deep breaths

after moaning about not knowing what i should be when i grow up, recently some options have materialized.  my recent flurry of job applications has resulted in 3 job interviews this week.  i've only heard back from 1 of them and i have the option of moving to azerbaijan if that were to tickle my fancy.

and it might.  it is just that i am still not really clear on what my next move should be.  and yet i am also perilously aware that this indecision can turn into paralysis.*  but so many factors need to be weighed.  salary, contract length, career direction, my interest in the roles, levels of responsibility, distance from the people i love.

more than anything, i am wondering if i am ready to relocate after coming to liberia just 2 months ago.  and after another few months in another location, if i will be ready to pick and leave again.  perhaps i could do it for a year or so, but the idea of having a home base once again is rather appealing.

but what is equally appealing is more field-based experience and more travel and adventure (even if adventure means sitting by my pool in tropical heat in december).  and i keep thinking it is a mutually exclusive decision, but maybe i need to think more creatively and explore ways to achieve both a sense of home and stability with the challenge and excitement of 'the new.'

i sense a few pro/con lists in my immediate future.  and more than a few reminders of deep breaths and that this decision, like all that have preceded it, is not the last i will make and that it is just as much ok to say no as it is to say yes.

* paralysis is a rather tricky word to spell without spellcheck.

a lot to process

i am just going to ease back into this blogging thing.  even though i HAVE made a deal to blog twice weekly.

and not that i haven't had about a thousand ideas of stuff to write about as i prepare to pick up my life and relocate to monrovia, liberia in 1 short week.

but baby steps.

and today those baby steps revolve around my panic that air canada's flight attendants have decided to strike as of this thursday.  the first legs of my journey are with air canada so here i am on thanksgiving sunday worrying that i might not be able to get to monrovia.  and this is all complicated with the fact that only 3 days after i arrive, i am booked on a non-refundable flight to casablanca, morocco.  eesh.

and this comes at a time where i am struggling with so many conflicting emotions.  i suppose that it goes without saying that leaving your hometown (again), your job, your house, and your network and friends and family, is tough.  the goodbyes, the realization that i will miss months, if not years, of my new niece's life, and knowing that i am leaving a vibrant social network is sad.

this is tempered with the excitement i have for moving to a new country, a new city, and a new house that promises to bring adventure and hold a bright future.  i am thrilled to be able to enjoy a holiday to morocco, christmas in tanzania, and daily life in a city that will certainly mystify, confound, and surprise me in equal measure.  i was ready for a change, as evidenced by my moaning for months about figuring out what i want to be when i grow up, and here it is.  it just happens to come with a lot of thoughts, feelings, and stress.  but then again, if it were easy, everyone would do it.  and if it weren't a challenge, i probably wouldn't be interested.

what a weekend

with weekends like the past two i have had in calgary, i could be convinced never to leave the city.

my weekend started a little early with a shopping trip that ended with new sweaters, a dress i can wear to a stampede festivity this july, tights that remind me eerily of my figure skating days, new fashionable belts, a few little things for my future niece, and a feather for my hair.

i got to try out the new kol3 in kensington for vietnamese crepes and iced coffees with a good friend i met through my current job.  and we followed it up with a cold beer at molly malone's to continue our conversation about all things relationships, career directions, house shopping, women's rights, office gossip...  not sure that we solved the world's problems, but we certainly had a great time catching up.

saturday morning was chillier than i had hoped, with spring shyly poking its head around the corner this past week, so after running back into my house to add a layer, i headed out for a lovely morning run.  even though there was some pesky ice on the pathways, i had a great run paired with non-stop chatting with a dear friend facing some pretty daunting challenges at the moment.  more listening than talking on my part, but that was just fine.

i headed out to my neighbourhood pub on saturday evening with a new chum from work to see a local band play.  the band was pretty medium, but the company and laughs were pretty awesome.  getting a taxi home at the end of the night when the snow started falling, not so awesome.

and today, a day of phone calls and catching up with friends far away and family nearby was followed by some comfort cooking.  after stirring and stirring and adding and adding liquid, i created a most delicious risotto paired with homemade pesto that i whipped up in my food processor (without cutting my finger this time).  i needed some time in the kitchen to relax and forget momentarily about the state of the world, which was weighing heavily on my shoulders after following the stories of cote d'ivoire, japan, libya, yemen, bahrain, and haiti on twitter and the news this past week.  sometimes having a constant stream of information can work against your sanity and sense of contentment and if there is a silver lining in this cloud it is that i am getting better at recognising when that is happening to me so i can take a step back.  and that is what i did tonight with fantastic results and a lot of leftovers!

the need for distance and perspective is at the heart of my intentions in giving up impatience for lent.  it has been a good practice thus far and i have not only recognised when i begin to get antsy or worrisome about my future, but have reminded myself not to allow that anxiety to creep in and that if i really want to worry, i can do it in a few short weeks.  reshaping my thinking around my future and how i can get so anxious about it has also helped me appreciate what i do have.  the grass might be greener for me elsewhere, but it is pretty damn green where i am right now as well.  and having a weekend full of pretty wonderful friends is part of that.

wherein i use a few caps

ever since i woke up on january 1, 2011, i have felt a change a'coming.  i have no idea what it will be nor when it will come, but i feel ready for it.

going to new york inspired me to get my arse in gear to get out into the world again and find something else to to for a little while.  to not be afraid to leave the comforts of my home town again and to explore a little more, knowing that there is a whole lot of awesome to come home to anytime i choose.  the beauty of an economy fuelled by a commodity-driven industry that is on the up once again, i suppose.

