29+8

i just realised that i hadn't updated my goals for october, so here they are!

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  i had a little anxiety around social engagements last week, especially to go to events where i was the focus of the attention, but i feel on top of things this week and rather optimistic about the future, which is great.  and wards off the anxiety.  but i do miss those wild dreams on anti-anxiety meds!

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  texts, cards, calls.  just need to work on the gifts, especially as it is coming up to christmas season and i want to make sure that i am not scrambling to pick stuff up for the people on my list.  i am hoping to think of some good ideas.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  i don't have any plans for trips to see anyone after my whirlwind trip of visiting in south africa.  but i do have a lot of fun events coming up with friends and family.  birthday dinners, birthday drinks, ladies christmas pot-luck, baking day, wine tasting with the girls, bridal showers and stagettes, family christmas traditions to look forward to, and the icing on the cake will be a close friend's wedding in banff.  i think it will be a pretty fantastic holiday season and i am going to get things started early (which i figure is completely acceptable because starbucks has released the red cups, marking the official beginning of the holiday season!  well, sort of).

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  this is connected to #1.  i feel good about what is to come.  it has been wonderful to get credit for a job well done in my current positions and for my managers and high ups to congratulate me on my accomplishments.  my company advertised in the same magazine that i was featured in and in the ad they said that i was compassionate, committed, and deserving of the accolade.  my past 9 months have been taken over with thoughts of 'what next?' and 'where to?' and not feeling as though i am doing what i should be.  i am still not sure what the answers to those questions are, but i am content with where i am professionally and that is the best i have felt about #4 all year.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  i'm laying off the international travel for awhile.  that should help in the savings department.  and so will looking forward to the next tax season, eesh.  working so much is keeping my expenses down as i rarely have time to go out and buy frivolous things.  oh, except for my betsey dress.  but that was a deal!  and for an event!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  this one gets a big, old fail.  i have only been for groceries since returning from south africa a few weeks ago (and once for a single celery stalk that cost $0.31) and have little to make a meal out of in my house.  so instead, i grab something on my way home from work.  this week i have had a vietnamese sub, souvlaki, won ton soup, left over pizza, and a frozen pizza i scrounged out of my freezer.  and this evening my snack was a can of mushrooms, which i know disgust some people, but they are one of my secret guilty food pleasures!

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  this waxes and wanes.  some mornings i wake up feeling peppy and ready for the day and others, i feel like i could just scrunch down further under my duvet and turn my alarm off.  i spent most of sunday catching up on sleep/feeling rather hung over, but the larger problem is working 12 hours in a day and not having enough time at the end of it to unwind.  i have found that a few glasses of wine help!

8 - maintain my priorities.  although i am not exactly sure what my priorities are, i feel as though they are in check.  or at the least, they are not out of balance at the moment.  leaving calgary and canada behind always helps me to do this and being in south africa certainly did.  maybe the first step to really achieving this is to establish my priorities...

9 - keep asking for what i want.  well, soon i will be asking for the removal of support of an organisation that i don't agree with at work and that sort of counts.  i have been given a number wonderful things lately and i feel like right now, i don't need to ask for a thing.  instead, i feel like i have a lot to give.

southern south africa, in a nutshell

it's lame, but here is a list of stuff i've been up to the past few weeks (if you are so inclined to be interested).  i need time to process the things i have done, the people i have seen, and the thoughts i have thought over the past three weeks, but in the meantime...

cape town

• i still love this city
• i saw the colours, mosques, and unique architecture of the bo-kaap for the first time this visit
• a trip up table mountain in the cable car is certainly worth it (and maybe one day i will hike all the way up the mountain)
• staying at the westin grand was grand.  so was the spa.  and the waterbeds where you get to wait for your toes to dry after a pedicure.
• weddings and dress fittings and chaos, oh my!
• i could watch the boulders beach penguins for hours
• entering the main central train station from the back makes you think you are in africa.  exiting it from the front makes you think you are in europe.
• a few roads to nowhere that were there when i visited 5 years ago and are still there.  just unfinished freeways in the centre of the city, no big deal.

stellenbosch

• a farm town anywhere is a farm town everywhere.
• protea farms are neato.  proteas are also neato.  buy one next time you see one in the shops (or shoppies as the south africans might call them) and rest assured that it will last 3-4 weeks (which might offset the guilt for purchasing a flower that had to be transported from so far away).
• might i suggest staying at the sugarbird manor if you visit stellenbosch?  their staff are wonderful and their cats are so cuddly.  and watching the guinea fowl run across the lawn will make you giggle every time, i swear.
• wine tasting at bilton was accompanied by chocolate, delicious.  i kept thinking that it was missing a G though and it should've been biltong as we are in south africa.
• lunch at asara was also yummy.  the fish and chips were, as my mom put it, the best she's EVER had.
• views every way you look, stunning.
• lunch at jordan.  springbok tartar.  amazing.
• zipping through the hills in our rented hyundai atos, otherwise known as the lunchbox.

