um, hi

so, it's been awhile.

not quite sure why, really.  i just didn't have it in me to write and i was generally sick of listening to myself go on about 'i don't know what i should be doing,' 'i wish i knew what to do with my life,' or 'i sure hope i figure out the next step soon.'

now, i wouldn't say that i have quite figured out the answers to any of those questions, but i have made a pact to write twice a week.

and well, i am moving to liberia without a job, so i have this suspicion that i might have extra time on my hands for doing things like writing.

this return to the blogging world means that i will also be reading more blogs too, which i am equally as excited about!

a review or two

(march 28, 2011)

everyone had been raving about the young singing sensation Adele since her recent album, 21, came out so when i inadvertently purchased it from itunes (i still don’t really know how i managed that), i wasn’t disappointed.

but after a few listen throughs and i am not sure.  it is good.  it is enjoyable.  i love the song Someone Like You, which is heart wrenchingly sad and exactly what i like in my music, but the rest of the album is a little lacklustre.

nevermind, i’ll find someone like you.

i wish nothing but the best for you too

don’t forget me, I beg

i remember you said

sometimes it lasts in love

but sometimes it hurts instead

eesh, i do love me a sad lyric.  and you might recognize the tune from last week’s episode of grey’s anatomy (sidebar: i am totally up in the air about how i feel about that ending.  really, you are going to tell me that callie might float above the rest of the cast for an entire show while we wait to find out if she is dead?  we’ve been here with meredith and of course, she lives.)

another album i bought recently, after seeing her perform live when she recently opened for Joshua Radin and (no The) Cary Brothers is Laura Jansen’s Bells.  she was an amazing live performer, just her and a piano and the most delicate songs gave me goose pimples.

her album is also in the range of medium, but i do love her cover of Kings of Leon’s Use Somebody and i will always remember her telling the story of cutting her own hair after breaking up with a ‘douche bag’ on christmas when i listen to her song Single Girls (which, coincidentally, is awesome).

a band that is making me get up and move lately is Miike Snow, a swedish group that is great to put on your running tunes playlist.  i have been listening to their self titled album over a glass of wine if i am heading out for a night on the town because it makes me smile.  i have no idea how this album came to me, but my favs on it are Burial, Animal, Cult Logic, and Black and Blue.  awesome.

and as i mentioned, i saw Joshua Radin and Cary Brothers in concert (at the century casino, formerly known as the silver dollar action centre, of all places on a sunday afternoon).  I did my homework and listened to both the singer songwriters’ stuff beforehand and have become more obsessed since.  there’s never been anything that compares to listening to men sing about heartbreak.  and as i announced to the twitter world (or twitterverse, as it pains me to write) the whole evening made me want to fall in love and break up over and over again because they made it sound so wonderfully bittersweet.  my favourite Joshua Radin songs are No Envy No Fear, One of Those Days, the most romantical song Today, which he sang for Ellen DeGeneres and Portia di Rossi’s wedding, and You Got Growing Up to Do, which could regularly bring tears to my eyes if i let it.

wake up lonely with you by my side

what i’d give for that first night you were mine

i don’t belong to you

as for Cary Brothers, I wholeheartedly recommend Belong as another soul draining song of broken love (wake up lonely with you by my side…what i’d give for that first night when you were mine… i don’t belong to you), the upbeat Ride, Honestly, and another for the running play list, The Last One, Break Off the Bough, and Someday.

i have also given a thorough listen to the newest Arcade Fire album, Suburbs, recently and i do believe that it deserves all the accolades it received at this past weekend’s Juno awards.  those dudes continue to rock.

and with all these amazing artists, life is just too damn short to waste listening to bad music.

vote compass

i am sure there will be detractors somewhere that will say that this is unscientific or overly simplified, but i think that the vote compass on the cbc website is one of many tools that we can use during this election season to figure out who we are going to vote for.  if we didn't know before.

i did the questionnaire and wasn't terribly surprised with the results, but what i loved was that you can go through your answers and see where you compare to each of the 5 federal political parties.

there were a few of the questions that i had no opinion on and a few that would have more weight in my final decision, but i think that this is a great tool, especially if you are wondering who will get your vote this may!