i cleaned out my closets, giving away a bunch of stuff and consigning some others (wherein i chose not to consign my clothes at one shop because they give all the unsold merchandise to an 'orphanage in africa' and couldn't answer me which of the 50+ countries they were referring to nor why they made the orphanage pay for the shipping of the clothes to their magical unnamable part of the continent).  i updated my vaccines, passing out in the process, so that if i feed the urge to up and leave to a yellow feverish place, i will be covered (in fact, the reason i am up right now, even though it is midnight and i have a week full of early morning and it is the day of the year that daylight savings kicks your ass is because i forgot i have to take a live typhoid vaccine on an empty stomach and well, my stomach is not empty.

i have also decided to give up impatience and self doubt for lent.  yes, i know this is not in the typical spirit of lent, but i needed a time frame and well, it was conveniently timely (is saying conveniently timely redundant??).  i am reminding myself that everything has worked out thus far and will continue to do so, in a time frame that is never going to end or stop and as i have always said, there is no finish line and the whole success is not a destination thing (i think you can find some lame quote from me on the interwebs about that, actually).

i am trying to remember that an opportunity will come my way.  no sense in worrying or fretting that time is passing me by (I AM GETTING OLDER, OH MY GOD, I AM BEHIND... you get the idea).  if the past two years are any indication, opportunities find me and i do my best to put myself right in their path as best i can.  i feel as though i have done that now and so now i just wait.

but waiting is not so bad.  last week i braved the -20* temperatures and went to the joshua radin, cary brothers, laura jansen show and it was amazing.  as i said on twitter, it made me want to fall in love and break up again and again.  well, not really, but they sure did make it sound poetic and romantic and wonderful and heart wrenching.  and a concert at the former silver dollar action centre?  not so bad, especially if you like a little greasy pizza with your handsome singer/songwriters.

i followed that up with so many pints, breakfasts, coffees, and dinners with so many inspiring, intelligent, and hilarious people this past week that i was pleasantly reminded that i am surrounded by a community of people and i have a few greatest fans out there, which is always a nice boost to the confidence.

oh, and i ate at boxwood, which was a chorizon/polenta delight, had breakfast at wake in kensington, where they brew a strong cup of coffee and make mean eggs benedict, and had a perfectly poured latte at vendome cafe.  so if you are in the city, go try those newcomers to the ever expanding culinary/coffeehouse scene around these parts.

ready for this

apart from a really kick ass trip to an amazing city, my visit to new york was actually for another reason entirely and i just appended my own fun to the end of a 5 day training session.  as these things often do, it certainly had its ups and its downs, but my overall impression was a positive one and i felt that i walked away with practical skills and a pocket full of contacts that could potentially be helpful for future professional gigs.

i prepared myself before going that i would likely be the odd one out, the one who is not currently based 'in the field' and who doesn't have scathes of emergency experience, but has been selected just like everyone else to attend.  surprisingly, this didn't feel like an impediment throughout the time and i am not sure if that was because i was ready for it, i am more confident now than when i was last in one of these situations, or the other participants and facilitators weren't dickheads.  i think it was a little from columns a, b and c.

the best part of it all was that at a few different points, i thought to myself, i can do this.  and not only can i do this, i think i could do it well.  as someone who regularly battles with self doubt, internal criticisms, obsessive thinking, and anxiety, this was good, very good.

the best part of the entire experience was a few days after it finished and i was wandering my way around new york city (rather than long island, where we had been holed up for the training), when i got an email telling me that i was an asset to the training and asking if i was interested in potential positions that could come up.  with a resounding yes, i politely responded and there was a little back and forth.  i suspect it all comes down to waiting on funding, but i was happy to be considered after what felt like a 5 day job interview.  i guess i passed.

but.  of course there is a but!  but, now i haven't head for a few weeks and i am terrified that all this momentum is going to come to a screeching halt and i will be Stuck.  with a capital S.  and that is the terrifying part.  i have spent the better part of the past 2 years rebuilding, settling and repairing.  and now i am ready to head back out into the big, bad world.

last year i thought that i wasn't strong enough or interested enough or something enough to start again in a new city or a new country alone.  for a long time, i had in my head that i would only ever being doing that with someone.  well, that someone isn't around and hasn't been for a few years now, but it took me awhile to feel strong enough and excited enough to uproot again and start a new job and build a new life in a new place.  and now that i feel that i am there, i am scared that an opportunity is not going to come my way.  i will keep applying for things that interest me, but the anxiety is creeping in.

and this after i had some serious conversations with myself about what i would be giving up if i left calgary now.  the stability, the money, the closeness with my family, the familiarity, the nest...  and although i am still not sure how i would manage all that change, i feel like i would figure it out.  but now i just need the opportunity to allow me the chance to figure it out.

eesh.

and there you have it, interwebs, that is what has been on my mind for the past few weeks since returning from new york.  i needed a shake up, but i am also feeling impatient and just want to get on with things now that i have made a decision.  so, universe, are you listening?

29 + 12 = 30!

i made it!  survived 2010, a sometimes trying year, and my 29th year.  i warmly welcomed my 3rd decade with a wonderful birthday with deliveries of flowers and cupcakes, hilarious ecards, wonderful presents, and well wishes from across canada and the united states, ireland, georgia, kenya, south africa, the philippines, australia, the uk, italy, thailand, mexico, bermuda, africa's newest country of south sudan, japan, france, and afghanistan!


and here is how my 9 for 29 goals shaped up (or, in a few cases, shipped out!):


1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this last month of 29 has left me feeling content and calm, not normally my modus operandi, and at peace with my future.  part of that has come from knowing i get to go to new york next week for more un speak and potential career connections.  i certainly have had some down days, but overall, i feel as though i am entering my 30s in a much more solid place in terms of anxiety and stronger than recent years in my 20s.  exciting and reassuring.  but as i have said all year, this battle might be won, but there will be a constant war against anxiety in my world.