franschhoek

• the friendliest americans and brits at the guesthouse.
• a place for foodies and for anyone who can appreciate a good meal and a glass of wine.
• evenings of wine (and sherry) drinking with our hosts who provided us with a history lesson of rural south africa, both good and bad.
• dinner at dutch east.  perhaps the best fish i have ever had.  ever.
• a continuation of south africa's wonderful service.
• even the pubs serve gourmet food, including the scrumptious burger at elephant and barrel, which we shared along with some much-needed pints of beer after all that wine!
• one of the best meals i have ever had at reuben's.  ever.  see a theme here?!  a little piece of trivia - reuben is taking over from gordon effing ramsay at the cape town one&only hotel's restaurant.  yes, he's that good.  and so were the staff at his restaurant.
• a wine tasting with hilarious scots at solms-delta was followed by an incredibly informative social history tour with johan throughout the winery.  this place is a must-see if you are in the area, it is the site of a san living site hundreds of years ago and then of a homestead of european farmers.  and i want to bottle johan's intelligence and enthusiasm for nature, people, and learning and sell it, it was that encouraging and inspiring.

bredasdorp

• this is where i lived 5 years ago.
• it hasn't changed much.  a few new shops and some roadworks, but otherwise the same.
• surprising aunty joey, the woman i lived with, was something i will never forget.  and i am certain, neither will she.
• as happens in small towns, the phone was soon ringing with people confirming that yes, i had shown up unexpectedly.
• and she baked me melktert.  whipped it up.  just for me.  i also want to bottle this 60+ year old's energy, love, and spirit.  but i am not sure i would want to share it with anyone.  it is that special.
• my own milk tart, just to reiterate.
• a trip to struisbaai and l'agulhas - the most southern point in africa!  as they do not hesitate to advertise everywhere.
• fynbos.  and the some more fynbos.

hermanus

• whales!  whales from the coast and whales from a boat.
• the wind returns.  eesh.
• final bits of shopping.  woolworths.  pick n pay.  other shoppies.
• a random siting of a woman i used to work with in kenya.
• lunch at burgundy.  another delectable steak, cooked to perfection.
• cape dutch and more cape dutch houses.
• calla lilies and more calla lilies growing like weeds.

i'll have more of the same

finally, it seems that 2010 has cleaned up its act and has decided to stop being such a jerk.

as mondays go, this one was pretty stellar.  and why?

• not waking up to an alarm
• still smiling from the high of getting together with my new book club full of wonderful, dynamic women
• a new outfit of a skirt on the sale at the gap and a shirt that fits perfectly from my sister paired with a bold necklace with a giant flower and my favourite italian boots purchased in ireland
• checking off and throwing away my To Do list at work
• an hour long presentation to the most notorious of the law enforcement agencies in canada (you just try breaking into our borders!) met with positive feedback
• won ton soup
• proofing the text for an ad that i will appear in
• setting up a meeting with someone who wants to learn more about my 'consulting services'
• an invitation for a south african wine drinking and luggage packing date
• a raise.  a totally unsolicited raise!  a potentially retroactive raise!!
• a meeting with my volunteers who continue to inspire me, challenge me, and humour me
• purchase of a wall hanging off etsy to bring a little feng shui into my nest
• a new episode of weeds
• a glass of dry red wine

long may it last.

5 days of excitement to go

in five days' time i will be on a jetplane, heading to heathrow to transfer to johannesburg and then on to cape town!  i have no idea how long it will take to get there, but i am well prepared with three books and a little bit of work that i have committed to finishing while i am away (not so much work as copy writing for a friend).  my books of choice include the first two in Stieg Larsson's series, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and The Girl Who Played With Fire.  everyone and their dog keeps talking about them, including that there is an element of human trafficking to the story line, so i am jumping on the literary bandwagon and will read them as well.

i also purchased The Help, which i kept picking up at the bookstore and finally bought it online (say what you will about amazon taking away sales from local booksellers, i love the convenience and the process of looking forward to and then receiving a package in the post).

i thought i would have to go on a wild goose chase for shoes to wear to the wedding where i will be a bridesmaid, but i managed to shop in my own closet and find a pair of black, strappy sandals that i got last year in thailand and haven't worn very often back at home.  dressy and sassy?  no, but they will do for a wedding i am travelling halfway around the world to attend to wear with a dress i have never seen?  why yes, yes they are.

as i have mentioned, we've got a few great places to stay already booked and i have noted with asterisks in my lonely planet and rough guide the sights i would like to show my mom in cape town and cape point, wineries i would like to visit in and around stellenbosch, and a whale watching tour out of hermanus.  we are also planning on getting to the sleepy town of bredasdorp so i can show my mom where i lived over 5 years ago and i am crossing my fingers that i will see the woman that i lived with while i was there.  it might be a bit strange walking up to my the half door of the house and knocking.  if she remembers me, i might give her a bit of a heart attack!