let's get voting!

getting serious?

not sure what my globe and mail horoscope refers to, apart from the person i am semi-stalking on twitter!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):

You seem unable to decide whether to get serious about a relationship or whether to keep it at arm’s length. You will have to decide one way or the other by the end of the week, but for now just keep thinking.

what a weekend

with weekends like the past two i have had in calgary, i could be convinced never to leave the city.

my weekend started a little early with a shopping trip that ended with new sweaters, a dress i can wear to a stampede festivity this july, tights that remind me eerily of my figure skating days, new fashionable belts, a few little things for my future niece, and a feather for my hair.

i got to try out the new kol3 in kensington for vietnamese crepes and iced coffees with a good friend i met through my current job.  and we followed it up with a cold beer at molly malone's to continue our conversation about all things relationships, career directions, house shopping, women's rights, office gossip...  not sure that we solved the world's problems, but we certainly had a great time catching up.

saturday morning was chillier than i had hoped, with spring shyly poking its head around the corner this past week, so after running back into my house to add a layer, i headed out for a lovely morning run.  even though there was some pesky ice on the pathways, i had a great run paired with non-stop chatting with a dear friend facing some pretty daunting challenges at the moment.  more listening than talking on my part, but that was just fine.

i headed out to my neighbourhood pub on saturday evening with a new chum from work to see a local band play.  the band was pretty medium, but the company and laughs were pretty awesome.  getting a taxi home at the end of the night when the snow started falling, not so awesome.

and today, a day of phone calls and catching up with friends far away and family nearby was followed by some comfort cooking.  after stirring and stirring and adding and adding liquid, i created a most delicious risotto paired with homemade pesto that i whipped up in my food processor (without cutting my finger this time).  i needed some time in the kitchen to relax and forget momentarily about the state of the world, which was weighing heavily on my shoulders after following the stories of cote d'ivoire, japan, libya, yemen, bahrain, and haiti on twitter and the news this past week.  sometimes having a constant stream of information can work against your sanity and sense of contentment and if there is a silver lining in this cloud it is that i am getting better at recognising when that is happening to me so i can take a step back.  and that is what i did tonight with fantastic results and a lot of leftovers!

the need for distance and perspective is at the heart of my intentions in giving up impatience for lent.  it has been a good practice thus far and i have not only recognised when i begin to get antsy or worrisome about my future, but have reminded myself not to allow that anxiety to creep in and that if i really want to worry, i can do it in a few short weeks.  reshaping my thinking around my future and how i can get so anxious about it has also helped me appreciate what i do have.  the grass might be greener for me elsewhere, but it is pretty damn green where i am right now as well.  and having a weekend full of pretty wonderful friends is part of that.

wherein i use a few caps

ever since i woke up on january 1, 2011, i have felt a change a'coming.  i have no idea what it will be nor when it will come, but i feel ready for it.

going to new york inspired me to get my arse in gear to get out into the world again and find something else to to for a little while.  to not be afraid to leave the comforts of my home town again and to explore a little more, knowing that there is a whole lot of awesome to come home to anytime i choose.  the beauty of an economy fuelled by a commodity-driven industry that is on the up once again, i suppose.

i cleaned out my closets, giving away a bunch of stuff and consigning some others (wherein i chose not to consign my clothes at one shop because they give all the unsold merchandise to an 'orphanage in africa' and couldn't answer me which of the 50+ countries they were referring to nor why they made the orphanage pay for the shipping of the clothes to their magical unnamable part of the continent).  i updated my vaccines, passing out in the process, so that if i feed the urge to up and leave to a yellow feverish place, i will be covered (in fact, the reason i am up right now, even though it is midnight and i have a week full of early morning and it is the day of the year that daylight savings kicks your ass is because i forgot i have to take a live typhoid vaccine on an empty stomach and well, my stomach is not empty.

i have also decided to give up impatience and self doubt for lent.  yes, i know this is not in the typical spirit of lent, but i needed a time frame and well, it was conveniently timely (is saying conveniently timely redundant??).  i am reminding myself that everything has worked out thus far and will continue to do so, in a time frame that is never going to end or stop and as i have always said, there is no finish line and the whole success is not a destination thing (i think you can find some lame quote from me on the interwebs about that, actually).