2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. i can't really remember the motivation behind setting this goal, but i feel as though i managed ok.  i am not sure that i improved much on previous years, but i maintained my thoughtfulness and tried to observe special events and occasions of those around me.
interestingly, i find this much more difficult now that there are so many ways to communicate with your friends, family, and acquaintances and more places to store information.  i used to have 1 daytimer and a phone that received calls.  now i carry a blackberry, an iphone, AND a daytimer and i need to streamline this whole system so that i know when people's birthdays are without having to rely on facebook to tell me.


3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  this year, i got to visit a friend in vietnam, my dad on vancouver island twice, and many friends and near-family in south africa.  i had intended on doing more travelling within north america, but the cost and timing didn't work out during 29.  i STILL have washington dc and chicago on my travel list and am hoping to get to at least one of those in the coming year.  i will get to see some old friends from my nairobi days while i am in new york next week and that should be lovely.  


4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  remember what i said last month?  yes, that 2011 will be the Year of Direction!  i hadn't done a lot of work to get to the bottom of this goal in the last year.  i did a lot of thinking and a lot of worrying and even a little daydreaming over the past year, but not a lot of the work that i think will be necessary to help me to get to where i want to be.  or figure out where i want to be.  that might be a better place to start.


5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  the nest egg is there.  but it is more like a robin's egg when i wish it was an ostrich egg.  i think that as long as i stay in calgary, this will be moved higher on my list of priorities.  as life planning goes, this is one of those elements that needs to be there so that i can do whatever it is that i want to do (once i figure that bit out...).


i am not bad with money per se, i am just still unsure of how much money i should be spending on my house, on entertainment, on food, on travelling, on savings, on investments...
but i have a new(ish) friend who is a financial planner and i might hit him up for some advice or business once i am back from new york.


6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. i don't know what has happened to me over the past few weeks, but i have been a human garbage can, eating cheeseburgers, chips, pizza, chocolate, and ever other bad thing within my reach.  i am not normally a compulsive eater, but i can't seem to stop once i get started (typically in the evenings) and nothing satisfied me.


i hadn't been cooking, but i am back on that train and have brought out the slow cooker and my newest addition to my kitchen, a kichenaid food processor (that did nick my finger during its installation on my counter resulting in a lot of blood).


throughout the year, i fluctuated between eating really regular and healthy meals to forgetting to eat until 4pm or munching on crap late into the night.  this will likely always be the case, but man does it feel gross if my eating habits are not in order (like now).    


7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  there were some weeks there in the fall that i could have slept for hours and hours and right through the morning, but lately i have been getting by on less sleep and that is probably a good thing.  mostly because i have actually been getting out of bed when my alarm goes off and waking up relatively rested and ready for the day.


part of what makes it easier not to sleep and sleep and sleep is not being on any anti-anxiety medication, which makes me rather sleepy (although i do still miss the technicolour dreams) and being busy, which means that i don't have the option of hitting snooze (well, more than twice) and have to get my arse out of my bed.
one thing that i do notice is that if i haven't started the week with sufficient sleep, i play catch up all week and never feel as though i am well rested until friday night where i am useless and just want to put pyjamas on and sit beside the fireplace.


8 - maintain my priorities.  perhaps one of the challenges of this goal was that i never officially stated my priorities, but i do think i made sure that when i was becoming overwhelmed with one job or the other, that i took a step back and did something for myself.  one area that i feel as though i should've made a stronger effort to prioritise was physical fitness and running.  after my half marathon training ended last spring, i ran a little bit here and a little bit there, but without any specific goals or program.  i like the fact that after a few weeks without running, i can hammer out a 10km run without much difficulty, but i know i need to replace running (or something physical) back in my list of priorities moving forward.


9 - keep asking for what i want.  i did a really good job of this during 29.  when i wanted something, i asked for it.  most often, i got what i asked for, and the times that i didn't didn't turn out so bad either.  i am heading to new york next week because i asked for something and i have already asked a few people there to meet with me to explore opportunities and chat about life in new york.


i started my 30th year with a job offer in my inbox (but sadly, i do not speak the francaise, which i really should get back on one of these days...) an even though that wasn't a suitable post for me, i do feel as though that once i figure out what i want, i will certainly be asking for it!


***


i am not sure if i will draft goals for my 30th year.  if i do, i want them to be more specific so that i can use them to stay on track rather than recap what i have been up to and see if it fits.  i think goals are important, but i do thin that to make them effective and useful, i really should spend quality time unpacking what it is that i want and how that would translate into goals for the coming year.


work in progress, i tell ya!

29+12

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  considering the craziness the holidays can bring, i felt relatively calm.  i think my anxiety had to take a back seat to my head cold right before christmas as i laid low and tried to get well before the holiday season took over.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. i hope that everyone liked my gifts for christmas, i feel pretty good about that what i chose to give (apart from the gift card overload for one brother because no one ever knows what to get him).  having spent the past weekend at a wedding, i feel that those around me knew how important they are, it really was lovely.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  as much as i want to visit friends and family who live in different places, i now have a spare room and a sofa bed to welcome guests!  

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  i have deemed 2011 the year of the life plan.  a year where i hope i find my next path that will provide me with direction towards a goal.  i am still debating about a potential career opportunity and mainly because i am still struggling to answer the question where do i want to be? and what do i want to do?

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  not planning international travel makes it a little easier on the budget.  christmas was pricey in some regards, but i am starting 2011 with a small nest egg and some organisation around my finances, although there is certainly a long way to go and a lot for me to learn.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. i have not been cooking too often as there have been so many meals to be eaten with friends and family recently, but they have been pretty stellar and i have eaten well, if not made the healthiest choices...  in my post-new years day wedding hangover, i ate wendy's today and as i was dipping a chip in ketchup, i realised that i also had chips with a burger yesterday afternoon for lunch!  whoops.    