i am certainly ready to take a break from the daily grind and the tidal wave i seem to have created.  i spent a lot of time this past week getting on top of my To Do list and feel as though i am leaving all my projects in a state that will not spontaneously combust without regular attention - my volunteers have tasks to take care of, my meetings and workshops are all set up for when i returned and my prep work for them is nearly done, i have someone looking after the nest in my absence, and i have tentative hallowe'en plans and a group of girls thinking up a costume for me.

so all that is left is 5 days of excitement and counting down!

the tidal wave

by geez, where have i been?  oh yes, dealing with my life that seems to be overflowing with To Do items lately.  it is not terribly out of the ordinary for me to be busy, but lately i have felt (as my colleague so eloquently put it) that i've created a tidal wave of support and activity and instead of riding it, i am drowning in it.

i suppose it is this way with issue-based work where you need people to be aware of the issue and then you want government to do something about it and then you need to be mindful of whether or not those who are engaged in the response are doing so effectively and responsibly and then you need to deal with the people coming out of the woodwork who just learned about your issue and how it affects their community.

i was feeling rather ho-hum about the whole thing (the 'thing' being my professional life) and that i was zapped of all energy, but today i feel much better.  perhaps because i just said to my Day Job 'eff off for a day!' and concentrated on getting caught up on my other job, which is much more rewarding but certainly does not pay the bills.

now i am all set up to host two events in the coming months, deliver three training sessions to government and non-government agencies, have coffee with yahoos who want to start their own organisation, another coffee meeting with the executive director of a really cool agency that supports victims of sexual exploitation, manage 5 kick ass volunteers, write a law school reference letter, draft a research plan, and carry out the regular stuff associated with non-profit management.  eesh. but at least now i am sorted, have my files saved the way they should be (funny how this is sometimes so difficult to keep up ith), and feel as though i can ride the tidal wave rather than have it drown me.  what a difference a morning makes.

to get all of this done, i worked from home today.  it meant recognising that i was far too stretched and stressed with my Day Job and that it was taking away from where i would prefer to spend my energies (but that sadly, doesn't pay quite as well as the private sector).  i will pick it all up again tomorrow when i go into my office, but i am going to do my best to remain slightly removed from the bullshit that comes with leading a team to complete a rather undesirable task (hello, audit!).

and all of this is ok because in 2 short weeks i will be in cape town, south africa where my mama and i will be living in the lap of luxury (that is a saying, isn't it?) by staying here and here.  and then staying at a protea farm.  a protea farm, people!  a protea farm in the middle of the winelands.  where they grow grapes!  and make wine!

yippee.

29+6

i am affectionately referring to this past month as the beginning of the home stretch.  29 has not been my favourite year so far and although i have faith that it is going to clean up its act for these last months, i am still looking forward to saying adios to my 20s and with it, the deceptive 29.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this goal has become almost boring!  i haven't really figured how exactly how not to feel anxious and it normally pops up (as it always has) when i am in new social situations and have to make conversation, but all i can think of is 'say something, say something, try and relate, try and relate, say something, something, anything.'

there were certainly a few of those moments this past month.  one where i solved (?!) the problem by drinking wine and then some more wine.  i think i followed that up with a ceasar and then maybe, a beer.  as you can imagine, this was not exactly the solution i should have been looking for and i ended up that girl without her shoes on, barefoot on the side of a busy road while her date hails a cab.  pretty much, my finest moment of 29...

but i find that getting enough sleep and connecting with people who are also struggling with a sense of identity, purpose, and belonging helps a lot in the anxiety battle department.  and reminding myself that even if nothing seems to make sense right now, there is probably something a-brewing that will materialise shortly.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  still ok.  still not fantastic.  but working on it.  in fact, i bought cards and gifts for upcoming events.  so there.  but still a distance to go to win this one.  sadly, i have been so self-absorbed in my funk i don't think i have given this goal enough of my energies.  lame.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  my plane ticket to cape town is booked and paid for!  sadly, the visits i was looking forward to where friends from my past, international life were going to be stopping into the yyc were dashed and i am still longing for trips to cities in eastern canada and the us, but i must be realistic and acknowledge that they likely won't happen during 29.

but 30 looks like it might have a trip in store for me.  a 30th celebration trip, in fact.  a 30th celebration trip with my best friend.  but the details are yet to be worked out.  just a daydream at this time.