i am trying to remember that an opportunity will come my way.  no sense in worrying or fretting that time is passing me by (I AM GETTING OLDER, OH MY GOD, I AM BEHIND... you get the idea).  if the past two years are any indication, opportunities find me and i do my best to put myself right in their path as best i can.  i feel as though i have done that now and so now i just wait.

but waiting is not so bad.  last week i braved the -20* temperatures and went to the joshua radin, cary brothers, laura jansen show and it was amazing.  as i said on twitter, it made me want to fall in love and break up again and again.  well, not really, but they sure did make it sound poetic and romantic and wonderful and heart wrenching.  and a concert at the former silver dollar action centre?  not so bad, especially if you like a little greasy pizza with your handsome singer/songwriters.

i followed that up with so many pints, breakfasts, coffees, and dinners with so many inspiring, intelligent, and hilarious people this past week that i was pleasantly reminded that i am surrounded by a community of people and i have a few greatest fans out there, which is always a nice boost to the confidence.

oh, and i ate at boxwood, which was a chorizon/polenta delight, had breakfast at wake in kensington, where they brew a strong cup of coffee and make mean eggs benedict, and had a perfectly poured latte at vendome cafe.  so if you are in the city, go try those newcomers to the ever expanding culinary/coffeehouse scene around these parts.

ready for this

apart from a really kick ass trip to an amazing city, my visit to new york was actually for another reason entirely and i just appended my own fun to the end of a 5 day training session.  as these things often do, it certainly had its ups and its downs, but my overall impression was a positive one and i felt that i walked away with practical skills and a pocket full of contacts that could potentially be helpful for future professional gigs.

i prepared myself before going that i would likely be the odd one out, the one who is not currently based 'in the field' and who doesn't have scathes of emergency experience, but has been selected just like everyone else to attend.  surprisingly, this didn't feel like an impediment throughout the time and i am not sure if that was because i was ready for it, i am more confident now than when i was last in one of these situations, or the other participants and facilitators weren't dickheads.  i think it was a little from columns a, b and c.

the best part of it all was that at a few different points, i thought to myself, i can do this.  and not only can i do this, i think i could do it well.  as someone who regularly battles with self doubt, internal criticisms, obsessive thinking, and anxiety, this was good, very good.

the best part of the entire experience was a few days after it finished and i was wandering my way around new york city (rather than long island, where we had been holed up for the training), when i got an email telling me that i was an asset to the training and asking if i was interested in potential positions that could come up.  with a resounding yes, i politely responded and there was a little back and forth.  i suspect it all comes down to waiting on funding, but i was happy to be considered after what felt like a 5 day job interview.  i guess i passed.

but.  of course there is a but!  but, now i haven't head for a few weeks and i am terrified that all this momentum is going to come to a screeching halt and i will be Stuck.  with a capital S.  and that is the terrifying part.  i have spent the better part of the past 2 years rebuilding, settling and repairing.  and now i am ready to head back out into the big, bad world.

last year i thought that i wasn't strong enough or interested enough or something enough to start again in a new city or a new country alone.  for a long time, i had in my head that i would only ever being doing that with someone.  well, that someone isn't around and hasn't been for a few years now, but it took me awhile to feel strong enough and excited enough to uproot again and start a new job and build a new life in a new place.  and now that i feel that i am there, i am scared that an opportunity is not going to come my way.  i will keep applying for things that interest me, but the anxiety is creeping in.

and this after i had some serious conversations with myself about what i would be giving up if i left calgary now.  the stability, the money, the closeness with my family, the familiarity, the nest...  and although i am still not sure how i would manage all that change, i feel like i would figure it out.  but now i just need the opportunity to allow me the chance to figure it out.

eesh.

and there you have it, interwebs, that is what has been on my mind for the past few weeks since returning from new york.  i needed a shake up, but i am also feeling impatient and just want to get on with things now that i have made a decision.  so, universe, are you listening?

a nyc success

hello internet!