7 - sleep an appropriate amount. while battling my pre-hoilday illness, i slept a lot.  i think it helped.  and it was quite lovely not to wake up to an alarm to be in the office during my recent staycation.  i am not one to make new year's resolutions or to believe the new year really begins in january (i still contend that the year turns over and new beginnings happen in the fall), i think that getting my life in order is at the top of my list.  less going out, better sleeping patterns, and making sure that early mornings are not a rarity but a regular occurrence.

8 - maintain my priorities.  i have enjoyed a slower december and like i just said in #7, i am going to get my life better organised in hopes that it will bring clarity of what 2011 will be about.  and more importantly, what i want it to be about.  i guess i have not so much maintained my priorities, but set myself up to nail down some priorities.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  i applied to go to new york in february with unicef for training and the first email that i got on new years day was confirmation that i have been selected to participate!  i suppose that is a pretty good way to kick off the new year.  but what is most important is that i need to do better at figuring out what i want to ask for.  that is what 2011 will be about.  or so i hope!

29+11

i am late again on the monthly goal update.  and i am almost through my 29th year!  yay.  and eek.  and wow.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  eesh.  constant battle.  uphill and then some downhill.  and then there was november.  it was tough.  but it is over!  anxiety can be a temperamental bitch.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. with the upcoming holiday season, i am trying to keep on top of this and have confidence that i will.  i also have some bits and bobs to send off to friends in south africa so i had better get those in the post asap.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  my next trip will hopefully be a visit with dear friends in the states, although the details are yet to be finalised.  and i will have a parental house guest over christmas so there will certainly be plenty of visiting!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  remember the anxiety surrounding november?  well, much of it was related to this.  i have gathered quite the momentum over the past few years, culminating in recognition as one of the top leaders in my city under 40, but that recognition has made me wonder 'now what?'  and worry about how i can improve and grow.  this should be a time where i am able to focus on opportunity, but sometimes having too many choices can be equally overwhelming as not having enough.  i am not complaining, just working through the kinks.  in doing so, i really hope a pathway emerges towards a goal...

then again, i feel like i have been saying that months on end!

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  doing well!  i also overcame a slight panic about my corporate taxes and how much i owed the government by talking with my accountant this past month.  i am in good shape and set for the upcoming fiscal year.  even if i have spent the better part of my afternoon at work looking up cheap beach vacation packages!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. two months running for a fat goose egg!  i have been cooking more regularly at home and whipping up some delicious meals.  after spending a hung over sunday afternoon watching anthony bourdaine's cooking show where he taught his viewership how to make a delightful beef bourguinon, i decided to try my own hand at the classic french dish.  at 10pm.  on a tuesday. 

everything was going well until i was frying the pearl onions in butter and oil on my stove (it was 11:15pm by this point) and my smoke alarm went off!  which means it does not just go off in my own building, but in the three buildings in my townhouse complex!!  meaning that everyone had to either put up with the high pitched screeching that the alarm makes or wait out in the -10 degree cold while we waited for the firefighters to come and reset the alarm!!!

except for me, who hid in my house and thought it best that i clean up my entire kitchen, put my cook book away, take off my apron, and make a feeble attempt to hide all evidence that it was me who was cooking at 11pm!

but, perhaps arrogantly, i did not turn the bourguinon off as to not interrupt its delicious cooking process in the oven.  and it truly was a delight when it was done cooking.  and after the smoke alarm went off.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount. during periods of intense anxiety, one of my coping mechanisms (healthy or not) is to sleep.  and then sleep some more.  i know it helps my mind turn off for awhile, but it certainly gets in the way of actual real, wakeful life when you sleep for 12 hours in a day.  as my mood has improved, so has my sleeping schedule and i have intentionally scheduled a lot more down time during the month of december to make sure i am not overworked or overburdened with too many social or professional commitments.

8 - maintain my priorities.  as i just mentioned, i have made a mindful decision not to book myself up too much this month and it has resulted in a happier, more balanced me.  i am still not totally sure what my priorities would be if i listed them or what order they would appear, but simply having ME at the top has been good for my spirit.  i think this is something i will need to spend more time on in the new year and it will likely have a positive impact on goals 1 and 4 as well.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  i recently asked to go to a training on working with the aboriginal community in canada that was approved (and paid for!) at work (but since postponed until the new year).  i suspected raising my hand at work will be necessary and beneficial for me in the coming months, but i am going to make sure i am asking for the work that i want to do and am interested in.
 
i have also asked for a reorganisation in my non-profit work.  the outcome of this restructuring could mean that i can take a step back by hiring someone who will work under me and take care of administrative tasks to free my time for higher level discussions, relationship building, and capacity building.  and that will all be good.
 
i also made a christmas list!  and it includes sparkling water because that stuff is heavy, yo!  and i struggle to carry it home from the grocery store.  it is so delicious and one of my guilty pleasures (along with cooking beef bourguinon late at night!)

pardon the rant

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29+8

i just realised that i hadn't updated my goals for october, so here they are!

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  i had a little anxiety around social engagements last week, especially to go to events where i was the focus of the attention, but i feel on top of things this week and rather optimistic about the future, which is great.  and wards off the anxiety.  but i do miss those wild dreams on anti-anxiety meds!

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  texts, cards, calls.  just need to work on the gifts, especially as it is coming up to christmas season and i want to make sure that i am not scrambling to pick stuff up for the people on my list.  i am hoping to think of some good ideas.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  i don't have any plans for trips to see anyone after my whirlwind trip of visiting in south africa.  but i do have a lot of fun events coming up with friends and family.  birthday dinners, birthday drinks, ladies christmas pot-luck, baking day, wine tasting with the girls, bridal showers and stagettes, family christmas traditions to look forward to, and the icing on the cake will be a close friend's wedding in banff.  i think it will be a pretty fantastic holiday season and i am going to get things started early (which i figure is completely acceptable because starbucks has released the red cups, marking the official beginning of the holiday season!  well, sort of).