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  errr...  i could sum up a lot of my frustrations over the past few weeks and months by struggling to come to any sort of answer on this one.  so far i have got as far as 'i don't want to be doing what i am doing for too much longer.'  and i guess knowing that is better than not.  but still, is it so hard to know what you want to be when you grow up?!

although it has been a constant thought on my mind, in the past few days i have felt closer to knowing.  nothing yet to divulge to the universe (and it isn't even clear enough in my own head to attempt to put down in coherent sentences yet), but somehow, someway, i am finding clarity around what i want to be doing in a year's time.

these past two years working in the private sector have been wonderful experience and i now see a career path that i didn't even know existed previously.  i don't see exactly how it twists and turns or where it leads, but i was recently asked what advice i would give to someone who would like to be where i am now and my answer?  to allow the path to take you where it will and to always be flexible, accept challenges, and figure out the details later.

perhaps it is time to take my own advice (um, hello?!  are you so blind?!  this seems rather obvious!) so that is how i am approaching the second half of 29.  a little faith, more hard work, and confidence in the journey.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  eesh.  that is all i have.  not an i-can't-pay-my-mortgage eesh, but just an eesh.  maybe an i-could-really-use-a-budget eesh or even an can-i-pay-someone-to-get-handle-on-incoming-and-outgoing-cash eesh, but certainly no where near an i-am-irresponsible-with-money eesh.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  this slow cooker is doing wonders for my nutrition!  i eat at home more often and have meals full of vegetables (and meat, because it turns out that a lot of slow cooker recipes call for meat...).

but i did have chocolate cake and coffee for dinner this evening...  and because i ate a lot of lacklustre, light weight, dehydrated meals on my hike on vancouver island, i have been 'rewarding' myself with my guilty pleasure of cheeseburgers more often than is healthy.

i feel as though with the changing of the seasons and the impending cool down of autumn, i will be in my kitchen and entertaining more often meaning i will be eating well and sharing food with family and friends.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  i have really been enjoying my sleeps lately, which is so important as there is nothing better than being out on a saturday night and just looking forward to coming home, crawling into bed, and doozing off knowing no alarm will be waking you.  and in the morning, when i am not exhausted and can get up and at 'em instead of needing a few extra minutes (about 10 times) because i don't wake up rested on a sunday morning because i have been overtired all week is a triumph.

clean sheets, a hot bath (with epson salts courtesy of my mama), and a good book has been just the ticket.  and much needed as i have overcome some rather trying days at my day job in the past few weeks.

8 - maintain my priorities.  really, this should just be all the previous goals wrapped into one.  if i could stay on top of all the last 7, then this one would come naturally.  unfortunately, that wasn't really the case this past month.  and part of it was because i was absolutely tuckered right out at the end of a work day that i didn't want to do anything afterwards and that included doing fun things or social things or educational things.  so i became sort of boring and lazy.  but i have had some lovely, low-key weekends (both at the cabin and in the city) and i managed to refocus and am rounding out the month on a high.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  come to think of it, i haven't asked for too much this month.  thrown a few more job applications into the mix and sent some good vibes to the universe, but haven't articulated exactly what i want.  but part of that is because i am not exactly sure that i know.  or i haven't had the confidence to state what i want.  but i am getting there and once i do, i might just come knocking on your door with a request.

number crunching

i posted a comment over at flotsam, where on her fifth year blogging anniversary she ran some numbers.  a good idea i thought, so i am posting my comment here with a few more items that i have thought of since.

children conceived: 0
live babies acquired: 0
men married: 0
apartments lived in: 5
books written: 1 (if you count a thesis)
degrees acquired: 1
unfamiliar countries visited: 17
unfamiliar states visited: 0
couches owned: 5
pets felled by disease/neglect: 0
days admitted to hospital: 0
literary rejections received: 0 (but i have received a number of professsional rejections!)
pounds gained: -10
kidney stones passed: 0

and a few of my own:

humanitarian emergencies survived: 1
doctors dated: 3
soldiers dated: 1
teachers dated: 1
statisticians dated: 1
pilots dated: 2

hunters dated: 1
houses purchased: 1
heartbreaks suffered: 1
countries lived in: 4

tropical diseases contracted: 1
blogs maintained: 1

social networking profiles created: 3

social networking profiles maintained: 1
bottles of wine consumed: even if i remembered to count, i wouldn't have had the capacity to at the time

laptops owned: 3

cars named dieter driven: 1

grandparents lost: 2

jobs held: 3, 2 concurrently

tattoos inked: 2

bites of chicken consumed: 3 +/-

itunes songs collected: 4715

languages learned: 1/8

photographs taken: 1000s, maybe even 10,000s

friends met, books read, and tears shed: statistics unavailable until technology improves!