yes, i am still around and apparently still have a blog.  i have been spending a lot of my internetting time on twitter lately, so if you haven't already found me there, go on and do it now.  it feels a bit like the lazy person's blog, but i also sort of love it, especially as i had been on a bit of a soap box with all my sharing links and it is a great platform for that.

let's get back to that trip i took to new york city though.  and how amazing it was.  i felt quite at home in a way, in a city where it seems everyone belongs, which i hadn't felt in some time.  and i just enjoyed it.  the along time to sit and think and walk and think and just be and think was much needed.

it was a little chilly for me, but i managed to bundle up and hit the pavement.  i did a few touristy things that i suppose someone out there would say that you 'have to do' like thetop of the rock, which was over priced, but did offer a good view of the city at sunset.  one of my favourite things was the greenwich village food tour operated by foods of new york.  not only delicious, but really interesting and well worth the money.  i also went on a walking tour with the lower east side history project, also fascinating.  and it all was made more relevant because, like the dork i am, i was reading the historical fiction creatively titled new york that covered the various periods of the city and historical events that shaped the city and its communities.  a good historical account of the city, if not a little long.

i also had the opportunity to meet up with friends and friends (and in one case, an ex girlfriend of a friend) and although it could have felt like an awkward blind date, each of the three women i met up with for a day of sightseeing and photo-adventuring, coffee in midtown, or dinner and drinks in the village were absolutely delightful.  it was with these awesome canadians abroad that i rode the staten island ferry to see the statue of liberty (she's so tiny!), got the perspective of a student and a lawyer working in the city, and ate at the most delightful french bistro whose name i have forgotten, but really wanted to link so i will try and recall it in the coming days and update this.

new york is certainly a place that i could imagine living one day and one that was not nearly as intimidating as i had thought it would be.  i even made friends with an eye doctor and his staff as we bonded over the edmonton oilers (even though i am decidedly not a fan and he certainly is) and got a brand new pair of specs that just arrived in the mail last week.

my apologies for the disjointed post, but i wanted to have some sort of documentation that i in fact did go to new york, did love it, and can't wait to go back.

and here i had hoped blogger would've made it easier to upload and format photos, sheesh.  they are all over the place!

stuck in chicago

but hopefully not for long!

just a little weather delay, i hope.

one of my biggest irritations about canadians is their belief that they can somehow speak really derogatorily about americans as though we are inherently better by the simple fact that we are not americans.  it is lame and goes against all that we like to pride ourselves on as canadians.

but.  but, i have been at the chicago airport for only a few hours and i am already finding myself want to assert my canadian-ness.  either by being overly polite or enunciating my words or refraining from overusing the word 'like' in conversation.

i am not quite sure why.  i hope it is not coming from the same place that allows canadians to get smug and self righteous.

and a real shame that i couldn't have planned with this delay in mind because they i could've wandered out of security and visited one of my favourite chicago residents!

29 + 12 = 30!

i made it!  survived 2010, a sometimes trying year, and my 29th year.  i warmly welcomed my 3rd decade with a wonderful birthday with deliveries of flowers and cupcakes, hilarious ecards, wonderful presents, and well wishes from across canada and the united states, ireland, georgia, kenya, south africa, the philippines, australia, the uk, italy, thailand, mexico, bermuda, africa's newest country of south sudan, japan, france, and afghanistan!


and here is how my 9 for 29 goals shaped up (or, in a few cases, shipped out!):


1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this last month of 29 has left me feeling content and calm, not normally my modus operandi, and at peace with my future.  part of that has come from knowing i get to go to new york next week for more un speak and potential career connections.  i certainly have had some down days, but overall, i feel as though i am entering my 30s in a much more solid place in terms of anxiety and stronger than recent years in my 20s.  exciting and reassuring.  but as i have said all year, this battle might be won, but there will be a constant war against anxiety in my world.


2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. i can't really remember the motivation behind setting this goal, but i feel as though i managed ok.  i am not sure that i improved much on previous years, but i maintained my thoughtfulness and tried to observe special events and occasions of those around me.
interestingly, i find this much more difficult now that there are so many ways to communicate with your friends, family, and acquaintances and more places to store information.  i used to have 1 daytimer and a phone that received calls.  now i carry a blackberry, an iphone, AND a daytimer and i need to streamline this whole system so that i know when people's birthdays are without having to rely on facebook to tell me.