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  this is connected to #1.  i feel good about what is to come.  it has been wonderful to get credit for a job well done in my current positions and for my managers and high ups to congratulate me on my accomplishments.  my company advertised in the same magazine that i was featured in and in the ad they said that i was compassionate, committed, and deserving of the accolade.  my past 9 months have been taken over with thoughts of 'what next?' and 'where to?' and not feeling as though i am doing what i should be.  i am still not sure what the answers to those questions are, but i am content with where i am professionally and that is the best i have felt about #4 all year.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  i'm laying off the international travel for awhile.  that should help in the savings department.  and so will looking forward to the next tax season, eesh.  working so much is keeping my expenses down as i rarely have time to go out and buy frivolous things.  oh, except for my betsey dress.  but that was a deal!  and for an event!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  this one gets a big, old fail.  i have only been for groceries since returning from south africa a few weeks ago (and once for a single celery stalk that cost $0.31) and have little to make a meal out of in my house.  so instead, i grab something on my way home from work.  this week i have had a vietnamese sub, souvlaki, won ton soup, left over pizza, and a frozen pizza i scrounged out of my freezer.  and this evening my snack was a can of mushrooms, which i know disgust some people, but they are one of my secret guilty food pleasures!

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  this waxes and wanes.  some mornings i wake up feeling peppy and ready for the day and others, i feel like i could just scrunch down further under my duvet and turn my alarm off.  i spent most of sunday catching up on sleep/feeling rather hung over, but the larger problem is working 12 hours in a day and not having enough time at the end of it to unwind.  i have found that a few glasses of wine help!

8 - maintain my priorities.  although i am not exactly sure what my priorities are, i feel as though they are in check.  or at the least, they are not out of balance at the moment.  leaving calgary and canada behind always helps me to do this and being in south africa certainly did.  maybe the first step to really achieving this is to establish my priorities...

9 - keep asking for what i want.  well, soon i will be asking for the removal of support of an organisation that i don't agree with at work and that sort of counts.  i have been given a number wonderful things lately and i feel like right now, i don't need to ask for a thing.  instead, i feel like i have a lot to give.

29+7

i am a bit early this month, but i suspect i will have a rather busy 8 days before i leave for south africa with my mama, so i am updating my monthly goals before i head off.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this has been easy this month and i am not quite sure why.  i have been rather busy and continue to feel stretched, but i am not worrying.  i am not panicking.  i am ok.  it's a nice change.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  my little bro and i are going to see kooza, the cirque du soleil show in calgary at the moment, tomorrow to celebrate his 18th birthday (my little brother is an adult!).  and my first christmas gift (for giving, of course) arrived in the mail.  we celebrated my mom's birthday at our cabin at the beginning of the month and we were not scrambling to figure out who was going to get what, it was pleasant and a lot of fun.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  seeing as flying to south africa and touring around the winelands and whale trail after a week in cape town is rather pricey, i think this might be it for this year!  but i have managed to get quite a bit of visiting with my dad in and that was a nice change this year.  still no trips to eastern canada or the states, but i am still committed to making those trips happen one day.  for now, i am satisfied with the time i will spend with friends in south africa and i might even get a chance to see the woman i lived with in bredasdorp, south africa over 5 years ago!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  hmpf.  still no closer.  my one grand hope for my time in south africa is that i will take advantage of the distance from my regular life to get some clarity on what my next steps are.  i keep waiting for the universe to show me the best path, but i'd be lying if i didn't admit that i am getting a little impatient.  faith in the journey, faith in the journey...

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  i've been careful with my pennies lately.  this won't be enough to lay a nest egg, but it will allow me to enjoy my time in the southern hemisphere and know i will be coming back to get right back into my job(s), not only because i will have to catch up on 3 weeks away, but also so i can earn some money!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  i certainly am not mastering this, but i did spend this past saturday canning pickled beets and salsa, yum.  i also made those meatballs last night that were a complete success and me and my slow cooker continue to get to know one another better.  i recently renewed my first aid certification, where i was reminded that we can all do something to improve our heart health and i can certainly eat less red meat (when did that happen?!) and make better food choices.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  success!  apart from this past weekend when i had 2 late nights, i have been doing well and feeling rested in the mornings and even making it into my office at a reasonable hour every now and again.  i am not appreciating the darker mornings as the seasons change and might feel differently about getting out of my cozy sheets in the morning as soon as it cools down and the mornings stay dark until after i arrive at work, but for now, i'll keep motoring along and when i get behind, take an in-the-bed, pants-off nap!

8 - maintain my priorities.  this has certainly been a struggle lately, with competing demands of 2 jobs, a volunteer commitment, and juggling social engagements and fitness.  i have found some sort of balance lately and i am not convinced it is permanent, but my decision to get a housekeeper and to say no to invitations from friends and family have helped for the time being.  again, when i return from south africa i am going to have to have a bit of an overhaul on the priority front and i am not sure just yet how the chips will fall.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  i can't really think of anything i have asked for lately.  oh wait, i have asked for some help and guidance on projects for work, which has been endlessly helpful and was instrumental in creating better balance this past month.  i walked away from work and put my worries away more than usual this past month and in a sense, that is a form of asking for what i want.  even if it is a conversation i have to have with myself.

i am still working on the first piece of this goal - figuring out what i want in order to know how and who to ask for it.  i have confidence this is coming down the pipeline.  as my mentor at work says, 'as soon as you feel you have no idea what to do next or where to turn, you can be sure that the universe is setting you up for something and you won't know it until you look back.'

i am feeling as though my goal updates are not that interesting or positive these past few months and in many ways, they match my ho-hum attitude.  i am going to work on keeping these a little closer to my thoughts throughout the next month and have something super fantastic to say in a few short weeks!