 

i would love to hear what you have to say about your last 5 years!

it started with a seed

over 4 years ago (and i remember this because it was just before the last world cup), i went to london with my bf at the time and my parents, who were visiting from canada.  we rented a sedan, took ourselves for a holiday of live theatre and sightseeing, and visited portobello market.  and in that lovely market, we bought some seedy bread.  and one of those seeds got stuck between my teeth.

like, really stuck.  stuck so badly that for a few days i had a constant dull ache on that side of my mouth.

eventually, with my mad skills in the flossing department, i got that seed out and there would always be a larger space between those two teeth than any of my others.

i adapted to this by carrying around my favourite kind of floss to make sure i thoroughly floss after eating anything that had a tendency to get stuck in there.  apples, beef, anything stringy.  gross, but i never got the 'floss more' lecture from the dentist because i became mildly obsessed.

and when my sis and bro-in-law and i were sitting down to a cold beer and a bite to eat in victoria last weekend before boarding our plane back to calgary, i noticed that i had a hole in my tooth.  a hole in my tooth!  i had my sister investigate it (yes, in the restaurant) and we agreed that it was most likely a cavity, which seemed inevitable.  i made sure to get in to the dentist the very next day and when they told me that my tooth was actually broken and that they suggested repairing it with a crown, i braced myself for the freezing, the drills, and the awfulness of the dentist in general and went for it.

but being frozen that evening really threw me for a loop and put me in a bit of a funk that lasted through the week.  the miserable weather and confusing text message dating certainly didn't help, but the invasion of having someone's hands in my mouth and not being able to feel half of my face for a number hours seems to have had quite a psychological impact.  and it wasn't nice.

i dug myself out of the funk that week and had a lovely weekend full of beers on patios, hikes in kananaskis, and a patio-hopping fundraising event full of food, wine, and good friends.

but that was not what was on my mind later in the evening after i was at the dentist, as i was on the phone with a call centre in india, half my face frozen, having an ugly cry because i didn't know the difference between a modem and a router.  but the nice, young fellow on the phone wasn't bothered and sorted my internets while i felt sorry for myself.  but i bet that if he were located in canada, working at midnight, and having to put up with a whiney mess like me, he would not have been nearly as patient!

29 + 3 - what a month!

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  still kicking anxiety's arse.  mostly through a lot of self talk, taming the crazy, and talking it out with good friends when i feel anxiety rearing its ugly head.  and no more meds, yippee.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special events, days, occasions. a found out a friend who was recently married was just broken into and they lost most of what they received at their wedding.  i didn't know what to do, so i sent her some flowers.  i realise this is as much about me as it was about her, but it made her day and it made me smile.  i also sent a friend a book that i think he'd enjoy and to ease the sting of having to miss mama's day, i put a card in the post before i left.  i'd say for one month, that was pretty good.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  imagine me, sitting on a boat, alone, in the middle of halong bay in vietnam, sorting out my priorities and my 6 month plan.  imagine me thinking to myself, 'no more international travel for 6 months because you must save money.'  then imagine me getting home to an invitation to attend my friend's wedding in south africa in october!!  i obviously had to say yes and then i had to follow that up with an affirmative answer when she asked me to be a bridesmaid!  i am rather looking forward to it and although this is not exactly what i planned during my vietnamese goal setting session, it does allow me another chance to meet my goals for the year!

and i am heading to vancouver island this weekend for some sea kayaking, some wine drinking, and some family visiting, yay!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  see #3 on the goal setting.  part of why i wanted to stop travelling so much for the next 6 months is so that i could save my pennies in preparation to pursue international work in 2011.  as i am keen to work on short term contracts on emergency response as a protection officer, i can't very well predict the next haiti or when darfur needs additional support in the protection department.  i also don't know if anyone will want me (although they did want me in haiti last week... until they realised i don't speak french) so i need to built a nest egg to cover my regular expenses in case i do not find something as soon as i start looking.

my trip to south africa might change my timeline or i might just keep it the same and make a bigger crunch in my spending, we shall see.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  still failing.  trips to vietnam and south africa are mostly getting in the way of this.  and the fact that we are just coming out of tax season and corporate taxes are a pain in my behind and are denting my bank account.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  still not doing so well, but it is tough to stock your fridge with groceries when you are not in your nest for more than two weeks at a time!  i am making healthier choices (except for that night last week where i had chocolate cake for dinner and that other night when i was still so hungover from the night before that i ordered pizza and was mildly ashamed that they now have my address on file).

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  napping is sort of my new hobby.  it started with the jet lag, was prolonged with copious wine drinking, and is maintained with early, productive mornings.  so it is not so bad and i am feeling rather rested when i am awake, it is just that my sleeping hours are a bit of a hot mess.

8 - maintain my priorities.  as mentioned, my alone time in vietnam was great and so was the training i was on in thailand because it allowed me to step back from the life i am currently leading and evaluate a few things.  namely, whether or not i am happy and content where i am, whether or not my jobs are fulfilling, and what i have to do now to set me up for success in my future endeavours. 

the outcome of all this thinking was that i need to save money in the coming months and i need to continue plugging away in my current jobs to build a good foundation for future employment and my nest egg.  i was also feeling as though i had lost my life/work balance in the weeks leading up to my trip to vietnam and it was a reminder that it is not the work itself that was creeping into my personal life, but the worries and frustrations.  and these were mostly coming from my trafficking-related work.  and volunteers.  and managing the crazy people who want to start their own ngos.  and the crazies who take the opportunity to yell at me during events.  you can imagine that it became rather taxing on my patience.

