Monday, March 07, 2011

ready for this

apart from a really kick ass trip to an amazing city, my visit to new york was actually for another reason entirely and i just appended my own fun to the end of a 5 day training session.  as these things often do, it certainly had its ups and its downs, but my overall impression was a positive one and i felt that i walked away with practical skills and a pocket full of contacts that could potentially be helpful for future professional gigs.

i prepared myself before going that i would likely be the odd one out, the one who is not currently based 'in the field' and who doesn't have scathes of emergency experience, but has been selected just like everyone else to attend.  surprisingly, this didn't feel like an impediment throughout the time and i am not sure if that was because i was ready for it, i am more confident now than when i was last in one of these situations, or the other participants and facilitators weren't dickheads.  i think it was a little from columns a, b and c.

the best part of it all was that at a few different points, i thought to myself, i can do this.  and not only can i do this, i think i could do it well.  as someone who regularly battles with self doubt, internal criticisms, obsessive thinking, and anxiety, this was good, very good.

the best part of the entire experience was a few days after it finished and i was wandering my way around new york city (rather than long island, where we had been holed up for the training), when i got an email telling me that i was an asset to the training and asking if i was interested in potential positions that could come up.  with a resounding yes, i politely responded and there was a little back and forth.  i suspect it all comes down to waiting on funding, but i was happy to be considered after what felt like a 5 day job interview.  i guess i passed.

but.  of course there is a but!  but, now i haven't head for a few weeks and i am terrified that all this momentum is going to come to a screeching halt and i will be Stuck.  with a capital S.  and that is the terrifying part.  i have spent the better part of the past 2 years rebuilding, settling and repairing.  and now i am ready to head back out into the big, bad world.

last year i thought that i wasn't strong enough or interested enough or something enough to start again in a new city or a new country alone.  for a long time, i had in my head that i would only ever being doing that with someone.  well, that someone isn't around and hasn't been for a few years now, but it took me awhile to feel strong enough and excited enough to uproot again and start a new job and build a new life in a new place.  and now that i feel that i am there, i am scared that an opportunity is not going to come my way.  i will keep applying for things that interest me, but the anxiety is creeping in.

and this after i had some serious conversations with myself about what i would be giving up if i left calgary now.  the stability, the money, the closeness with my family, the familiarity, the nest...  and although i am still not sure how i would manage all that change, i feel like i would figure it out.  but now i just need the opportunity to allow me the chance to figure it out.


and there you have it, interwebs, that is what has been on my mind for the past few weeks since returning from new york.  i needed a shake up, but i am also feeling impatient and just want to get on with things now that i have made a decision.  so, universe, are you listening?


Heather said...

What a fun opportunity! It would be scary, but you've done a lot of scary things already! What's one more!

La Cabeza Grande said...

"not only can i do this, i think i could do it well." Yeah. You're ready for this.