29+6

i am affectionately referring to this past month as the beginning of the home stretch.  29 has not been my favourite year so far and although i have faith that it is going to clean up its act for these last months, i am still looking forward to saying adios to my 20s and with it, the deceptive 29.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this goal has become almost boring!  i haven't really figured how exactly how not to feel anxious and it normally pops up (as it always has) when i am in new social situations and have to make conversation, but all i can think of is 'say something, say something, try and relate, try and relate, say something, something, anything.'

there were certainly a few of those moments this past month.  one where i solved (?!) the problem by drinking wine and then some more wine.  i think i followed that up with a ceasar and then maybe, a beer.  as you can imagine, this was not exactly the solution i should have been looking for and i ended up that girl without her shoes on, barefoot on the side of a busy road while her date hails a cab.  pretty much, my finest moment of 29...

but i find that getting enough sleep and connecting with people who are also struggling with a sense of identity, purpose, and belonging helps a lot in the anxiety battle department.  and reminding myself that even if nothing seems to make sense right now, there is probably something a-brewing that will materialise shortly.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  still ok.  still not fantastic.  but working on it.  in fact, i bought cards and gifts for upcoming events.  so there.  but still a distance to go to win this one.  sadly, i have been so self-absorbed in my funk i don't think i have given this goal enough of my energies.  lame.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  my plane ticket to cape town is booked and paid for!  sadly, the visits i was looking forward to where friends from my past, international life were going to be stopping into the yyc were dashed and i am still longing for trips to cities in eastern canada and the us, but i must be realistic and acknowledge that they likely won't happen during 29.

but 30 looks like it might have a trip in store for me.  a 30th celebration trip, in fact.  a 30th celebration trip with my best friend.  but the details are yet to be worked out.  just a daydream at this time.

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  errr...  i could sum up a lot of my frustrations over the past few weeks and months by struggling to come to any sort of answer on this one.  so far i have got as far as 'i don't want to be doing what i am doing for too much longer.'  and i guess knowing that is better than not.  but still, is it so hard to know what you want to be when you grow up?!

although it has been a constant thought on my mind, in the past few days i have felt closer to knowing.  nothing yet to divulge to the universe (and it isn't even clear enough in my own head to attempt to put down in coherent sentences yet), but somehow, someway, i am finding clarity around what i want to be doing in a year's time.

these past two years working in the private sector have been wonderful experience and i now see a career path that i didn't even know existed previously.  i don't see exactly how it twists and turns or where it leads, but i was recently asked what advice i would give to someone who would like to be where i am now and my answer?  to allow the path to take you where it will and to always be flexible, accept challenges, and figure out the details later.

perhaps it is time to take my own advice (um, hello?!  are you so blind?!  this seems rather obvious!) so that is how i am approaching the second half of 29.  a little faith, more hard work, and confidence in the journey.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  eesh.  that is all i have.  not an i-can't-pay-my-mortgage eesh, but just an eesh.  maybe an i-could-really-use-a-budget eesh or even an can-i-pay-someone-to-get-handle-on-incoming-and-outgoing-cash eesh, but certainly no where near an i-am-irresponsible-with-money eesh.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  this slow cooker is doing wonders for my nutrition!  i eat at home more often and have meals full of vegetables (and meat, because it turns out that a lot of slow cooker recipes call for meat...).

but i did have chocolate cake and coffee for dinner this evening...  and because i ate a lot of lacklustre, light weight, dehydrated meals on my hike on vancouver island, i have been 'rewarding' myself with my guilty pleasure of cheeseburgers more often than is healthy.

i feel as though with the changing of the seasons and the impending cool down of autumn, i will be in my kitchen and entertaining more often meaning i will be eating well and sharing food with family and friends.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  i have really been enjoying my sleeps lately, which is so important as there is nothing better than being out on a saturday night and just looking forward to coming home, crawling into bed, and doozing off knowing no alarm will be waking you.  and in the morning, when i am not exhausted and can get up and at 'em instead of needing a few extra minutes (about 10 times) because i don't wake up rested on a sunday morning because i have been overtired all week is a triumph.

clean sheets, a hot bath (with epson salts courtesy of my mama), and a good book has been just the ticket.  and much needed as i have overcome some rather trying days at my day job in the past few weeks.

8 - maintain my priorities.  really, this should just be all the previous goals wrapped into one.  if i could stay on top of all the last 7, then this one would come naturally.  unfortunately, that wasn't really the case this past month.  and part of it was because i was absolutely tuckered right out at the end of a work day that i didn't want to do anything afterwards and that included doing fun things or social things or educational things.  so i became sort of boring and lazy.  but i have had some lovely, low-key weekends (both at the cabin and in the city) and i managed to refocus and am rounding out the month on a high.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  come to think of it, i haven't asked for too much this month.  thrown a few more job applications into the mix and sent some good vibes to the universe, but haven't articulated exactly what i want.  but part of that is because i am not exactly sure that i know.  or i haven't had the confidence to state what i want.  but i am getting there and once i do, i might just come knocking on your door with a request.

ted talk recommendations

i have spent my morning cleaning, doing laundry, ironing, and listening to ted talks, which is such a wonderful website about 'ideas worth sharing' and if you have not already taken a perusal through their wonderful videoed lectures (there is an iphone application too for when i am at work!), here are a few talks that struck a nerve or a chord with me this morning, take a look if you have some free time.