i returned to calgary feeling refreshed and ready to jump into spring and summer with the intention of taking full advantage of my current location and spending time at the cabin, running, and getting out more.  but the instant i turned on my work blackberry, i realised this would not be as easy as i imagined.  and it hasn't been.  i am largely back to juggling competing demands on my time and scheduling fun.  it had better not all been for naught though and i will keep working to find that elusive balance between my friends, my family, my corporate job, my non-profit job, my health, my running, my neglected nest, etc.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  there hasn't been anything i have asked for recently, perhaps i should change this!

unless, asking for help to do my trafficking job better by finding a dedicated volunteer to take on a portion of what i have been trying to stay on top of, but have let slip.  doesn't sound like much, but it is for someone who isn't in the habit of asking for help in that type of stuff!

the emerald isle

oh ireland.  how i loved ireland. 

i loved irish boys, irish beer, irish radio, irish scenery, irish hospitality, irish restaurants.  i didn't love irish weather though.

cold, cold, cold.  that was all i felt for two full weeks although it only ever got to -3.  but it didn't take away from venturing to the following places:

• dublin - staying in a fancy hotel, wandering the streets on christmas day, introduction to irish pubs, invitations from strangers, window shopping at clarks, guinness!
• kilkenny - a lovely castle, a really large bar that would have been fantastic had there been more than one bathroom in the entire place, a hotel room above a pub, my first true irish breakfast (sans black and white puddings), graveyards, long walks, fish and chips, smithwick's ale, learning that it is pronounced 'smithicks'
• cobh - staying with a 'new' friend, sharing bottles of wine until the wee hours, talking and talking and talking, fresh fish, mulled wine, sharing ideas about development, careers, and relationships, rock of cashel, murphy's stout, boot shopping
• kilarney - green rolling hills, gorgeous national park, fantastic clam chowder, a lovely little b & b, friendly people
• cliffs of moher - stressful driving at dusk, gorgeous coastal towns
• galway - happy new year!, charming company, oak bars, fresh oysters, more guinness, more boot shopping, extra long walks along the sea, warm cups of tea, my favourite irish city, italian boots
• derry - no-fun protestant north, fascinating history, fresh ira grafitti, city walls, best b & b hosts ever, more irish breakfasts, funny accents
• giant's causeway - photo shoots on the rocks, best weather of the entire trip, the ocean, beaches, surf shops, views of scotland
• belfast - terrifying history, stunning queen's university campus, even more phenomenal meals, black cab tour of the protestant and catholic areas that suffered most during the troubles, scouring marks & spencer shelves.

driving on the left was far easier than i thought it would be and we couldn't help but laugh as everytime we listened to the radio (constant lady gaga, take that, and jason derulo...) or watched tv all they could talk about were the 'trecherous conditions' and really, they weren't that bad at all.  the roads were relatively clear as it was christmas holidays and only crazies like us decided to tour around ireland in the dead of winter.

i wish i could give a further breakdown of my trip, but i am sort of sick of recapping it for anyone and everyone that asks.  but i will soon be uploading my photos to facebook so keep a look out for them there.

would i go back?  yes.  would i go again in winter?  no, but only because i would love to see many of the places in the summer not because going in the winter was a bad idea.  would i like to spend more time in fewer places?  yes.  would i like to get to connemara next time round?  yes.

i list

shamelessly stolen from k.

I Am – blessed.  which is really not a word i used very often, but i was thinking the other day that i really am blessed.

I Want – to understand how to help others without being condescending or patronising.

I Have – rather big feet for my stature.

I Wish – i could do more.

I Hate – very few things.  and try not to use the word 'hate' in my daily life after i once said i 'hated' a song and my friend called me on it and said that was a lot of negative energy to put in the world.  i agreed.

I Fear – loosing control, having surgery, blood tests, and birds when they flap their wings when they are taking off.

I Hear – the din of my cubicle farm.

I Search – for comfortable socks and underwear.  and myself on google.

I Wonder – where i will be in 2 years', 5 years', and 10 years' time.

I Regret – nothing.  there is a lot i wish never happened, but i don't regret it.  if that makes sense.

I Love – my family.  they are the funniest people i know.

I Ache – when i eat chocolate or ice cream.

I Always – use q tips to clean my ears.

I Usually – do not get enough sleep.

I Am Not – sure what i want to be when i grow up.

I Dance – like a white girl.

I Sing – at home when i am alone and wonder if anyone can hear me.

I Never – wear mismatched socks.

I Rarely – just have one glass of red wine.

I Cry – when i am really happy.

I Am Not Always – punctual, even though i wish i was.

I Lose – my cool when i feel as though i am being manipulated or forced to do something against my will.

I’m Confused – about climate change.  and carbon capture.  and if we are really doomed no matter what we do or don't do.

I Need – to have my hair coloured.

I Should – eat more regular and balanced meals.

I Dream – in bollywood, sometimes.

I Hope – that my trip to toronto is lots of excitement and fun.