3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  this year, i got to visit a friend in vietnam, my dad on vancouver island twice, and many friends and near-family in south africa.  i had intended on doing more travelling within north america, but the cost and timing didn't work out during 29.  i STILL have washington dc and chicago on my travel list and am hoping to get to at least one of those in the coming year.  i will get to see some old friends from my nairobi days while i am in new york next week and that should be lovely.  


4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  remember what i said last month?  yes, that 2011 will be the Year of Direction!  i hadn't done a lot of work to get to the bottom of this goal in the last year.  i did a lot of thinking and a lot of worrying and even a little daydreaming over the past year, but not a lot of the work that i think will be necessary to help me to get to where i want to be.  or figure out where i want to be.  that might be a better place to start.


5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  the nest egg is there.  but it is more like a robin's egg when i wish it was an ostrich egg.  i think that as long as i stay in calgary, this will be moved higher on my list of priorities.  as life planning goes, this is one of those elements that needs to be there so that i can do whatever it is that i want to do (once i figure that bit out...).


i am not bad with money per se, i am just still unsure of how much money i should be spending on my house, on entertainment, on food, on travelling, on savings, on investments...
but i have a new(ish) friend who is a financial planner and i might hit him up for some advice or business once i am back from new york.


6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. i don't know what has happened to me over the past few weeks, but i have been a human garbage can, eating cheeseburgers, chips, pizza, chocolate, and ever other bad thing within my reach.  i am not normally a compulsive eater, but i can't seem to stop once i get started (typically in the evenings) and nothing satisfied me.


i hadn't been cooking, but i am back on that train and have brought out the slow cooker and my newest addition to my kitchen, a kichenaid food processor (that did nick my finger during its installation on my counter resulting in a lot of blood).


throughout the year, i fluctuated between eating really regular and healthy meals to forgetting to eat until 4pm or munching on crap late into the night.  this will likely always be the case, but man does it feel gross if my eating habits are not in order (like now).    


7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  there were some weeks there in the fall that i could have slept for hours and hours and right through the morning, but lately i have been getting by on less sleep and that is probably a good thing.  mostly because i have actually been getting out of bed when my alarm goes off and waking up relatively rested and ready for the day.


part of what makes it easier not to sleep and sleep and sleep is not being on any anti-anxiety medication, which makes me rather sleepy (although i do still miss the technicolour dreams) and being busy, which means that i don't have the option of hitting snooze (well, more than twice) and have to get my arse out of my bed.
one thing that i do notice is that if i haven't started the week with sufficient sleep, i play catch up all week and never feel as though i am well rested until friday night where i am useless and just want to put pyjamas on and sit beside the fireplace.


8 - maintain my priorities.  perhaps one of the challenges of this goal was that i never officially stated my priorities, but i do think i made sure that when i was becoming overwhelmed with one job or the other, that i took a step back and did something for myself.  one area that i feel as though i should've made a stronger effort to prioritise was physical fitness and running.  after my half marathon training ended last spring, i ran a little bit here and a little bit there, but without any specific goals or program.  i like the fact that after a few weeks without running, i can hammer out a 10km run without much difficulty, but i know i need to replace running (or something physical) back in my list of priorities moving forward.


9 - keep asking for what i want.  i did a really good job of this during 29.  when i wanted something, i asked for it.  most often, i got what i asked for, and the times that i didn't didn't turn out so bad either.  i am heading to new york next week because i asked for something and i have already asked a few people there to meet with me to explore opportunities and chat about life in new york.


i started my 30th year with a job offer in my inbox (but sadly, i do not speak the francaise, which i really should get back on one of these days...) an even though that wasn't a suitable post for me, i do feel as though that once i figure out what i want, i will certainly be asking for it!


***


i am not sure if i will draft goals for my 30th year.  if i do, i want them to be more specific so that i can use them to stay on track rather than recap what i have been up to and see if it fits.  i think goals are important, but i do thin that to make them effective and useful, i really should spend quality time unpacking what it is that i want and how that would translate into goals for the coming year.


work in progress, i tell ya!