***

i have never been a fan of wwf, but its vp who deals with corporate social responsibility and sustainability makes a number of good connections and conclusions about third party verifications, the challenges of putting the decision on sustainable consumption on the consumer, and highlights some success stories of how changes have been made in industries without our even knowing.

i recently went to a lecture by alan knight of the virgin group (of richard branson fame) around third party verification in the forestry industry and what the oilsands of alberta can learn from that experience.  and this was a really nice compliment to that information and is something, to a very brief degree, contend with in my day job.

jason clay: how big brands can help save biodiversity

***

steve jobs gave a commencement address at stanford in 2005 and i absolutely love his message and the story of how he got his start and then kept moving.  i did not realise that he was an adopted child and that he had been publicly fired from apple years ago.  moving and inspiring and a great reminder not to dwell on negative even if it is difficult to suspend judgement in the moment.  (and something i direly need to be reminded of in 2010.)

steve jobs: how to live before you die

***

new york senator diane j savino makes the case for the legalisation of same sex marriage and while i don't necessarily agree with her perspective that even same sex couples should have the right to be as miserable as everyone else as i believe that it doesn't matter what the result of a marriage, all consenting adults should have access to the institution (although i do understand that this line of argumentation might be a line that resonates the best with those whose opinions in the senate she was attempting to influence), i completely agree with her take on the role of government in marriage in a democratic state.

diane j savino: the case for same sex marriage

***

two people speak about choice and they both have really valuable insight into how western developed countries can be improved and deteriorated by the powers associated with choice.

malcolm gladwell speaks to an audience about how to ask the question of what people want in different ways to get more accurate information with the intent of keeping people happy by offering them more choice.

malcolm gladwell: spaghetti sauce

alternatively, and more to my line of thinking on this concept, is barry schwartz who wrote a book entitled the paradox of choice, which i have been meaning to read for years.  he speaks to the idea that the more choices we have, the less satisfied we are with the selection with ultimately make.  i know that this is true for me - when i go to a restaurant with a huge menu i get overwhelmed and am never happy with my final choice because what could it have been like if i picked something else.  for this reason alone, i like eating at fancier restaurants who dictate the menu and refuse to allow substitutions.

schwartz connects the reduction in satisfaction with higher levels of depression and anxiety and i certainly know this is the case for me.  i feel as though there is so much i could do, but where do i start and how to pick what to do?  he uses the example of young people getting married and the selection of a mate, which also resonated with me for the same reasons as the lengthy menus as how we cherish and respect freedom not for what it gives us or what it can allow us to do for ourselves, but simply because freedom in and of itself is valuable.  and i am not always so sure this is the case.  watch it and see what he says about shifting the blame in the medical community and why we might not always be the best person to make decisions for ourselves.

barry schwartz: the paradox of choice

ready for fall

it seems i am in the habit of confessions lately.  and here is another one: i am done with summer.

and what is more, i am ready for the cooler days of autumn and the changing of the seasons.

i am sick of waiting for summer to arrive.  it is the third week of august and i had my furnace on this past week!  ridiculous, i tell you.

as much as i am sick of waiting on the weather, i am more excited for the slowing down of my social calendar that comes with september as schedules become more rigid and the pressures of being out and about on any given day decrease.

i have felt such pressure (and certainly, brought on entirely by myself) to MAKE THE MOST OF IT this summer.  although i am sometimes at a loss as to what IT is.  and as much as a walk in the park, a drink on a patio, or a hike in the mountains sound like a lovely way to pass an afternoon, doing it alone is not always as thrilling as doing it with someone.

and while i am being miserly, let me also add that all these festivals and events throughout the city during the summer months are never as good as you expect.  i found myself at the calgary folk fest for the first time this year and every year i always think, 'that always looks like so much fun, why don't i go?'  well, i did go and it was a lot of people in my space, a lot of chaos, and a pain to organise a group of people to meet up and stay in the same area.  all of these events seem to be the same - lots of people (including those dudes with their dogs that insist on taking their shirts off as soon as the thermostat reads 20 degrees), overpriced food, and crowds heaving in the heat/rain/miserable calgary summer weather.

on that note, i am ready for september.  ready for the trees' leaves to change colour and fall.  ready for sweaters, soup, and hot cups of tea.  ready for my schedule to calm down and ready to spend friday evenings at home without any guilt that i should be DOING SOMETHING with bonus points if it is a FUN THING.

i'm ready.

29+5

it's goal update time again!  i am officially 29 and a half tomorrow.  and i have a few bones to pick with 29, but i have faith that it will smarten up for its final half.


1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  i am not feeling anxious lately, which is a good thing.  more of a general frustration and without a lot of direction of what the eff i am doing.  some days, i feel confident, sure that i am on the right path, and something is just around the corner.  but then other days, i am lethargic and melancholy and resemble pig pen surrounded by a cloud of gloom.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  i am doing ok.  not fantastically well, but ok.  and if facebook messages count, then i am on top of my game!  but sadly, that wasn't really the intention of this goal so i am not totally on the ball.  september is a big birthday month in my family though and i am already a little bit ahead of that game, so there's that.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  south africa is certainly in the works and i have sent messages to friends in cape town to see if i can visit with them.  and lucky for me, i have two friends coming to me in august and both are friends i knew in nairobi, one who now lives in east timor and the other in darfur, so it will be grand to catch up with them.


i will also get a visit in with my dad while i am in victoria this weekend (and a ride to the trailhead, yippee!) and am planning on spending more time at my family's cabin in the month of august and even though this is not technically what i had in mind with this goal, i am looking forward to it.

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  um, yeah.  i feel as though this year so far has been the year of opportunities that were not to be, but were so damn close!  there are a few more irons in the fire that could materialise into something, but no word yet on my dream job...