I Feel – a bit useless today.

I Appreciate – my family more now than ever before.

looking into the crystal ball

my girls and i had our monthly ladies' night last night and this time, to make it a little more interesting, we invited a psychic to join us and to do readings while we enjoyed our wine and tarts.  here is what she said:

• i should be a teacher or be teaching people, that is what i am here to do
• i will be moving to toronto in march or april and it will be for a job
• i try to be a master of whatever i choose to do
• i will likely go back to school to do a phd and this will be somewhere in eastern canada
• i might not have children because my life will revolve around my career and my husband
• my future is very positive
• my life will have many recurring patterns, a number of endings and beginnings
• my emotional health is good now and to keep it good, i should always exercise
• whoever i am meant to marry is in toronto and i am supposed to meet him next fall and it might be someone from my past, someone i have met a few years ago
• my brothers are going to be aok, even though one will experience various challenges, but he will just need us to let him know we care

and what do i think about all this stuff?  that much of what i heard made a lot of sense and makes me happy and excited about the future.  i think that i would like to have a family one day so i am doubtful that i would focus only on my career and not have children.  and i am not too sure what was going on with me marrying someone i already know because i really cannot think of someone i already know (unless of course we are talking about a certain someone that i met last week!) and the flip side of that is that i will meet someone next fall, but that just feels so far away!

going back to uni, getting a phd, and becoming a professor though?  absolutely!  i would love to and i think that being a form of a teacher or sharer of wisdom sounds like a good life plan for me.

a full two days

please forgive the cryptic list, but i had a fantastic weekend and included the following things, in no particular order and sometimes concurrently:

• a date at the farmer's market
• a drink with my parents and a catch up with their friends
• an exboyfriend siting
• a rip around town in a gorgeous bmw
• late night bottle of wine with a newer friend who i know will be a long time friend
• celebrating one of my oldest friend's birthday
• running into an old high school friend and it wasn't even awkward
• a massage that hurt it was so good
• chilling out with my bros
• brunch with 3 lovely ladies and delicious huevos rancheros made by hand from scratch
• covert actions to determine the source of missed calls
• a job application for a research position
• helping someone tame their crazy
• a gift of a small christmas tree and gorgeous roses
• confirmation that i have a table for 10 to fill for stephen lewis and jian ghomeshi
• text messages from former gentleman suitors

tired

the past two weekends have been great, the first i had my girlfriends over for wine and cheese and i was furiously running around getting all my pictures hung, bringing a rather large bench up two flights of stairs, tidying, and preparing my nest to welcome its first official guests.

then this past weekend i threw a housewarming party and i think it went really well.  again, i tidied, made my bed, hid my messes in closets, dusted, arranged my 'stuff,' and got the nest ready to welcome about 40 people on saturday night.  things are still not entirely back to normal around here, but i finally got through the dishes last night.  and man, do i miss my housekeeper in kenya!  (we used to have her come over the day of a party to do all the tidying and then the next day to deal with the aftermath when we were still sleeping it off).

in addition to attempting to be a good host, i have also been overwhelmed with work lately.  i was down in brooks, medicine hat, and lethbridge to facilitate workshops and although i love doing that type of work, the driving was rather tiresome (even though i listened to my first audiobook, Say You're One of Them by Uwem Akpan, which made me smile with memories of life in nairobi and although that story might not make others smile the same way, i still recommend the book as its short stories do a decent job to describe life in african cities without all the usual pity and condescension). 

i am not leaving calgary anytime soon and am ecstatic about relaxing, enjoying all the nesting i have been doing, and just resting.  once i catch up on sleep and feel a bit stronger, i need to get outside and back running because nobody likes an indicator pant!

surefire ways to ensure you do not get a second date

• tell me dan brown wrote your favourite book
• ask me, 'what was africa like?'
• wear pleated pants (ok, this one hasn't actually happened, but i do fear that it will and i will have to deal with it)
• tell me that you want to volunteer in africa one day
• you don't drink

i want a burt

i have had a rather melancholy week. it could be due to the grey, miserable weather. it could be because of poor drug compliance. or it could be blamed on that awful dream i had earlier this week.

i do know that a large part of my mood has been related to a bit of loneliness. and not because i moved out of my family's house or that i now live alone, but more that i wish i had someone with who i could share my sunday afternoons or to negotiate thanksgiving dinners with. all other parts of my life are pretty fantastic and i just feel like i have more to offer.

and friday evenings at walmart would be a lot more enjoyable if i had a partner in crime, surely.

i was running around nesting again this evening (i spend all my free time putting together furniture, shopping, and rearranging things lately) and came home and felt like a movie. luckily, there was something i had wanted to see on shaw on demand and i ordered Away We Go, cracked open a bottle of wine, and got my tool box out to assemble an end table.

