been gone but not forgotten, i hope

(july 3, 2010)

i met someone once (and who it was, i cannot recall, which worries me ever so slightly) that instead of asking how you were doing would question, ‘are you winning?’

and lately, my answer would have been a bellowing ‘no.’ hence my silence on the www front. not that i didn’t have a whole lot to say, just not a lot of motivation to share it with the world.

i am not sure exactly what kicked off the wobbly moment, as my friend so eloquently called it, but it has lasted a good month now and i am one hundred times over this melancholy blue mood.

there are certainly a few things that exacerbated the situation and instead of listing them here, let me just say that there were a few text messages sent to friends recently that said I HATE DATING or I AM GETTING A CAT.

those of you who have been visiting my place on the interwebs for some now will know that i go through periods of not knowing what i want to do be when i grow up. and that, along with text messages in capital letters, seems to be weighing me down lately.

i realise that i don’t need to know exactly what i will BE when i grow up and anyone who meets me would know that i am already rather grown up, if i do say so myself. but i have always required some sense of direction to motivate me to strive to work towards it. and right now, i have a good job, but not one that i can imagine doing in years to come. i have a great nest, but not one that i necessary want to stay in forever. and i don’t feel as though i am living my life as fully as i could.

the logical answer would be to figure out what is ‘missing’ and find it. but that process seems to be tougher than my type a brain would like.

in a strange way, the warmer weather and increasing availability of stuff to do is overwhelming me and making me feel as though i am not taking advantage of my current situation enough. enough, enough, enough, i would like to take that word out of my vocabulary and replace with something that echoes contentment and satisfaction, but i am afraid i won’t be able to until i solve the mystery of what would be enough, enough, enough.

i remember feeling this way when i was coming to the end of the masters degree and in a twist of fate, i was offered a job that previously did not exist in kenya. i am trying to hand this one over to the universe too, but for the last 6 months or so i have felt as though something was just around the corner and now that i am metaphorically around that corner of time and nothing has emerged, i am feeling a little panicky and that sucks a big old egg.