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  apparently 4 day hiking trips can be expensive.  but other than that, i am saving my pennies and will do until i have to fork out the dollars for my plane ticket to cape town.  until then though, my nest egg is coming along.  my new laptop took a chunk out of it, but full time hours, an increase in my billing rates, and freelance writing work are adding up.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  i didn't even eat dinner last night.  in fact, i ate lunch and that was it.  today i didn't eat until 1 and will hopefully remember to eat dinner too.  honestly, living alone in the summer means that i a) eat out a lot or b) don't eat unless i am starving and then just open the fridge and make a meal out of whatever combination of food hasn't gone bad.  the other night it was spinach pasta with gorgonzola cheese and asparagus on the side.  that is one of the better combos i have come up with, normally they include pretzels and dill pickles.  eesh.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  i am sleeping well, even with some of the hot evenings we have had, and have made a point a few nights this month to get to bed early enough to read some of my book before sleeping.  this might sound like something a Normal Person who do Regularly, but i don't and typically end up watching crappy tv (go chris go!) until i am exhausted and haul my behind to my bed. 


oh, this is sort of funny and involves sleeping...  i wanted to try out my new sleeping bag and was lying in it watching more bad tv and i fell asleep only to wake up in a pool of sweat because, hey, guess what?!   my sleeping bag is good up to 10 degrees and it was hot as balls in there when i woke up.  good to know that it will keep me warm this weekend!

8 - maintain my priorities.  i think i am doing well and especially after a spring where i felt pulled in all directions simultaneously, i am approaching a state of balance where i feel i am on top of most things, including my contract positions and my health and fitness (well, apart from the sore hoof).  this applies to all parts of my life except the state of my nest...  and because of the disaster i now find myself living in and because i seem to be able to work my buns off and save my pennies, i figure a good use of those pennies would be to hire someone to keep my nest in a presentable state.  hence, i am going to hire a housekeeper.  da da dun!


i feel slightly like a glutton for this decision, but it makes sense and it will allow me to continue to find balance by being outside to enjoy the summer weather and socialising with my networks while also getting paid work done while i am at home rather than feeling guilty about watching my bad tv when i should be dusting shelves, cleaning fridges, and sweeping floors.  

9 - keep asking for what i want.  i am keeping up with this one.  i haven't asked for anything monumental lately, but i have been giving some deep thought to what it is i do want and putting that out to the universe.  i suspect that when i see something i want, i will have all the confidence to ask for it like i deserve it and that is good enough for the midpoint of 29 as far as i am concerned.

ready or not, juan, here i come!

i am not sure if i have committed myself to something that is far over my head, but in three short weeks, i will be hiking the juan de fuca trail on vancouver island.  i haven't done any overnight hiking in years and haven't been running or doing much of anything too active for weeks, so this might turn out to be the stupidest decision i have ever made or the challenge that i need right now.

it is less than 42km and we will be doing it over 4 days so that is less than 12km per day, which sounds rather doable.  until, of course, i consider i will be carrying everything i need on my back!

i have expressed my anxieties about this endeavour to my friend who i am going with and he has assured me that he will carry the heavy stuff and will be there to make sure that i get up all the hills and across all the puddles.  but still, i am scared.

but considering my recent wobbles and general attitude about my life lately, maybe this is what i need?

it didn't help that when i googled the hike (on my new, as yet unnamed, but beloved) laptop, i found the following quote:

"The Juan de Fuca trail is one of the most difficult trails I've ever hiked. There's tons of mud, puddles, rain, difficult-to-negotiate exposed roots, steep up and downs, blow-downs and cobbles." He also admits, "It's one of the most beautiful regions I've hiked through, but you earn it, that's for sure."

all i am going to say is that there may be tears.

29 + 4

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  remember last month and when i was thrilled with my ability to kick anxiety's ass?  wow, what a difference a month makes.  and as i just mentioned, i do not feel as though i am winning.  no specific anxieties, just a general sense of anxiousness pervading my days.  and i can't kick this idea that time is running out.  time to do what?  i am not sure.  but i do feel like i need to get on with something.  just not sure what that something is.

blah.  working on it, but blah.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special events, days, occasions.  i don't think i have done much of this this month as i have been a little preoccupied with keeping my life together.  one thing that i have done is take on some additional work as my supervisor is going through the death of a family member and i have been happy to do it.  but i still owe my bro $40 because i forgot to bring cash to put in his card and i sent my step-dad a birthday text a day late.  sheesh.  i need to get this one together!

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  i got out to vancouver island for a long weekend of family time and it was absolutely stunning.  my trip to south africa is still in the most initial stages of planning and there is a small, small hope that i migth get to visit friends in another city yet this summer.  fingers crossed!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  let's just say that this one is on hold.  opportunities are coming up with my day job and i managed to get a raise at my part time job, but i am working on the other details.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  unlike previous months this year, this is going better than the rest.  i have been working a lot, which is good for my bank account, and i have not been spending too much (except for that little spree last thursday... oh, the sales got the better of me!).  it helps that tax season is over for me and i have a clue about how much i will have to pay in coming years and can save/spend appropriately.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  just spent the weekend at my fam's cabin and that did wonders for my regular meat eating.  but still when i am at home alone i eat garlic dill pickles for dinner and that likely won't change any time soon!

actually, after the inspiration of regular meals of the cabin, i cooked shrimp for the first time ever tonight.  it was deceptively easy and i will certainly do that again.  because unless i continue to have vegetarian friends over for dinner (as i did a few weeks ago), i will have to expand my cooking repertoir past meat (and by extension, any shell fish) free dishes.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  the jetlag from asia took me quite some time to get over and that put a bit of a damper in my sleeping schedule, but since then!  i have managed to get it together and haven't even been napping much lately.  oh, except for after returning from a conference in banff for work where i certainly did not get enough sleep between 7am meetings and 2am bedtimes.

with stampede around the corner and a few parties already planned, i will surely need to plan for a few extra hours during the 10 days of partying in this town.

8 - maintain my priorities.  i am doing my best to stick with my priorities, but i am afraid that i have not been exercising as much as i should lately and a lot of my energies have been spent on work and on people who might not deserve them so a check is in order and i feel as though i have already started putting things back where they should be and remembering what is important.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  the first thing would be to figure out what it is that i want!  and lately it seems like a moving goal post...