means that i don't have the option of hitting snooze (well, more than twice) and have to get my arse out of my bed.
one thing that i do notice is that if i haven't started the week with sufficient sleep, i play catch up all week and never feel as though i am well rested until friday night where i am useless and just want to put pyjamas on and sit beside the fireplace.


8 - maintain my priorities.  perhaps one of the challenges of this goal was that i never officially stated my priorities, but i do think i made sure that when i was becoming overwhelmed with one job or the other, that i took a step back and did something for myself.  one area that i feel as though i should've made a stronger effort to prioritise was physical fitness and running.  after my half marathon training ended last spring, i ran a little bit here and a little bit there, but without any specific goals or program.  i like the fact that after a few weeks without running, i can hammer out a 10km run without much difficulty, but i know i need to replace running (or something physical) back in my list of priorities moving forward.


9 - keep asking for what i want.  i did a really good job of this during 29.  when i wanted something, i asked for it.  most often, i got what i asked for, and the times that i didn't didn't turn out so bad either.  i am heading to new york next week because i asked for something and i have already asked a few people there to meet with me to explore opportunities and chat about life in new york.


i started my 30th year with a job offer in my inbox (but sadly, i do not speak the francaise, which i really should get back on one of these days...) an even though that wasn't a suitable post for me, i do feel as though that once i figure out what i want, i will certainly be asking for it!


***


i am not sure if i will draft goals for my 30th year.  if i do, i want them to be more specific so that i can use them to stay on track rather than recap what i have been up to and see if it fits.  i think goals are important, but i do thin that to make them effective and useful, i really should spend quality time unpacking what it is that i want and how that would translate into goals for the coming year.


work in progress, i tell ya!

'adhd hadn't been invented in the 1930s'

yes, i am indeed compiling a report of an 8 member team, much of it monotonous, mindnumbing desk work that i cannot concentrate on exclusively.

thus, another great ted recommendation.  (and yes, i realise that you could just as easily go to the ted website yourself, but as this is my blog, i am also using this as a place to record interesting bits of the www that i might want to revisit one day).

Ken Robinson should be a stand up comedian.  but instead, he is an expert on creativity and a ted fellow.  you might enjoy what he has to say about the way that schools are crushing our creativity, i certainly did!

a reminder to myself and others

this ted talk by Jonathan Haidt on the moral roots of liberals and conservatives is a good reminder that when we break down our differences into a simple matrix of what 'we' believe and how 'they' are wrong, we all loose.

i often need this reminder, perhaps more than most people.  especially today when i received an email from a volunteer telling me about the trip her church is about to take to bring their youth group to a developing country and 'visit with the victims of trafficking staying in a rescue centre' as an educational opportunity.

blah.  i may not be right all the time, but i feel quite justified in saying that reeks of another form of exploitation and although it is not as traumatic as the first likely was, it will still have lasting impacts on a macro level.  ew.

ted on a tuesday

you know it is a rather monotonous day of work when i come up with more ted talk recommendations.

as my go to website that i am allowed to stream video from at work (there are not many), ted has a few gems up on its main page at the moment.  take a look if you too need some stimulating background noise to desk work that you are not particularly thrilled about.  or if you just want to watch some inspiring talks by two humble individuals.

i love a lady who isn't afraid to drop an eff bomb if it makes her point clear (although she refrains in this talk).  peace activists don't always get a lot of credit from the 'establishment,' but i think that Jody Williams can speak their language and to boot, she is not an avowed pacifist.  which means she gets my vote.  for what, i don't know, but a vote nonetheless.

a canadian kid whose life didn't go quite as he planned (ever heard that one before?) turned it into an internet sensation and then a best selling book.  Neil Parischa talks about the As of awesome and how no one is immune to hardship or negative experiences, but that being authentic is one of the ways to get through it.  this should be required viewing.  for everyone.

today at work

here are some of the things that happened today at work (x2) that make me love my jobs:

• my boss and i figured out the percentage of time that humans have been capable of rational thought and then came up with a tonne of examples on how we screwed ourselves over by evolving (never underestimate having a boss that has also studied evolutionary psychology)
• my boss also saw me at work, dressed in skinny jeans rolled up with chuck taylors and asked where my skateboard was.  then my colleague (and friend) had to educate him in current fashion and the term 'hipster.'
• i found out that i can access twitter at work!  this is great as i think that i am addicted.  i used to think it was simply a way for people to tell the world they just took a whiz (and for some, it likely is), but i already feel incredibly connected and have been referred to a number of great resources and links.
• i was approached by another volunteer, bringing my total up to 98 volunteers.  (this is not necessarily one of the reasons that i love my job, in fact it makes it exponentially more difficult and less rewarding the more volunteers i collect, but demonstrates i am doing something right, i suppose).
• two of my favourite volunteers invited me out for dinner and drinks tomorrow.  and although that might appear like a slight conflict of interest, i am confident it is not.  i trust it will be a great.
• i am getting a whack of american dollars at the current wicked exchange rate for my upcoming trip to... new york city!!!  (yes, i got the spot on the training!  and i suppose that the cash is not a result of my job, but a good friend's job so i am throwing it in here).

more ted to get you through the day

along with being sick at home on monday, i have also had a lot of reporting to do at work, the kind where you can just plug your earphones in and power through it.  it is essential to have something interesting to listen to and watch, when you need a break.

and because i just can't keep good ideas to myself, here are a few more ted talks, if you also have some time to kill over the holidays.

sheryl sandberg, the chief operation officer at facebook talks about the three reasons we don't have more women in leadership roles.  i just kept thinking, 'oh yeah,' 'uh huh' as i was watching and listening to this.  so much so, that i sent it to two women that i work closely with who are delights to manage whereas i am constantly pulling teeth with the middle aged men that i am expected to direct and lead on a project.

here's sandberg's message in short: sit at the table, make your partner your real partner, and don't leave before you leave.

women consistently underestimate themselves and credit their success to luck or external factors.  and women are not well regarded when they achieve professional success, instead, they are often less liked because of it.

this talk is awesome and not because it is some fanatical feminist diatribe or condemning men for their treatment of men or overly academic.  awesome.

ed ulbrich, the team lead on the development of the special effects for the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (which i loved!), talks about how they pushed technology to its limits to create benajamin's face.

it is fascinating how they did it and to see the footage of how they used brad pitt's face and his iteration of the character to create something that didn't previously exist in more ways than one.  amazing.

29+11

i am late again on the monthly goal update.  and i am almost through my 29th year!  yay.  and eek.  and wow.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  eesh.  constant battle.  uphill and then some downhill.  and then there was november.  it was tough.  but it is over!  anxiety can be a temperamental bitch.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. with the upcoming holiday season, i am trying to keep on top of this and have confidence that i will.  i also have some bits and bobs to send off to friends in south africa so i had better get those in the post asap.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  my next trip will hopefully be a visit with dear friends in the states, although the details are yet to be finalised.  and i will have a parental house guest over christmas so there will certainly be plenty of visiting!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  remember the anxiety surrounding november?  well, much of it was related to this.  i have gathered quite the momentum over the past few years, culminating in recognition as one of the top leaders in my city under 40, but that recognition has made me wonder 'now what?'  and worry about how i can improve and grow.  this should be a time where i am able to focus on opportunity, but sometimes having too many choices can be equally overwhelming as not having enough.  i am not complaining, just working through the kinks.  in doing so, i really hope a pathway emerges towards a goal...

then again, i feel like i have been saying that months on end!

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  doing well!  i also overcame a slight panic about my corporate taxes and how much i owed the government by talking with my accountant this past month.  i am in good shape and set for the upcoming fiscal year.  even if i have spent the better part of my afternoon at work looking up cheap beach vacation packages!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. two months running for a fat goose egg!  i have been cooking more regularly at home and whipping up some delicious meals.  after spending a hung over sunday afternoon watching anthony bourdaine's cooking show where he taught his viewership how to make a delightful beef bourguinon, i decided to try my own hand at the classic french dish.  at 10pm.  on a tuesday. 

everything was going well until i was frying the pearl onions in butter and oil on my stove (it was 11:15pm by this point) and my smoke alarm went off!  which means it does not just go off in my own building, but in the three buildings in my townhouse complex!!  meaning that everyone had to either put up with the high pitched screeching that the alarm makes or wait out in the -10 degree cold while we waited for the firefighters to come and reset the alarm!!!

except for me, who hid in my house and thought it best that i clean up my entire kitchen, put my cook book away, take off my apron, and make a feeble attempt to hide all evidence that it was me who was cooking at 11pm!

but, perhaps arrogantly, i did not turn the bourguinon off as to not interrupt its delicious cooking process in the oven.  and it truly was a delight when it was done cooking.  and after the smoke alarm went off.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount. during periods of intense anxiety, one of my coping mechanisms (healthy or not) is to sleep.  and then sleep some more.  i know it helps my mind turn off for awhile, but it certainly gets in the way of actual real, wakeful life when you sleep for 12 hours in a day.  as my mood has improved, so has my sleeping schedule and i have intentionally scheduled a lot more down time during the month of december to make sure i am not overworked or overburdened with too many social or professional commitments.