i loved this movie. loved. i am not surprised when you consider that Sam Mendes directed it, Dave Eggers wrote it, Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski star in it, Catherine O'Hara and Jeff Daniels make appearances in it, or that Alexi Murdoch sings in it. and perhaps i loved it even more because it was just what i needed after this past week, a story of regular love that, although punctuated with some sadness, was essentially positive.

if you haven't seen it already, i would suggest that you do. i loved the way that the couple in the film treated one another, spoke to one another, and were in it together, even if they were still trying to figure out what 'it' was. they felt like a team and i loved the dry humour that poked you in the nose every now and again as well as how they dismissed much of the images of perfect families or of the self righteous who seem to know not only what 'it' is, but how exactly to go about 'it.'

the music is great too and i am now listening to the soundtrack that i've also downloaded. now all that is missing is my very own burt.

what a week

sunday
ramen noodles and new almodovar movie screened at the calgary film festival

monday
first day of a week of early mornings for the united way campaign
coffee with the mounties

tuesday
meetings upon meetings
dinner with my ma and bro
mild concern about the security of my job

wednesday
chaos at our volunteer worksite
an afternoon with the dalai lama and his wicked glasses

thursday
concern about my job security alleviated
child trafficking bill makes it through 3rd debate and heads to the senate
first photography class. pixels! sensors! green idiot box!
grey's anatomy (medium, at best)

friday
painting on 3 storey scaffolding for 8 hours
very tired arm
framing of some of my photos
a much needed glass of vino to celebrate a successful 2 week painting project

saturday
invitations to my housewarming party sent out
the return of saturday projects
pickled beets and homemade salsa!
celebratory red wine and beer and a hockey game
lots of laughter

sunday
laundry and tidying
a trip to the farmer's market (blackberries, fresh herbs, and wax beans, oh my!)
napolitan pizza
one tired, tired lady

summer in the city

i am deeply, deeply in love with summer this year and this past week pretty much sums up why. i will give you a point form description of how it all went down:

• i have sat on a total of 5 patios this week
• i have been on 3 dates, with 1 more to go tonight
• i finally got myself to Farm for the first time and got back to Alloy for a second time
• i had made an executive decision that instead of sitting in my dank office, i would take tuesday afternoon off and drink white wine with a colleague
• i have worn skirts, dresses, or shorts to work everyday this week
• i have not had to bring a coat in case it got chilly or i was afraid it would rain
• i looked at 2 places that could be my potential new home
• i have been out for lunch 4 days in a row
• i have eaten creme brule twice in as many days

tweet tweet

here are a few things i would have tweeted (if i was a tweeter) this past week while in san francisco:

i just witnessed san franciscan road rage: ‘in front of you, fag!’ followed by ‘woah, lesbian bitch!’

just realised that i carry no less than 10 lip glosses around with me when i had to put them in a plastic bag to go through airport security.

i am in heaven. otherwise known as the petite section of banana republic.

i just ate mexican food that nearly made me cry. it still might.

wow, that’s gay.

i am not sure if my bartenders play on my team, but they keep pouring me wine.

just rode an elevator that i’m pretty sure doubles as the homeless’ toilet.

totally rocking the dress/pant combo because i got too cold and had to buy a pair of pants.

going into an unmarked club down an alleyway in an industrial part of a city i do not know. totally safe.

sitting on a balcony in an old victorian house drinking pink champagne overlooking the city and the bay. magical.

in a matter of 5 minutes saw a man preaching abstinence and telling me that jesus loves me and asked to sign a petition overturning prop 8.

just ordered my coffee in spanish, by accident.

in the castro, feels like a pilgrimage. and i am not even a gay man.

iced coffee with mint in the castro with my san franciscan tour guide/bartender/date.

i could live in the fitting rooms of antropologie and come out at night to admire all their wares.

no frye boots in my size. shame.

red wine + clam chowder + view of the ocean + cute hispanic servers = why don’t i live here?

some streets smell considerably better than others. like this one.

seeing black homeless people is strange to me. homeless people in calgary don’t tend to be black, do they. interesting observation.

yowsa! forgot about the terror alert level announcements at the airports. no wonder everyone’s paranoid.

the cure for a hangover = panna cotta + fish tacos + heirloom tomatoes + blue bottle coffee.

organic raspberries are not necessary sweet raspberries.

i think i love facials. and magi, who did mine.

when he asked if he could give me another croissant with my purchase, who was i to say no?

even the people working in the retail shops seem happy to be helping you!

is my flight delayed because my pilot is trying to floss a seed out of his teeth?!

brain on skull

i insist that you get over to whoopee and read her latest post. it almost made me forget that my brain is sitting on the inside of my skull from drinking red wine last night.

i ordered just one glass and then there i was sitting politely as the bartender continued to fill my glass and then the next thing i knew, i was shooting tequila (really good tequila too!) with the two bartenders at a restaurant called LuLu in san francisco...

now i must find a coffee, lots of water, and some diner that will serve me greasy food within a few minutes' walking distance so i can get on with my exploring of this fabulous city.