8 - maintain my priorities.  as i just mentioned, i have made a mindful decision not to book myself up too much this month and it has resulted in a happier, more balanced me.  i am still not totally sure what my priorities would be if i listed them or what order they would appear, but simply having ME at the top has been good for my spirit.  i think this is something i will need to spend more time on in the new year and it will likely have a positive impact on goals 1 and 4 as well.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  i recently asked to go to a training on working with the aboriginal community in canada that was approved (and paid for!) at work (but since postponed until the new year).  i suspected raising my hand at work will be necessary and beneficial for me in the coming months, but i am going to make sure i am asking for the work that i want to do and am interested in.
 
i have also asked for a reorganisation in my non-profit work.  the outcome of this restructuring could mean that i can take a step back by hiring someone who will work under me and take care of administrative tasks to free my time for higher level discussions, relationship building, and capacity building.  and that will all be good.
 
i also made a christmas list!  and it includes sparkling water because that stuff is heavy, yo!  and i struggle to carry it home from the grocery store.  it is so delicious and one of my guilty pleasures (along with cooking beef bourguinon late at night!)

'tis the season of red cups, party dresses, baking days, and the peanuts christmas special

so what's going on with me lately?

i seem to have my life under control.  i was seriously debating hosting a christmas (or non-denominational seasonally festive, if you prefer) party, but have decided against it because i am just now feeling as though i am on top of my life for the first time in a few months.  it feels good.

instead, i think i will host myself a birthday party.  because i am turning 30 in february and they tell me that this is one of those milestone birthdays and i haven't had one of those in awhile.

work (x2) is going surprisingly well.  i thought i would be drowning in tasks and to do lists, but i am keeping my head above water, if only just.  the energy and recognition i have received since the avenue top 40 under 40 was released has kept me motivated and moving forward and i am hoping i can ride that momentum out as much as possible.

my volunteers are no longer zapping me of all my spirit and i am finding the language to flip their assumptions and misconceptions on their heads without being offensive.  i am asked to host, present, and attend various events and i am now picking and choosing which ones i attend rather than just saying yes.

for instance, i get to have lunch with calgary's new mayor tomorrow!  well, me and a bunch of other people, but i am still looking forward to it.  but i haven't figured out what i will wear.  and this seems like a rather important decision to make.

overall, my attitude is positive, my outlook is optimistic, and i am looking forward to some exciting things to celebrate the holiday season: the annual girls' christmas baking day, family traditions, an invitation to a christmas party where i can wear betsey again, and hopefully some downtime at the cabin.

amongst all this good stuff, i am trying not to feel as though i am not doing enough (whatever enough is), not to stress about what my next steps are, or about the seeming lack of any available, interesting, and intriguing men in my path!  but that is a post and line of thinking for another post and another day.

29+8

i just realised that i hadn't updated my goals for october, so here they are!

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  i had a little anxiety around social engagements last week, especially to go to events where i was the focus of the attention, but i feel on top of things this week and rather optimistic about the future, which is great.  and wards off the anxiety.  but i do miss those wild dreams on anti-anxiety meds!

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  texts, cards, calls.  just need to work on the gifts, especially as it is coming up to christmas season and i want to make sure that i am not scrambling to pick stuff up for the people on my list.  i am hoping to think of some good ideas.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  i don't have any plans for trips to see anyone after my whirlwind trip of visiting in south africa.  but i do have a lot of fun events coming up with friends and family.  birthday dinners, birthday drinks, ladies christmas pot-luck, baking day, wine tasting with the girls, bridal showers and stagettes, family christmas traditions to look forward to, and the icing on the cake will be a close friend's wedding in banff.  i think it will be a pretty fantastic holiday season and i am going to get things started early (which i figure is completely acceptable because starbucks has released the red cups, marking the official beginning of the holiday season!  well, sort of).

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  this is connected to #1.  i feel good about what is to come.  it has been wonderful to get credit for a job well done in my current positions and for my managers and high ups to congratulate me on my accomplishments.  my company advertised in the same magazine that i was featured in and in the ad they said that i was compassionate, committed, and deserving of the accolade.  my past 9 months have been taken over with thoughts of 'what next?' and 'where to?' and not feeling as though i am doing what i should be.  i am still not sure what the answers to those questions are, but i am content with where i am professionally and that is the best i have felt about #4 all year.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  i'm laying off the international travel for awhile.  that should help in the savings department.  and so will looking forward to the next tax season, eesh.  working so much is keeping my expenses down as i rarely have time to go out and buy frivolous things.  oh, except for my betsey dress.  but that was a deal!  and for an event!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  this one gets a big, old fail.  i have only been for groceries since returning from south africa a few weeks ago (and once for a single celery stalk that cost $0.31) and have little to make a meal out of in my house.  so instead, i grab something on my way home from work.  this week i have had a vietnamese sub, souvlaki, won ton soup, left over pizza, and a frozen pizza i scrounged out of my freezer.  and this evening my snack was a can of mushrooms, which i know disgust some people, but they are one of my secret guilty food pleasures!

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  this waxes and wanes.  some mornings i wake up feeling peppy and ready for the day and others, i feel like i could just scrunch down further under my duvet and turn my alarm off.  i spent most of sunday catching up on sleep/feeling rather hung over, but the larger problem is working 12 hours in a day and not having enough time at the end of it to unwind.  i have found that a few glasses of wine help!

8 - maintain my priorities.  although i am not exactly sure what my priorities are, i feel as though they are in check.  or at the least, they are not out of balance at the moment.  leaving calgary and canada behind always helps me to do this and being in south africa certainly did.  maybe the first step to really achieving this is to establish my priorities...

9 - keep asking for what i want.  well, soon i will be asking for the removal of support of an organisation that i don't agree with at work and that sort of counts.  i have been given a number wonderful things lately and i feel like right now, i don't need to ask for a thing.  instead, i feel like i have a lot to give.

leading the charge

this week has been another busy one for me, but one i have really enjoyed.  i am not sure what happened in the last week, but i have newfound motivation, inspiration, and excitement about my work.  it might have come with the recognition i received from the avenue magazine, but where ever it came from, i have run with it this week.

one of the new things that i have added to my plate, sort of inadvertently, is to lead the charge to get the company i work for to stop supporting the operation christmas child programme of samaritan's purse.  it bugged me last year and it bugged me again this year.  i found out that there were a few others at work who are also concerned about this, so i have a meeting next week and i just have to remember not to step on anyone's toes and have my ducks in a row before i go in there.

so, here are my ducks.

we state that we will not financially support religious organisations and this is not only a faith based organisations, but is an organisation that openly and proudly evangelizes and proselytizes.  the campaign consists of filling shoeboxes with small gifts of books, toys, candy, and hygiene products, which the organisation claims are needed.  essentially, we fill boxes with crap and send it overseas.  and in the process, we enlarge our environmental footprint, flood a local market with stuff that could likely be locally sourced (and thereby, stimulate the economy), and export our values and perspective of mass consumerism during the holidays.

it is the typical and useless, quite likely harmful, practice of giving gifts-in-kind in a method that is complete donor driven and riddled with our own wishes rather than the wishes and expressed needs of the people we are intending to "help."

how does that sound?

there is more information on a website that has been developed to draw attention to these issues: www.pursestrings.ca

and alternatively, i need to come up with a few other options of how people can get involved in both domestic and international projects at christmas.  ideas??

i'll have more of the same

finally, it seems that 2010 has cleaned up its act and has decided to stop being such a jerk.

as mondays go, this one was pretty stellar.  and why?

• not waking up to an alarm
• still smiling from the high of getting together with my new book club full of wonderful, dynamic women
• a new outfit of a skirt on the sale at the gap and a shirt that fits perfectly from my sister paired with a bold necklace with a giant flower and my favourite italian boots purchased in ireland
• checking off and throwing away my To Do list at work
• an hour long presentation to the most notorious of the law enforcement agencies in canada (you just try breaking into our borders!) met with positive feedback
• won ton soup
• proofing the text for an ad that i will appear in
• setting up a meeting with someone who wants to learn more about my 'consulting services'
• an invitation for a south african wine drinking and luggage packing date
• a raise.  a totally unsolicited raise!  a potentially retroactive raise!!
• a meeting with my volunteers who continue to inspire me, challenge me, and humour me
• purchase of a wall hanging off etsy to bring a little feng shui into my nest
• a new episode of weeds
• a glass of dry red wine

long may it last.

5 days of excitement to go

in five days' time i will be on a jetplane, heading to heathrow to transfer to johannesburg and then on to cape town!  i have no idea how long it will take to get there, but i am well prepared with three books and a little bit of work that i have committed to finishing while i am away (not so much work as copy writing for a friend).  my books of choice include the first two in Stieg Larsson's series, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and The Girl Who Played With Fire.  everyone and their dog keeps talking about them, including that there is an element of human trafficking to the story line, so i am jumping on the literary bandwagon and will read them as well.

i also purchased The Help, which i kept picking up at the bookstore and finally bought it online (say what you will about amazon taking away sales from local booksellers, i love the convenience and the process of looking forward to and then receiving a package in the post).

i thought i would have to go on a wild goose chase for shoes to wear to the wedding where i will be a bridesmaid, but i managed to shop in my own closet and find a pair of black, strappy sandals that i got last year in thailand and haven't worn very often back at home.  dressy and sassy?  no, but they will do for a wedding i am travelling halfway around the world to attend to wear with a dress i have never seen?  why yes, yes they are.

as i have mentioned, we've got a few great places to stay already booked and i have noted with asterisks in my lonely planet and rough guide the sights i would like to show my mom in cape town and cape point, wineries i would like to visit in and around stellenbosch, and a whale watching tour out of hermanus.  we are also planning on getting to the sleepy town of bredasdorp so i can show my mom where i lived over 5 years ago and i am crossing my fingers that i will see the woman that i lived with while i was there.  it might be a bit strange walking up to my the half door of the house and knocking.  if she remembers me, i might give her a bit of a heart attack!

i am certainly ready to take a break from the daily grind and the tidal wave i seem to have created.  i spent a lot of time this past week getting on top of my To Do list and feel as though i am leaving all my projects in a state that will not spontaneously combust without regular attention - my volunteers have tasks to take care of, my meetings and workshops are all set up for when i returned and my prep work for them is nearly done, i have someone looking after the nest in my absence, and i have tentative hallowe'en plans and a group of girls thinking up a costume for me.

so all that is left is 5 days of excitement and counting down!

the tidal wave

by geez, where have i been?  oh yes, dealing with my life that seems to be overflowing with To Do items lately.  it is not terribly out of the ordinary for me to be busy, but lately i have felt (as my colleague so eloquently put it) that i've created a tidal wave of support and activity and instead of riding it, i am drowning in it.

i suppose it is this way with issue-based work where you need people to be aware of the issue and then you want government to do something about it and then you need to be mindful of whether or not those who are engaged in the response are doing so effectively and responsibly and then you need to deal with the people coming out of the woodwork who just learned about your issue and how it affects their community.

i was feeling rather ho-hum about the whole thing (the 'thing' being my professional life) and that i was zapped of all energy, but today i feel much better.  perhaps because i just said to my Day Job 'eff off for a day!' and concentrated on getting caught up on my other job, which is much more rewarding but certainly does not pay the bills.

now i am all set up to host two events in the coming months, deliver three training sessions to government and non-government agencies, have coffee with yahoos who want to start their own organisation, another coffee meeting with the executive director of a really cool agency that supports victims of sexual exploitation, manage 5 kick ass volunteers, write a law school reference letter, draft a research plan, and carry out the regular stuff associated with non-profit management.  eesh. but at least now i am sorted, have my files saved the way they should be (funny how this is sometimes so difficult to keep up ith), and feel as though i can ride the tidal wave rather than have it drown me.  what a difference a morning makes.

to get all of this done, i worked from home today.  it meant recognising that i was far too stretched and stressed with my Day Job and that it was taking away from where i would prefer to spend my energies (but that sadly, doesn't pay quite as well as the private sector).  i will pick it all up again tomorrow when i go into my office, but i am going to do my best to remain slightly removed from the bullshit that comes with leading a team to complete a rather undesirable task (hello, audit!).

and all of this is ok because in 2 short weeks i will be in cape town, south africa where my mama and i will be living in the lap of luxury (that is a saying, isn't it?) by staying here and here.  and then staying at a protea farm.  a protea farm, people!  a protea farm in the middle of the winelands.  where they grow grapes!  and make wine!

yippee.

29+6

i am affectionately referring to this past month as the beginning of the home stretch.  29 has not been my favourite year so far and although i have faith that it is going to clean up its act for these last months, i am still looking forward to saying adios to my 20s and with it, the deceptive 29.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this goal has become almost boring!  i haven't really figured how exactly how not to feel anxious and it normally pops up (as it always has) when i am in new social situations and have to make conversation, but all i can think of is 'say something, say something, try and relate, try and relate, say something, something, anything.'

there were certainly a few of those moments this past month.  one where i solved (?!) the problem by drinking wine and then some more wine.  i think i followed that up with a ceasar and then maybe, a beer.  as you can imagine, this was not exactly the solution i should have been looking for and i ended up that girl without her shoes on, barefoot on the side of a busy road while her date hails a cab.  pretty much, my finest moment of 29...

but i find that getting enough sleep and connecting with people who are also struggling with a sense of identity, purpose, and belonging helps a lot in the anxiety battle department.  and reminding myself that even if nothing seems to make sense right now, there is probably something a-brewing that will materialise shortly.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  still ok.  still not fantastic.  but working on it.  in fact, i bought cards and gifts for upcoming events.  so there.  but still a distance to go to win this one.  sadly, i have been so self-absorbed in my funk i don't think i have given this goal enough of my energies.  lame.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  my plane ticket to cape town is booked and paid for!  sadly, the visits i was looking forward to where friends from my past, international life were going to be stopping into the yyc were dashed and i am still longing for trips to cities in eastern canada and the us, but i must be realistic and acknowledge that they likely won't happen during 29.

but 30 looks like it might have a trip in store for me.  a 30th celebration trip, in fact.  a 30th celebration trip with my best friend.  but the details are yet to be worked out.  just a daydream at this time.

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  errr...  i could sum up a lot of my frustrations over the past few weeks and months by struggling to come to any sort of answer on this one.  so far i have got as far as 'i don't want to be doing what i am doing for too much longer.'  and i guess knowing that is better than not.  but still, is it so hard to know what you want to be when you grow up?!

although it has been a constant thought on my mind, in the past few days i have felt closer to knowing.  nothing yet to divulge to the universe (and it isn't even clear enough in my own head to attempt to put down in coherent sentences yet), but somehow, someway, i am finding clarity around what i want to be doing in a year's time.

these past two years working in the private sector have been wonderful experience and i now see a career path that i didn't even know existed previously.  i don't see exactly how it twists and turns or where it leads, but i was recently asked what advice i would give to someone who would like to be where i am now and my answer?  to allow the path to take you where it will and to always be flexible, accept challenges, and figure out the details later.

perhaps it is time to take my own advice (um, hello?!  are you so blind?!  this seems rather obvious!) so that is how i am approaching the second half of 29.  a little faith, more hard work, and confidence in the journey.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  eesh.  that is all i have.  not an i-can't-pay-my-mortgage eesh, but just an eesh.  maybe an i-could-really-use-a-budget eesh or even an can-i-pay-someone-to-get-handle-on-incoming-and-outgoing-cash eesh, but certainly no where near an i-am-irresponsible-with-money eesh.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  this slow cooker is doing wonders for my nutrition!  i eat at home more often and have meals full of vegetables (and meat, because it turns out that a lot of slow cooker recipes call for meat...).

but i did have chocolate cake and coffee for dinner this evening...  and because i ate a lot of lacklustre, light weight, dehydrated meals on my hike on vancouver island, i have been 'rewarding' myself with my guilty pleasure of cheeseburgers more often than is healthy.

i feel as though with the changing of the seasons and the impending cool down of autumn, i will be in my kitchen and entertaining more often meaning i will be eating well and sharing food with family and friends.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  i have really been enjoying my sleeps lately, which is so important as there is nothing better than being out on a saturday night and just looking forward to coming home, crawling into bed, and doozing off knowing no alarm will be waking you.  and in the morning, when i am not exhausted and can get up and at 'em instead of needing a few extra minutes (about 10 times) because i don't wake up rested on a sunday morning because i have been overtired all week is a triumph.

clean sheets, a hot bath (with epson salts courtesy of my mama), and a good book has been just the ticket.  and much needed as i have overcome some rather trying days at my day job in the past few weeks.

8 - maintain my priorities.  really, this should just be all the previous goals wrapped into one.  if i could stay on top of all the last 7, then this one would come naturally.  unfortunately, that wasn't really the case this past month.  and part of it was because i was absolutely tuckered right out at the end of a work day that i didn't want to do anything afterwards and that included doing fun things or social things or educational things.  so i became sort of boring and lazy.  but i have had some lovely, low-key weekends (both at the cabin and in the city) and i managed to refocus and am rounding out the month on a high.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  come to think of it, i haven't asked for too much this month.  thrown a few more job applications into the mix and sent some good vibes to the universe, but haven't articulated exactly what i want.  but part of that is because i am not exactly sure that i know.  or i haven't had the confidence to state what i want.  but i am getting there and once i do, i might just come knocking on your door with a request.